Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Labors 12

by shadesmaclean 0 Reviews

New Jersey!?

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Characters:  - Published: 2010/12/05 - Updated: 2010/12/05 - 761 words - Complete

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But the Dudes knew that the Burger Joint was in another time zone.

‘So how the fuck art we to get there?’ quoth Orty. ‘The place we seeketh is in New Jersey.’

New Jersey!’ cried the Dudes in horror.

‘That doth suck the rigid cock of Satan!’ cried Nori. (props Stephen King)

‘But Satan hath not a cock, remember?’ quoth RJ.

‘Ah, ’twill be no problem getting there,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for in my many travels, I have uncovered a secret known only to a few. Allow me to show thee Project M.’

Project M?’ quoth the Dudes in unison.

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst take the Dudes unto a great green warp pipe hidden away from the road. (props Nintendo Power)

‘Dude!’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus, ‘this is pretty fucked-up right here!’

‘For ’twas developed by the Shabernack Institute,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and with it we shall be able to reacheth our destination in no time. Trust me, ’tis much faster than the Scoot Mobile.’

‘No comment,’ quoth Nori.

And so the Dudes didst jump into the warp pipe and didst end up in New Jersey.

For in New Jersey, there was a certain Burger Joint. And after years of putting up with asshole customers, the Management of this Burger Joint didst become so rude and disgusting that no one wouldst eat there anymore.

And the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions said unto the God of Clerks: ‘Matt, shouldst we help them this time?’

‘Aye,’ spake the God of Clerks, ‘for they shalt need all the help they canst get. What say’st thou, Count Chocula™?’

And Count Chocula™ was silent.

‘We shall take that as a yes,’ spake Matt.

And so the Gods of Hondo set out to help the Dudes in their labor.

And so the Dudes came unto the Burger Joint, and the Town Crier cried, ‘Hear ye! Hear ye! Someone new doth come to challenge the Management of the Burger Joint!’

And the Dudes didst enter the Burger Joint, and Casey and Oreamnos Americanus didst order a shitload of stuff and didst chow down.

And Dirty Uncle Orty didst begin to shove various objects up his nose, for he couldst not allow the disgusting crew there to upstageth him.

And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo came unto the Burger Joint disguised as pimps, and Derrick said unto Scoot: ‘ ’Tis we, the Gods of Hondo! We are come hither as pimps to help thee.’

‘Okay…’ quoth Scoot, and so he didst quantemplate, and when he didst come up with a plan, he didst explain it to the Gods of Hondo.

And it came to pass that a bunch of hookers wearing bunny suits didst enter the Burger Joint, and still the Management didst continue to be rude and disgusting.

And Dirty Uncle Orty didst begin to removeth the objects from his nose, and still he couldst not phaseth them.

And it came to pass that as the Dudes didst continue to try to do increasingly more disgusting things in the eyes of the Management, and their workers were able to do equally disgusting things in the kitchen, that still more hookers wearing bunny suits didst enter the Burger Joint.

So the Management didst begin to be afraid, very afraid, as it came to pass that the store was filling up with hookers in strange garb.

But then Oreamnos Americanus and Casey didst finish eating the last of the food in the Burger Joint, and the Management became even more afraid and disgusted, yet they still held fast against the Dudes.

At last there were no more hookers left wearing bunny suits, so instead there came forth hookers in Wookiee, gorilla, Bat Man, and Santa costumes.

‘Belgium!’ cried Nori, for she was so disgusted, she couldst not thinketh up any stronger word.

And as they didst take up the last of the space, and Oreamnos Americanus and Casey had eaten the last of their food, and Dirty Uncle Orty had proven that he couldst stick more things up his nose than anyone thought humanly possible, that the Management couldst stand no more, and they didst give up.

And the Pimp of Hondo said unto the Dudes: ‘Thou hast done it again! Only two more labors remaineth. The stranger hath not thought up thy next labor yet, so thou shalt do that wandering thing again. Have thee a nice day.’

And the Pimps of Hondo didst vanish from their midst.

And the God of Nipples didst reappear and taketh his ho’s with him.
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