Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
THE BOOK OF KAMéHAMéHA
(The Book of Kaméhaméha was brought to thee by Big Oil. Keeping gas prices inflated, and people overly reliant on petroleum products, since 1893. Proudly playing the Shell Game with consumers. Big Oil.)
And so the God of Everything Else was laid to rest in a floating refrigerator, and cast off to sea.
‘Now I am in charge…’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions, ‘…Count Chocula™, please! For the love of crap, thou must tell me what I’m supposed to do!’
And Count Chocula™ was silent.
‘Dammit! Thou’rt no help!’ cried Derrick, God of Fist-Pounding, as he pounded his fist whilst shouting ‘Dammit!’
‘Great,’ quoth Nori, ‘the God of Stupidity is in charge… We art all doomed…’
‘Come on,’ spake the Demigoddess Heidi. ‘Surely thou hast made a plan of some sort…’
‘Nay,’ quoth the Demigod David, ‘for we were all too busy having fun being the Gods of Hondo…’
And so Scoot didst quantemplate for a long time, and finally he didst say unto them: ‘The Council of Voices hath spoken. And they art completely stumped.’
‘As usual, I am the brains in this outfit,’ quoth Nori the Cursing Faerie. ‘Lord Derrick, in accordance with thine own fucking decrees, RJ, the Assistant God of Hondo, shalt step up to thy side as an Acting God of Hondo, for Lord Matt canst not fulfill his duties as the God of Fishbulbs for the time being.’
And it was so. For the God of Hawai’ian Shirts didst bestow upon RJ the powers of Acting God of Hondo.
But he had no more of a clue of what to do than the God of Odnoh.
And it came to pass that Scoot didst open the Book of Hondo and didst read thereof.
‘Here it is!’ cried Scoot, for he had searched among the Lost Chapters, the Missing Pages. ‘Kaméhaméha 2:15 sayeth: “…And the Dudes went forth to seek the Guru who didst live on Cold Mountain, and they didst pass by the Monolith Corporation headquarters…” ’
‘We have not even done that yet, Scoot…’ quoth Adria.
‘ ’Tis an advance copy,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for I am always thinking ahead. Verily I say, there is no Off position on the genius switch.’
‘But how?…’ quoth Yoco, for he was as confounded as the rest of the Dudes.
‘I truly am a man of many, many talents,’ quoth Scoot, modestly.
‘Couldst thou taketh a peek at the end?’ quoth Casey. ‘Dost The Man win or what?’
‘I will not refer to the end, which no one canst foresee,’ quoth Scoot, ‘that wouldst be cheating.’
‘Go forth, O Scootly One,’ spake RJ, the Acting God of Phone Sanitizing, ‘seek out the Guru who doth live on Cold Mountain. May he be of more help to thee than I.’
And so the Dudes didst set out as Lord RJ had commanded them, and went forth to find Cold Mountain and seek out the great Guru.
(The Book of Kaméhaméha was brought to thee by Big Oil. Keeping gas prices inflated, and people overly reliant on petroleum products, since 1893. Proudly playing the Shell Game with consumers. Big Oil.)
And so the God of Everything Else was laid to rest in a floating refrigerator, and cast off to sea.
‘Now I am in charge…’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions, ‘…Count Chocula™, please! For the love of crap, thou must tell me what I’m supposed to do!’
And Count Chocula™ was silent.
‘Dammit! Thou’rt no help!’ cried Derrick, God of Fist-Pounding, as he pounded his fist whilst shouting ‘Dammit!’
‘Great,’ quoth Nori, ‘the God of Stupidity is in charge… We art all doomed…’
‘Come on,’ spake the Demigoddess Heidi. ‘Surely thou hast made a plan of some sort…’
‘Nay,’ quoth the Demigod David, ‘for we were all too busy having fun being the Gods of Hondo…’
And so Scoot didst quantemplate for a long time, and finally he didst say unto them: ‘The Council of Voices hath spoken. And they art completely stumped.’
‘As usual, I am the brains in this outfit,’ quoth Nori the Cursing Faerie. ‘Lord Derrick, in accordance with thine own fucking decrees, RJ, the Assistant God of Hondo, shalt step up to thy side as an Acting God of Hondo, for Lord Matt canst not fulfill his duties as the God of Fishbulbs for the time being.’
And it was so. For the God of Hawai’ian Shirts didst bestow upon RJ the powers of Acting God of Hondo.
But he had no more of a clue of what to do than the God of Odnoh.
And it came to pass that Scoot didst open the Book of Hondo and didst read thereof.
‘Here it is!’ cried Scoot, for he had searched among the Lost Chapters, the Missing Pages. ‘Kaméhaméha 2:15 sayeth: “…And the Dudes went forth to seek the Guru who didst live on Cold Mountain, and they didst pass by the Monolith Corporation headquarters…” ’
‘We have not even done that yet, Scoot…’ quoth Adria.
‘ ’Tis an advance copy,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for I am always thinking ahead. Verily I say, there is no Off position on the genius switch.’
‘But how?…’ quoth Yoco, for he was as confounded as the rest of the Dudes.
‘I truly am a man of many, many talents,’ quoth Scoot, modestly.
‘Couldst thou taketh a peek at the end?’ quoth Casey. ‘Dost The Man win or what?’
‘I will not refer to the end, which no one canst foresee,’ quoth Scoot, ‘that wouldst be cheating.’
‘Go forth, O Scootly One,’ spake RJ, the Acting God of Phone Sanitizing, ‘seek out the Guru who doth live on Cold Mountain. May he be of more help to thee than I.’
And so the Dudes didst set out as Lord RJ had commanded them, and went forth to find Cold Mountain and seek out the great Guru.
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