The Book of Spooky Doors
(The Book of Spooky Doors was brought to thee by Pudweiser Beer, as well as Filler and Filler Lite. For the taste that doth provoke the desire, but taketh away the performance, this Pud’s for thee!)
Scoot the Ko’An, age 23. The Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo, he and his friends, the Dudes, art on a quest into mysterious, uncharted territory. For little doth Scoot know that in his quest he is about to take a scenic detour through the Twilite Zone. Submitted for thine approval, The Book of Spooky Doors…
And it came to pass that a Spooky Door didst appear on the Island of Mu, and a shitload of Kreeblies didst spring forth to attack the Dudes, for ’twas the spookiest door they had ever seen, and no more was the Voice of the Turtle heard in the Land.
And with a legion of Kreeblies, the Red Machine came forth, with a high screechy voice, proclaiming: ‘Behold the face of thy destruction! Twylight is upon this world, and soon night must fall! Sayeth The Man: “The living shall envy the dead!” ’
And its jagged form didst shift and shimmer, inspiring a nameless fear in back of men’s minds.
‘Oh shit!’ quoth Nori. ‘There goeth the neighborhood…’
And the Dudes didst power up and prepare to do battle with this dark army.
And Scoot the Ko’An didst draw the HellRazor, and didst rage against the Machine with all his might, for the Red Machine was the most powerful adversary he had ever faced.
‘Thou’rt no match for the Power of Steel!’ cried the Red Machine. ‘Pay The Man!’
‘Sorry…’ quoth Scoot, and he didst turn out his pants pockets. ‘Shit broke, dude.’
‘Then I shall taketh it out of thy sorry ass!’ quoth the Red Machine.
‘Bring it on…’ quoth Scoot.
And as the Dudes didst wage a fierce battle with the Kreeblies, Scoot didst beat the Red Machine like a red-headed stepchild.
‘Send my regards to the God of Hawai’ian Shirts!’ cried Scoot as he didst deliver the final blow. ‘…And all thy friends in Hell!’
And Scoot didst take the Skeleton Key to the Spooky Door from the remains of the Red Machine, saying, ‘Damn! My new training hath really paid off!’
‘He who standeth in the door to fight, shalt overcome much greater might!’ quoth Scoot as he and the Dudes didst force the Kreeblies back though the Spooky Door.
And Scoot didst lock the Spooky Door behind them, and there was much rejoicing.
With an ominous Spooky Door in their presence, the Dudes didst partake of the Feast of Maximum Occupancy with the Islanders, for they knew the time for another great quest was nigh.
And Scoot said unto the Dudes: ‘Yea, tho we art totally unprepared for the challenge that doth await us, we shalt enter all Spooky Doors, as the Gods of Hondo have commanded us.’
‘I guess thou hast completely forgotten about the Thing with the Stuff…’ quoth Nori.
‘Yeah, for the most part,’ quoth Adria.
‘Canst just one of our adventures maketh even a little sense for once?’ demanded Nori.
‘Shut the fuck up!’ quoth Scoot. ‘We art going to do this my way.’
‘Is that not the wrong way?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but faster!’
And Scoot didst give unto the High Priestess Jennifer the Skeleton Key, and he didst tell her the sign by which she might know it was he and the Dudes, and not the enemy, asking to come back through later.
And so, in the Hour of Hurrying, the Dudes didst venture forth into the Spooky Door, knowing not what they might findeth.