The Power of the HellRazor
‘Thy friends were in deep shit,’ quoth Richard, ‘but I didst help them out. For a long time have I followed that sinister posse. They wert the Dark Dudes, and I am told that their leader was as powerful as thee, Scoot.’
‘Is that so…’ quoth Scoot, and he didst draw the HellRazor and didst thrust it into the ground. ‘For if it is, then thou shalt have no trouble defeating me, Richard… Fuck the bullshit! ’Tis time to throw down!’
‘At last, it is time to see what thou’rt made of, Scoot the Ko’An,’ quoth Richard.
And Scoot didst power up, and he and Richard didst do battle with each other, fighting with great kung fu action.
And it came to pass that Scoot and Richard didst fight each other to a standstill, and neither couldst gain the upper hand over the other.
‘Well met, Scoot,’ quoth Richard. ‘Verily I say, thou’rt indeed more powerful than the leader of the Dark Dudes. But I’m still just warming up.’
And Richard didst power up still more.
‘No way!’ cried Scoot, for it had taken his full power just to fight Richard this far.
‘Fuckin’ A!’ cried Nori. ‘I hope this dude’s on our side!’
‘Fear not,’ quoth Richard, ‘for I was also a student of the great Master Kungfucius. I didst not expect thy power to be so strong. Thou’rt indeed the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle.’
And Scoot didst yank the HellRazor out of the ground, and said unto him: ‘Knowest thou what this is?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Richard. ‘With the power of the HellRazor, thou wouldst be three times stronger thyself. I know not the math on that…’
‘Enough of this serious crap! Thou’rt a kick-ass fighter!’ spake the God of That Time Ye Saw Gramma Naked as he didst appear before them as the Sun Dog, and a big fat guy with a mohawk and flaming feet didst appear next to him. ‘So we the Gods of Hondo anoint thee, Sir Richard Flammond, the Black Knight of Odnoh. Thou shalt join Scoot the Ko’An in his battle against The Man and his minions.’
‘Aye,’ quoth the Stranger. ‘Thy power wouldst be much needed against The Man.’
‘And where the fish-fucking hell hast thou been?’ demanded Nori.
‘Who careth!’ quoth Casey. ‘Wilt thou join us, Richard?’
‘Why not?’ quoth he, ‘for I have nothing better to do.’
‘Hey!’ quoth RJ, ‘who is the big fat guy?’
‘Oh, that’s Bigfatjohn, the Official Messenger of the Gods of Hondo,’ spake the God of Hairy Clogs.
‘But we have never heard of him!’ quoth Yoco.
‘As we the Gods of Hondo delivereth most of our messages ourselves—’
‘Find thee other gods who doth care that much about their peoples like that!’ spake the God of Nipples as he didst briefly appear before them as an SS whore making scary sounds, and then vanished.
‘—so he didst sit on his lazy ass and become fat. But he hath been our messenger from very early on, ever since he lit his shoes on fire on a dare. ’Tis a long story.
‘For ye see, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… there lived a man who couldst shove hot dogs up his nose (props Fletcher Dragge). And these art the descents of the Man Who Shoved Hot Dogs Up His Nose:
‘The Man Who Shoved Hot Dogs Up His Nose begat Phares. And Phares begat Zara of Tamar. And Zara of Tamar begat Esrom. And Esrom begat Aram. And Aram begat Aminadab the Eagle Scout.
‘And Aminadab the Eagle Scout begat Na-ason. And Na-ason begat Salmon. And Salmon begat—’
‘Doth anyone else giveth a duck-fucking rat’s ass?’ quoth Nori. ‘We didst not ask to hear his life story.’
‘Aye, ’tis true,’ quoth Bigfatjohn. ‘I am come bearing power pills from the Master Kungfucius’ stash.’
And he didst give the Dudes a baggie of power pills, and there was much rejoicing.
‘Whoo-hoo!’ cried Casey, for he still remembered the super power pills of the Master Kungfucius. ‘We’ll winneth for sure!’
‘ ’Twill take more than power pills to defeat The Man,’ quoth Bigfatjohn, ‘for he is a being from beyond space and time, and it is said that he is older and vastly more powerful than the Ancient Gods in their prime. Perhaps even older than the Titans, though no one knoweth anymore what came before them…’
‘Anyhoo, lest thou wanteth to live a life of conformity,’ spake Matt, ‘Lest thou wanteth to controlled, to be patrolled, to be just another part of the Machine, then thou shalt resist to the extreme and stand against The Man with all thy might. I shall away to learn more of the unknown Spooky Doors. Fare thee well, Dudes…’
And the God of Resisting McDomination and Bigfatjohn didst vanish from their midst.
‘Yoco, thou shalt keep the power pills for us,’ quoth Scoot. And he didst turn to Richard. ‘By the powers vested in me as the First Apostle of Hondo, I anoint thee, Sir Richard, Patron Saint of Ass-Whoopin’.’
‘Aw yeah…’ quoth Richard.
And there was much rejoicing.
And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst set forth on the path beyond the lake, and they didst come upon a castle.
And the castle was a very forbidding sight, for its battlements rose in black stone spires and jaggèd towers which seemed to greet the coming storm with open arms.
‘Castle von Färtnøkker…’ quoth the Stranger. ‘Home of the mad scientist who doth create evil appliances. We must beware…’
And there was a jaggèd, scary-looking steel sculpture that stood in front of the castle gates.
‘Verily I say, that is one butt-ugly statue,’ quoth Casey. ‘I’m glad it’s not for real.’
‘Shut up. Ye talk too much…’ quoth the Stranger.
And it came to pass that the sculpture didst awaken with hollow dark eyes and razor edges from head to foot.
And so Scoot didst draw the HellRazor and power up to do battle against the Grey Machine.
But the Grey Machine’s bizarre, twisted form didst split and become two Grey Machines.
And it came to pass that the two Machines didst gang up on Scoot, and he soon found himself being double-teamed by two swift and merciless foes.
‘Shouldst I help him out?’ quoth Richard.
‘I don’t know…’ quoth Yoco.
And so Richard didst power up and Scoot didst join forces with him in raging against the Machines, fighting back-to-back and side-by-side.
And it came to pass that the Grey Machines were no match for their combined might.
And so the Dudes stood before Castle von Färtnøkker, and still the drawbridge was pent shut against them.