The Dark Dudes
‘And where the hell didst our so-called guide go?’ demanded Nori, for she couldst see no sign of the Stranger. ‘I knew we couldst not trust that corpse-molesting sphincter-jockey!’
‘But how canst we go on without Scoot?’ quoth RJ. ‘Granted, he had not a plan, but somehow we didst always do just fine.’
And it came to pass that the God of Everything Else didst appear before them as yo mama, and said unto them, ‘Hail Dudes! I see thou hast lost that guide I told thee to find… Oh, well, thou wilt just have to go on without him.’
‘Good fucking riddance!’ quoth Nori. ‘I didst not trust him anyway.’
‘But how shalt we go on without Scoot?’ quoth Casey. ‘Without his insane leadership, how shall we ever prevail against The Man?’
‘Ha!’ laughed Yoco, ‘Where now is thine adventurous spirit?’
‘Easy for thou to sayeth!’ quoth Casey. ‘Thou’rt immortal!’
‘Fear not,’ spake the God of Hamburger Surprise, ‘for Scoot hath unfinished business from his time on the Dream Plane. I remember little from his mysterious errand, save for the fact that it hath something do with a little black box…
‘Scoot shall catch up with thee somewhere along the way. I know not where he is, but he is still alive. I shall summon the Demigoddess Heidi to keep watch over this Spooky Door. Now go forth and raiseth havoc and anarchy on The Man and his minions!’
And the God of Radio Silence didst vanish from their midst.
And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst enter the Spooky Door, and the Demigoddess Heidi didst appear and keepeth the Skeleton Key, that Scoot might pass through later.
And on the other side, the Dudes didst find themselves on a lake. And on the lake were many walkways, and platforms on stilts. ’Twas night, and a full moon hung in the sky.
‘I senseth evil,’ quoth Nori. ‘We art being watched, and probably not by anyone who doth sell Girl Scout Cookies.’
‘Aww!’ quoth Casey.
And a fell figure didst step out of the shadows of one of the platforms clad in dark robes and hood.
‘Thou hast met thy match, for we shall not let thee pass…’ quoth the dark figure. ‘Thou shalt not cross this lake alive, Dudes…’
And seven other figures didst step out of the shadows, all clothed in dark robes and hoods, and a Dark Faerie went with them, for her aura was a radiant black.
‘This is as far as ye go…’ quoth the leader of the nine. ‘Thy failure is inevitable, and thine efforts in vain. For thy doom doth lie in the hollow forms before thee…’
‘Oh, blow it out thine ass, thou Hoover-jockeying snickerpuss!’ quoth Nori.
And the Dudes didst power up to do battle with these sinister foes, for most of them were indeed left-handed.
But though the Dudes didst fight hard, they were outnumbered eight-against-nine, and these mysterious adversaries didst show no mercy.
‘We art not going to make it!’ cried Casey.
And that was when a mysterious warrior didst join in the fight. And he didst open a can of whoop-ass on the leader of the nine.
‘Hell yeah!’ cried Nori as she didst recognize their new ally. ‘ ’Tis the wanderer Richard! The one who didst help us defeat the Whistling Assassin!’
And it came to pass that Richard didst turn the tide back in the Dudes’ favor.
And there was much rejoicing, and, of course, ass-kicking.
‘Fear not!’ cried Scoot as he didst charge onto the battlefield, ‘for the Scootly One… hath… returned…’
And he didst find that Dudes had already beaten the nine, and so he didst help them finish mopping up.
‘Scoot, ma nigga, whassup?’ quoth Richard.