FicWad

And it came to pass that the Stranger didst lead the Dudes down a long highway which led unto a deserted town.

In the outskirts of the ghost town, the Dudes didst find ruins of a mall, and in it was the little arcade where the poltergeists play their video games.

‘These games art fuckin’ creepy,’ quoth Nori, for they were all of evil and spooky themes, and the sounds that issued forth from the games in the back didst make the Dudes’ hair stand on end. ‘I liketh this place!’

And there was heard from down the hall a distorted tape loop repeating: ‘Code Blue Special on Aisle Three… Code Blue Special on Aisle Three… Shoppeth smart… Shoppeth S-Mart…’

‘Let us not go to the other side,’ quoth Orty, for he couldst hear the exotic sounds from the pet store down the hall. ‘For this place doth give me the screamin’ hoodoos.’

‘Shut up. Ye talk too much…’ quoth the Stranger. ‘I sense we art being watched. Let us leave this place.’

And as the Dudes were walking down the road into town, a large convertible didst roll down the hill at them, and the Dudes didst scatter, except for Scoot, who didst jump onto the hood of the convertible, for he was too close to dodge it.

‘What the fuck…’ quoth Scoot, for there was no one in the driver’s seat, so he didst take the car by the wheel.

‘Scoot!’ cried Nori, and she and the Dudes didst chase after him.

And it came to pass that as the convertible rolled down the hill, a pair of gas tankers didst roll across the road, barring his path with an explosive road-block.

‘Oh shit…’ quoth Scoot, for the brakes didst not function. And he didst quantemplate, and finally he didst say, ‘Real men don’t use brakes!’

And he didst swerve through a parking lot, avoiding a fiery death by a few feet, and he coast into town on his momentum.

And the car came to a halt in front of an abandoned atrium, which Scoot didst pick the lock thereof, for he couldst sense a powerful evil presence within.

Amid the ruins of the atrium, he couldst hear sinister giggling from odd corners, though he saw no one.

And at last he didst find his way into the atrium itself, and across the courtyard, one level above him, stood a fell figure.

‘I should have known…’ quoth Scoot, for he didst recognize the figure, whose one eye glared from under his hood.

‘Thou art on my turf now, Scoot the Ko’An…’ quoth the one-eyed man as he threw off his hood. ‘This time, ye have no voodoo dolls to save ye. This time, I shall kick thy sorry ass!’

‘Ha!’ laughed Scoot as he didst power up, ‘Thou and whose army?’

And that was when it didst dawn on Scoot that he was surrounded by an army of Kreeblies.

‘Thou hast spoken too soon, my friend,’ quoth the one-eyed man. ‘Now I shall have the HellRazor and its incredible power!’

‘Well, crap-on-a-stick!’

And Scoot didst do battle with the Kreeblies, and didst fend them off with his staff to keepeth them from stealing the HellRazor.

But though the Kreeblies were pathetically weak enemies, they had him ridiculously outnumbered, and he didst soon find himself being overpowered.

And one of them didst steal the HellRazor from him.

‘Couldst thou use a hand?’ cried Myles as he didst attack the Kreeblies in his Heroic Pants, for he was tired of being beaten by figments of other people’s imaginations.

‘A sword by thy side!’ cried Yoco, and he didst draw the Edge and didst begin to mow down Kreeblies.

‘Let the Gods sort ’em out!’ cried Dirty Uncle Orty as he didst hack and slash his way through the sea of Kreeblies before him with the Gothic Axe.

‘I’ll bash ’em good!’ cried Casey, and he didst pick up one Kreebly and didst throw it at another, and didst plow through more with the Hammer of Not Bickering.

‘Make way!’ cried RJ as he didst aim the Hyper-X Buttplate at the army of Kreeblies. ‘And I shall break wind!’

‘Nnnooooo!’ cried Nori, and she didst reach for the Hyper-X Butt-Plug, and just in time. ‘Thou wilt destroy us all!’

And RJ didst try to implode, but he was just fine.

‘Yoink!’ quoth Scoot as he didst steal the HellRazor back from them.

And with the Dudes back at his side, whoopin’ up on the Kreeblies, it came to pass that Scoot was able to turn his attention to the one-eyed man, and the two of them didst battle each other, staff against staff.

‘The last time we met, we didst not get to finish our fight,’ quoth the one-eyed man. ‘I have waited a long time for this, Scoot the Ko’An!’

‘And thou wilt wish thou hadst waited longer,’ quoth Scoot.

And as the Kreeblies fled from the might of the Dudes, the two warriors didst battle their way to the roof of the atrium, and the one-eyed man didst knock the staff from Scoot’s hands, and didst trip him.

‘Dammit!’ quoth Scoot, ‘how doth he do that?’

‘Thou art finished, Scoot!’ cried the one-eyed man as he didst attack the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle.

But Scoot didst kick the one-eyed man from off him, and he didst fall through the skylight, arms and legs windmilling into the impenetrable darkness below.

And so the Dudes were reunited outside of the atrium, for the Kreeblies were scattered to the winds, and they didst have a great Riverdance to celebrate their victory.

And so Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field.

And Scoot didst finally find a way to escape when he came upon a Spooky Door and didst enter therein. And then he didst shut the door behind him, and Evil-Cam couldst not find him.

And there, in a quiet chamber with an Olympic size pool, Scoot didst meet a mysterious woman, who stood by the pool.

For in the center of the pool was an island, and on the island was a pedestal on which rested a little black box.

‘So, we meet again…’ quoth Scoot, for he didst remember her from his adventures on the Dream Plane. ‘Wilt thou tell me who thou art, this time?’

‘Very well,’ quoth the mystery woman, ‘for our time is short. I am Narayana, the Goddess’s Hand. I am the Avatar of the Dream Plane, and I work for the Goddess in secret; thou’rt one of the few who knoweth of mine existence.

‘Knowest thou what that little black box is?’ quoth she. ‘For I am certain thou hast seen it before.’

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for I stole it from The Man’s secret storage facility on the Dream Plane during my search for the Floating Refrigerator of the God of the God of the God of the God of… well ye get the point. But what is this place?’

‘This is a sacred, and secret, place, a place of rest where ye may shut the door behind ye and no one shall find ye,’ quoth Narayana, ‘but The Man’s evil doth now reach even here.

‘Thou art destined to carry the HellRazor, just as thy fellow Dudes art all destined to join thee in thy battle against The Man, for there is a curse on each of thee, reaching back seven generations in each of thy bloodlines.

‘Soon thou shalt come unto the Eleventh Hour, and thou shalt have to find a way to stand against The Man, or all wilt be lost.’

‘So what canst I do to stoppeth him?’ quoth Scoot.

‘The Goddess of Wisdom knoweth many things,’ quoth she, ‘and one of them is the secret of the Little Black Box thou see’st before thee.’

‘So why dost thou not jump in and go get it?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Beware,’ quoth she, ‘for though the water looketh calm, it is alive with evil.’

Even as she said this, the water didst form a tentacle and didst reach out to pull Scoot into the water.

But Scoot didst slash it with the HellRazor, and he didst power up and jump into pool, where he didst grapple with the evil using the Psychic Kung Fu which the Master Kungfucius had taught him.

And it came to pass that Scoot didst defeat the evil force, and didst swim unto the island and retrieveth the Little Black Box for Narayana.

‘Thou hast done thy part,’ quoth she, ‘now I shall do mine. Go forth now, Scoot. It is time…’