The Outhouse of Time XIII - XVI
‘Let us go unto the House of Ninjas,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for it doth sound exotic.’
And so the Dudes went forth out of the land of New Jersey and came unto the House of Ninjas Oriental Restaurant.
And they didst enter therein, but didst find the counter empty.
‘Where the hell is everyone?’ quoth Nori. ‘This is creepin’ the shit outta me—’
‘Banzai!’ cried a fierce voice behind them.
The Dudes didst jump around and discover that a ninja didst sneak up behind them. In the blink of an eye, the whole place was crawling with ninjas.
‘Cowabunga!’ quoth the Ninja behind them, ‘Welcome to the House of Ninjas! I will take thine order tonight!’
‘Ay-ay-ay!’ cried Loki Amaya.
‘Erg… Shite!…’ cried Nori. ‘Ye damn near gaveth me a fuckin’ heart attack, dipshit!’
‘Forgiveness, please,’ quoth the Ninja, ‘ ’tis just our way.’
‘I hope he didst not scare the shit outta thee!’ quoth Scoot.
‘Too late!’ quoth Loki, and he didst walk away woodenly.
‘So,’ quoth the Ninja, ‘what dost thou want for dinner?’
‘I wanteth the all-ye-can-eat buffet!’ quoth Casey.
‘Aye!’ quoth Yoco, ‘and we shalt eat all we canst eat!’
And there was much rejoicing.
So the Dudes didst sit down at a great round table to await their impromptu Feast of Maximum Occupancy. Whilst they sat and talked of many things (mostly kinds of food), the ninjas didst hack and slash ingredients in the kitchen with great kung-fu action.
But it came to pass that as the Dudes were enjoying themselves that the Great Othwog’s twisted offspring didst descend upon the House of Ninjas and didst attack the customers therein. The ninja crew didst power up and do battle with the blood-thirsty mini-Othwogs, but they had taken for themselves buckets upon their heads as helms, and so they were invincible, and so they didst overwhelm the ninjas.
‘Oh no!’ cried Scoot. ‘I have misplaced the HellRazor!’
‘Oh shit…’ quoth Nori. ‘I don’t know why this is happening, Yoco, but I’m sure this is all thy fault…’
Yet the Dudes fought valiantly, to the bitter end, but ’twas not enough, for the Dudes were slaughtered mercilessly, and it was a very bloody and gory affair, which the Management of the House of Ninjas wilt not speak of to this day, and the Dudes didst all die.
Except for the immortal Hans, whose head traveled the Universe as the little Othwogs’ living hood ornament.
And whilst the Gods of Hondo were enjoying their vacation in Odnoh Land, the Dudes didst wander about aimlessly, as was their fashion, for they had nothing better to do.
And it came to pass one day that the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions didst appear before them as the Geepo, and the Dudes didst salute him in the traditional manner, saying, ‘Hail, Geepo!’
‘Hail, Dudes!’ spake the God of Flirting, ‘ ’tis I, Derrick, God of Flirting! I am come bearing sweet tidings! Ye see, I had an idea!’
‘Didst it hurt?’ quoth Nori.
‘Aye, that and it— Hey!’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking, ‘ ’Tis true! I was talking with Matt, whilst we were locked in my house, and I said unto him: “Matt, why don’t we replacitizeth the Grim Reaper?” ’
‘Of course ye did, Lord Derrick,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Fine, don’t believeth me,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts.
‘I’m way ahead of thee,’ spake Myles the Unbeliever.
‘Anyhoo,’ spake the God of Magic, ‘we, the Gods of Hondo, have chosen thee, Sir Richard, Black Knight of Odnoh and Patron Saint of Ass-Whoopin’, to be the New and Improved Angle of Death.’
‘Dost thou not mean angel?’ quoth Nori.
‘That’s what I said,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. ‘Thy first mission, shouldst thou accept it, is to hunt down Will Bates, CEO of the Monolith Corporation, and maketh him DIE!
‘Thou may useth any means necessary, for the Death Count hath fallen too low lately.’
‘Aw, yeeah…’ quoth Richard.
‘Wait thee a minute!’ quoth Scoot, ‘What about Judge Enma’s ruling?’
‘Oh, Lord Enema’s just a cranky old geezer.’
‘Shh!’ hissed Nori. ‘He hath really big fuckin’ ears… er, I meaneth, really damn good ears…’
‘His judgment doth only affect the old Grim Reaper,’ spake the God of Evil, ‘that, and he no longer runneth the Court of Eternal Affairs. As atoner for my stupidity, I have given unto him his own TV show, based on some comic book or another…’
‘So all’s well that endeth well,’ quoth Scoot. ‘So now what, might God of M&Ms?’
‘Dost thou expect me to knoweth?’
‘Not really,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but it didn’t hurt to tryeth.’
‘Fare thee well, Dudes!’ whispered Nori.
‘Oh, right!’ spake the God of Nipples. ‘Fare thee well, Dudes!’
And the God of Stupidity didst vanish from their midst.
And it came to pass that back in Odnoh Land, Derrick didst fulfill the last part of his atonement for his divine stupidity: he didst mail the Secretary a Get Out of Hell Free card.
But little didst he know that it wouldst be intercepted by an evil dictator, who wouldst useth it do whatever his evil heart doth desire…
Turn thee to IX.
‘Let us go unto New Jersey,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Yea, though it be a realm of unspeakable evil—’
‘Yeah!’ quoth Nori, ‘I wonder why The Man didst not make his Headquarters there!’
And the Dudes didst laugh.
‘Aye!’ quoth Scoot, ‘ye said it! But methinks we shouldst checketh on Jennifer, for she may not have been able to find any decent building contractors.’
And the Dudes didst agree that this was at least something to do, so they didst go forth unto New Jersey to see how the High Priestess was faring.
Turn thee to XII.
And it came to pass that as Waldo was being led away in chains, the God of Ancient Grease didst appear before them as Elvis and said, ‘Uh-huh-huh… Hail, Dudes! ’Tis I, Matt!’
And Scoot didst sigh with relief, saying, ‘For a moment I thought I was having flashbacks about my wanderings in Vegas…’
‘I am come to give the Brian a new name,’ spake the God of the Hungry.
‘If thou must…’ quoth Pookie.
‘And ye know we do,’ spake the God of Flutterblasts. ‘Step not on my blue suede shoes! For now thy name shalt be called Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Pookie Skanky-Bitch the Hans.’
And The Hans didst fall over.
‘But… But… But…’
‘We told thee all along,’ spake the God of Olyphaunts, and he sang: ‘Thou art the Hans…’
‘Thou art the Hans…’ and the Dudes didst back him up.
‘Thank-ya, thank-ya vera much,’ spake the God of Being Naked and Famous. And he didst nod his head, gyrate his hips and wink, and vanished from their midst.
‘Whoa!’ quoth the Hans, ‘Verily I say, all that naming hath made me hungry!’
‘Thou’rt always hungry, Goat-boy!’ quoth Nori, ‘But hell, I’m famished, too!’
‘Then it’s settled!’ quoth Scoot. ‘But let us not eat in New Jersey. Thou taketh thy life into thine own hands eating here.’
‘Aye!’ quoth Nori. ‘Screw this! ’Twas Jennifer the Gods commanded to come hither in the first place, not us.’
And the Dudes didst agree with him heartily.
‘Now where shalt we eat?’ quoth the Hans.
‘Thou meaneth when shalt we eat,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Whatever,’ quoth the Hans. ‘Let us go unto the House of Ninjas, for I am in the mood for Oriental food!’
‘I say we goeth unto Boing-Boing Burger,’ (props Stephen King) quoth Loki Amaya. ‘I used to work there, and it doth kick ass!’
If thou goeth unto the House of Ninjas, turn thee to XIII.
If thou goeth unto Boing-Boing Burger, turn thee to VI.