Things are about to kick off. Paranoia leads Gerard to an awful scene...
Dad finally broke the silence and asked Frank what he was planning for tommorrow.
"Uh, probably staying at home with all the family, boring stuff like that really. You guys doing anything?"
"We haven't got anything planned yet." Donna answered the open question, but something told me she had it all regimentally planned out in her head, she always does. She's good at stressing over small things (ie Christmas dinner) and missing the huge problems (she never once questioned any mysterious bruises I got).
Apart from that short exchange, we plunged into silence again. I could see Gerard itching to get away from the table, clearing his plate in an instant, ready to get up and drag poor Frank with him. Another thing I noticed was Frank hunching his shoulders, no doubt trying to hide that new red mark on the side of his neck, which is natural I suppose if you're in your boyfriend's parents' company. I have to admit, I gazed at what I could see of it for a short while. It looked weird and cruel but to Frank it meant love.
In a way you could compare that to me and Gerard but that isn't simple and pure like what I see with him and Frank. I still envy them, it's so simple thier adoration.
As soon as Dad had cleared his plate the three of us went upstairs again. It was more a them and me situation but nonetheless, I went up to Gerard's room, closing the door behind me softly. It was something we always used to do, I'd stay in Gerard's room for the whole night and we'd talk and stuff. It was like a routine, one that rarely included bad times for us. Sometimes we went out somewhere, sometimes there were fireworks in other neighbourhoods or a movie we wanted to see.
Gerard looked up at me, confused. I joined them on the floor, failing to notice they might want to spend time alone. Then again, if I let them do that, I'd hardly ever see them at all.
"Hey. We're goin' out later, you going somewhere with school friends?" He asked, twirling a stand of dark hair around his finger distractedly.
"Uh no actually." I didn't want to ask if I was involved in the plan, it was clear Gerard didn't want me around as much.
"Really? We were gonna check out the lake. You should come, fucking is cold in snow anyways." Frank said, rather... Frankly.
I searched Gerard's face for an answer or an inkling of emotion about this proposal. He sighed deeply, rubbing his temples.
"Sure, come along. We were gonna head out now. Jackets people." Frank giggled at his order and pulled on a hoodie that was lying around along with a heap of other clothes. I quickly retrieved a large puffy jacket of mine, even had the fluff on the hood. It wasn't 'cool' but it was damn, damn comfy and warm.
As soon as we got out the door, Frank stopped in his tracks.
"Oh! You guys go on, I need to go home for a sec." He explained, in a rush already.
Gerard shot him a questioning glance, maybe a dangerous one.
"Really?" G asked, slightly sad.
"Sure, I'll catch you up soon, promise! I'll meet ya there!" Frank sing songed, already turning away. He was going to be away far longer than expected, though Gerard seemed to pick up on something, though obviously trusted him enough to let him go. Either that or he was thinking it through.
We walked in the dark, guided by the orange-yellow soft glow of streetlights and snow falling at a steady pace. I was already freezing my ass off, my glasses getting ever-so-slightly misty. The distance between us gradually grew smaller until I felt it'd be okay to grab hold of Gerard's arm. He didn't say anything to protest so I happily walked onwards with him towards the cycle track. Normally, I wouldn't go near the place at night but this night was different and many people congregated there anyways so we'd hardly be noticed.
"Are you okay G?" I asked after he hadn't said anything for a long time. His teeth chattered for a few seconds before he answered with a quick nod.
"...Good." I nodded as well hoping to somehow lighten the mood. We can still have a good time together, Frank didn't have to be there to make Gerard happy. It could still be me, he knew that too.
We were about 5 mintues away form our destination and had walked for aout 10 when Gerard spoke up, carefully chosing each word judging by how slowly he spoke.
"I'm scared Mikey. I think I've done something... I think..." He broke off me and got in front of me, his warm breath hitting my face with great relief.
"Am I a bad person?" He asked bluntly. Oh fuck, not one of these moods. THey're so scary seomtimes. I almost cocked my head, what a weird thing to say like that. I thought he was over these kind of 'rants'.
He grabbed my shoulders, and tightly at that. "Even if I try to solve it?"
"Solve what Gerard?"
He answered my question with another question, "Will you love me no matter what? Do you even love me so deep you'd put up with me like this and what I've done?" He kept bablling on in a deep train of thought, missing out the details I needed to know. He gets really thoughtful and philosophical when he's in a 'mood'. I silenced him with a finger to his lips.
"Always. No matter what. I love you now, don't I? How could that change?" I was really telling the truth, I can't not love him. No matter what he does, I'll always be beside him and helping him. I smiled the first sincere smile I had in what seemed like ages, not that I counted the days. I swear, even form the worst injuries I loved him all the same. He's my Gerard, nothing could change that.
A strange expression took over Gerard's face.
"But you have no idea what's going on... I'm not in control anymore, I've given so much up! Oh fuck, Mikey what've I done... I have to go okay? I'll be back, just a little paranoid."
He looked around, I saw he was shaking all over. Oh God, oh fuck. Paranoia. When Gerard knows he's paranoid, that's when you worry. Gerard definately was not okay in the slightest, he was majorly acting up and was nervous and as he said, very paranoid.
The cold air wasn't what made me froze next, it wasn't the snow or the lack of decent layers I wore. The cold wasn't from something you could touch. It was something that was usually portrayed as something warm and sweet but in this case, cold and fearful. It wasn't born of anything you'd expect it to be, it was fearful and looking for help and comfort. Was it the only way Gerard could search for it, by doing what he did? Just a show of love and hoping for loving guidance back?
I didn't know what to do and before I copied, it was cut off.
Gerard leaned in to kiss me, properly, full on the lips. My lips froze to his and I'm not exaggerating. It wasn't really a good one at that, but I knew it meant more than all the broken information he had randomly spurted. He grabbed my hands and squeezed them tightly before leaning in further. His lips quivered and worked slowly as his whole body shook with whatever he felt inside. I had no idea what my role in this was so I stayed still. By time I decided I wanted to react, all the cold-warmth was gone, replaced by the bleak weather around me that seemed not cold or warm, barely even tepid after that. He had darted off, no doubt to Frank.
It made me panic. In any normal situation, I'd be chasing after Gerard or just glowing happily about our exchange but instead I worried on the spot. That wasn't a normal kiss in any way at all. It felt like a goodbye or one to break bad news or something. Christ, Gerard, to feel like that...
GERARD: I almost tripped on my way to Frank's place. The snow was lying thickly and crunching under my feet with a noise I'd appreciated far more if I wasn't in such a state. Anger was starting to bubble over now, and not just with myself for trading my 2 loves for drugs. I knocked on Frank's front door feverantly and many times right until Frank's dad answered angrily. I knew he would've gone to that bastard's house, I knew it. It was falling apart already before I knew half of the story I had helped create.
"You! What is it?" I let myself in and shivering in the hallway. "Hey, aren't you meant to be at home with him? He's not here you idiot!"
"Shut up! Did he come here?" Iasked, tempted to head into his room.
"Pardon me? Don't you say that to me you little fag! If I had my hand, you two would be separated!" I stared at the floor, eyes widening. "Get out of my house right now!"
I lurched at him, growling with only a fraction of rage showing through. I gathered up some of his shirt in each hand and pushed him to the wall.
"How dare you say that, don't you fucking dare insult us....! Now did he come here or not?!" I hissed, glaring into his fearful eyes.
"No...Just.... get out...!" He answered, trying to sound like he wasn't scared.
I ignored his speech about my being 'rude' and 'harassing' him, he'd never been really harassed before in his life.
It meant one thing. Frank had gone to Shane's house. I took off, sprinting all the way. I fell only twice but got up regardless of the stinging pain. This was to be the climax-horror and the horror at the end of the glorious white powder rainbow.
And I wasn't going to be the one in pieces.