Gee writes a song for Aria
"How could you say that, Ari? All you did was fall in love..." Before that day, I was almost convinced that I could love Gerard...just like a crush. But after, everything felt like it did that summer. The summer when all I could see was him. The summer that landed me into that into that place. I knew things weren't going to work out...but I couldn't let him go, I loved him too much....And I was plunged into the worst depression of my life. It felt almost the same way, only I actually knew Gerard now. We were...friends. He knew I existed...and that I was in love with him, and that I use to be in love with him. And how that affected me.
"Welcome back," Frankie said for the third time.
"Thanks Frankie, I'm sorry I held us up..." I said in my depressed,quiet voice.
"Don't worry about it, Ari- medical emergency"Gee said.
"Whens our next show?" I asked, trying to convince them that I had some life in me, but my tone gave away that it wasn't true....
"Tonight at seven..."
"K," I said and went to lay down.
"Damn it.."I heard Gerard say sadly as I got into the hallway.
"Hey Frank- see if Aria wants any special food,we're gonna be to a grocery store in like two minutes." Ray said from the kitchen.
I heard Frankie say "K" as he started to walk near me- then pull my curtain over- "I don't need anything."
Frankie didn't say anything, then I heard his voice again "Aria..," "yes.?" "Tell me whats really going on..."
"We'd be here all night if I were to answer that question,Frankie..."
"I don't care- just tell me- I wanna know that your gonna be okay."
I sat up, but didn't look at him. He jumped up and sat by me.
"You read my journal...you should know whats going on.."
"Aria-I'm sorry I was really stupid that night."- I had to shake my head to try and get the memory out.
"Just tell me what your feeling right now, please"
I gave in "...it's indescribable,Frankie- that pain..all I can say is that it's like a ten ton weight crushing you - and it wont finish you off no matter how much you want it to- and there's nothing you can do- ..."I sighed "not even that describes it..."
He put his arm around me "I..I'm sorry Aria...Do you think you should see a therapist? or...maybe you should go back home.-" "-NO!...I..I..couldn't. I'm sorry Frankie- but please don't do that" Even if it is what I need...but I could never be able to live with that for the rest of my life "oh..please don't do that..." I whispered.
Later when Frankie left, I was able to fall asleep. I had crazy dreams again. Mostly about my x-best friend Ashley. Ashley use to live with me and my family for her 8th grade year. After that she went back to Powhatan and just visited occasionally. A few years ago she came to celebrate the Fourth of July with us and her my mother got in a fight. She left the next day and we haven't heard from her since. Everyone else was pissed at her and happy that she left, but I thought that the fight was completely stupid... But no one really cared about how I felt. I didn't really realize how bad I missed her until I started getting depressed over Gerard. I felt like she would understand and be able to help me...But she never came back.
That night I wore a red and black skirt with plain black shirt. I didn't talk much- or look too happy- but that didn't stop me from being a great bass player. I was just as good as any other night. That was probably the only reason they didn't send me home...
When we were done performing "I Never Told You What I do for a Living" Gerard didn't end the concert as usual- thanking everyone and telling that he loves them...he just sounded like he was getting ready to sing another song.
Then he started speaking, "This last song is for a very, very special girl. She's completely amazing and so, so beautiful- and I don't think she knows it..."Gerard turned to look at me as he said it
"-she's going through a very hard time. And I just want her to know that we all love her and that were always here for her.
I noticed I was just standing there with tears rapidly going down my face.
He smiled at me, but I couldn't smile back. I was so surprised, and so scared.
Gee started singing and the guys started playing. As he sang every lyric, I only began to cry more and more. I finally decided to just get out of there. I was just standing there like an idiot. I walked off- my bass still around me.
I walked into my dressing room and locked my self in the bathroom and washed my face. My eyes were bloodshot red from crying so much. I took a few deep breaths and walked out and sat on my couch.
It wasn't long until Gerard came in, looking for me. I tried to smile at him...but he talked before I could do anything "I didn't mean to make you cry.." for some reason, him saying that made me sad all over again.
"oh...no...I wasn't crying.." I said wiping away a fresh tear. He came and sat down with me on the couch.
"Aria..."before he could go any further, I burst out in tears.
"Why Gerard?! Why?! Why do I feel like I'm having my heart ripped out all the time?! I wanna make it stop- it- this feeling- it's eating me alive!"
Gerard just sat there for a second, speechless. Then he slowly put his arms around me and held me close as I cried into his shoulder "It's gonna be okay, Aria. It's gonna be okay. -Maybe you need some of your friends- maybe we can find Ashley." He remembered her name from my journals.
"She hates me.."I sniffled.
"You don't know that."
I started crying all over again "Yes I do. She doesn't care about me- you don't..I'm unlovable!" I screamed through my tears.
"You ARE lovable, Aria. You are. I love you, I do."
"You know it's not the same" I whispered.
Happy Valentines Day :D