Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Saving Harry
The Beginning of the End
1 reviewDumbledore (being Dumbledore) asks Snape to check on Harry, only that he discovers something horrible about the Dursleys and has to save Harry! (4-year-old Harry here!) )Please rr! one of my best!
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Saving Harry
(#) Ithilwen 2006-05-19
You had me at "Snape is not Harry's dad."
Hmm... Your first few sentences seem to trip over each other. Don't say everyone was gone, no they weren't. Someone stayed, but it wasn't necessary. Try to be a bit more direct. It'll come off smoother.
"insisted to ask him for muggle candy."
One "insists on" not "insists to."
Dumbledore is asking him if he wants a muggle candy, not for a muggle candy. (However, he calls it a "sweet" in the book. British people tend to say "sweet" instead of "candy" like we do here in the U.S. of A.)
"Anyone care to have some." As you can tell,"
Try a question mark after "some."
This is really a question of style, but I find that the use of the second person ("you") breaks the illusion. You might be better off without it.Author's response
thanks for the english lesson...but i already got two betas (after they both read these chapters) and they will help me. thank you very much!
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