(#) ZENI7H 2011-05-23 08:26:49 PM
Interesting story... well at least the parts that I understood... I would like to point out a few things that might help you in future fics:
skip a line between paragraphs and dialog otherwise it all runs together and is hard to read.
also proofread... there is a number of misspelled words.
he manged to keep it
girlish carp i'll wait"
he always try's
is not a word use seductiveness
you should cap the first word of a sentence and the first word in dialog.
"what are you too doing?!"
me and my brother
'my brother and I'
sorry, here i watch tv in my room"
'i will watch tv'
i knew itachi when never do that
'I knew Itachi would never do that'
from the middle to the end it was kinda difficult to figure out what was going on even though I re-read sections several times. This pool thing should probably be a little more explained... in the end I'm not sure the point of the story or where it was going. It seemed to have a theme... but it kept changing people and relationship-arguments it was hard to follow.
It seems you definitely had a picture in your mind of what you wanted to get across but it was lost in translation. I would love to re-read this story after you've spent a little time making it more clear to the reader who can't read your mind.
if you have any questions about my review or any in general feel free to contact me via email or w/e