(#) Kid_Vicous 2011-04-25For your first story this was very good, great effort. The writing was good and the mistakes I noticed (yes, I notice mistakes and point them out now) were probably, as you said, just from typing it up at midnight.
•"Where’s mom when I needed her" should be "Where’s mom when I need her?"
•How do you “spirit” to your room? Should it be "sprint"? I'm confused.
•"He said nothing until we we're sitting on his bed." "We’re" should be "were".
•"I felt safe in his arms as they held onto me strongly." Doesn't quite work. "Strongly" I'm not sure is a word. "With strength" works but sounds stupid. I would just look at that sentence again.
But really good work. It has the potential to be a major cliché but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and read on.
Author's responseThanks for reviewing it. I've fixed i think most of the mistakes you pointed out. Thanks for the help.
Sign up to review this story.