Everyone is worried about Gerard. He hasn`t come back yet and isn`t anwering their xalls. Where is he...
Not mine. Bandit Lee Way wasn’t my daughter. All those times I held her in my arms, gave her bottle when she woke up. “Not mine”. The toxic words keep repeating themselves in my already fucked up mind. I can feel then gnawing away, poisoning me. Destroying what little sanity I had left.
I was standing, leaning against an old graffitied wall that was situated in a very undesirable part of town. It was turning dark, and the wind was icy. I pull my jacket around my shoulders tightly, but it does nothing to stop my shivering.
My phone buzzes again. I glance at the cracked screen. I had one new message from Frank. Makes a change, I suppose, I had at least fifteen from Mikey. Uninterested in what he had to say to me, I shoved my phone back into my jacket pocket. “It`s not like he really cares about me.” The cold words form in my bitter, twisted mind before I can stop them.
“That’s not true!” I yell at the empty alleyway. It’s not, is it? I ask myself, dreading whatever answer my mind will come up with. “He does care about me!” I my lips tremble slightly as I whisper the words. He does. Doesn’t he?
I let myself slid down the wall, so I am now sitting on the gravelly, freezing cold ground. I don’t know if Frank does care, hell, I don’t know if anyone cares anymore. I don’t deserve it anyway, they are all better off without me. Lindsey…Ray…M...Mikey….F…frank. With each name I feel a sharp pain in my chest, directly above my heart. “Bandit`s much better without me for a dad. I just hope, she finds out one day…” I don’t. I want to be her dad. I don’t want her to run over to some other guy, huge smile on her face and call him daddy. I`m her dad. “No, you’re not.”
I hit my head against the wall a few times, not hard enough to injure me, but enough to hurt. I let out a noise that is a mix between a sigh and a frustrated groan. “Bandit…Frankie…Mikey….Ray….Alicia...” I sob, not even knowing where the tears came from, but damning them all the same.
The pain in my chest becomes even worse. It was bad enough before, but now it was just unbearable. I hadn’t felt this much pain since….i honestly couldn’t remember. The only time I`d ever come this close to feeling this bad was when…
“Good thinkin`, Gee.” I smile to myself as I drag my butt of the ground. I check to make sure I have my wallet. I do. Sure, I have my credit cards and shit like that, but I want money. They can’t trace ya if you buy crap with money like they can with cards.
I laugh slightly at...well…I don’t really know what at. A laughs a laugh though right? A laugh, even a pained laugh means you’re happy right?
I start making my way to the nearest store. I knew that there were some rundown looking buildings at the bottom of the alley, that could just `bout pass for shops.
The 1st store I come to is closed and the windows are smashed. Shrugging, I continue walking.
Soon, I come to a pretty worn down looking shop, I glance up at the name of it and smile.
“Perfect.” A slightly manic sounding laugh escapes my lips as I enter the store.
“What can I get ya?!" An elderly woman with glasses is standing behind the counter. Odd, not really the kind of person I’d have thought would work here. Then again, I haven’t stepped inside a shop like this since…a long time. Even in supermarkets, I’d never walk down this isle for fears of turning back into what I once was. But, I didn’t give a damn anymore, did I?
“Anythin` strong,” I answer, biting back a smile. I chuck down a handful of notes on the counter.
The woman looks disapprovingly at me, but says nothing. She gets a few bottles of liquor and is about to hand them to me when I see her name tag. I stand there, rooted to the spot.
“Helen.” I mouth the words, shaking slightly.
“Yes, dear?” she looks genuinely worried about me. A stranger off the streets, one who she probably knew was gonna get complete wasted on whatever she sold him. She was worried, about ME?
I try to speak, but my mouth is bone dry.
“My…Gran.” I manage to croak. “Was called Elena. But everyone called her…Helen. “
The woman nods. It is almost like she understands.
“She was close to you.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. I just nod. In my mind memories are being replayed, most happy, but some, like her funeral are not.
The old woman-Helen, is still holding on to the bottles. “What would your Gran say, if she could see you, now, um...err…?”
“Gerard. I`m Gerard.”
“Nice to meet you Gerard. I`m Helen.” I smile a little.
“GRAN! Is it time to go home yet?!” a blonde and black hair girl, who looked about 14 or 15, runs out of the storeroom and into where we were standing.
“IS IT- oh, hi.” She waves at me and smiles warmly.
She glances at me, then her Gran, then to the bottles in her grandmother’s wrinkled hands. And then slowly back to me, a bewildered look on her pale face.
“But, you don’t drink.”
I looked down, trying to hide my face with my bright hair. I feel so ashamed; I just wish the floor would swallow me up.
“Yeah, well...” I mutter, still ducking my head. “I...I`ll just go now.” I grab the bottles out of the old woman’s hands and walk out of the store, half wishing one of them would call me back and try to help me. I wasn’t surprised when they didn’t. I just wasn’t worth saving anymore.
As I put the bottle to my chapped lip, I pause for a second. Did I really want to do this? It would be giving up on all those years I spent, trying to stop myself from returning to my old ways. In my mind I picture Ray and Alicia. One of my best friends and my little brother’s wife. (Who was also a very close friend) the Mikey, my little brother, whom I had a duty to protect. Frankie, my best friend and…the only person I had ever truly loved. And he didn’t even know. I picture Bandit, my sweet, innocent, perfect little…she wasn’t my daughter though. In my mind I’m reliving the horrid moment when Lindsey told me she wasn’t mine.
“Yes, I really want to do this.” I answer my earlier question and take a large sip of the liquid. I didn’t even know what it was, as long as it was strong, and would, make me forget, I didn’t care.
“Fuck `em all.” I sneer bitterly, clutching the bottle of alcohol tightly to my chest. “Like they give two shits about me.” I downed the rest of the contents, then move onto the next bottle. Sometime after, I collapse into a boneless heap in the gutter of some dingy side street.
FUCK. WHERE THE FUCK WAS GERARD?!
If anything had happened to him…I...I don’t know how I`d live with myself. I should`ve went with him to his house, maybe then he wouldn’t have vanished and everyone wouldn’t be going out of their minds with worry.
“Gee, “My lip trembles as I try to hold back the tears. “Where are you?”
I `ve sent him yet another text message and I`ve phoned him at least 10 time, but he wouldn’t answer. Mikey was going fuckin` nuts, Alicia was failing to keep him calm, Ray had gone down to the police station AND rang all the hospitals. As for me, I had searched everywhere I could think of, but still no sign of my-well, not “MY”, Gee.
My phone rang, startling me.
“Gerard?” I ask hopefully.
“No, it’s Mikey.” Oh. My heart sinks a little. Maybe he was calling to tell me they`d found him!
“Have you found him?”
“NO, we hoped you mi-“
“NO. he`s not answering my calls, replying to my texts, and I can’t fucking find him anywhere!” I yell at into my phone.
“Well, ray just got back from the cop house and-“
“Do they know where he is?”
I can hear Mikey sigh on the other end. “No, but they`ve got the best of the best looking for him. Apparently.” I can tell by his tone that he is very doubtful.
“Frankie?” he begins hesitantly.
“Yeah?” please don’t say what I think your gonna say.
“given Gee`s past, they..Err…erm…said they`re gonna get divers to check rivers and stuff as soon as it gets light enough.”
I …don’t know what to say to that. ME, who always has an opinion on everything, has nothing to say.
“It won’t come to that. They`ll find him, right?” I hope.
“Frank, “I hear him sigh again.
“I know you want him to be alright, we all do but…”
“Of fuckin` course I want him to be safe! I fuckin` love-“I cover my mouth with one hand.
All I can hear on the other end is silence.
“Mikes, I don’t mean like, ya know, THAT.”I did. I know Gerard didn’t feel like that, but, well…I did…
“Sure, whatev. Frankie.” He spoke before hanging up on me. He fucking hung up on me!
“I’m gonna head back.” I muttered, after another hour or so of searching. I was walking down some alleyway buy some shops when heard it. It sounded like a kind of muffled cry of pain.
“Gee?” I called out into the blackness. “You there?”
hey, so I said in the other note at the top of the page I`m in a shitty mood at the moment. I won`t go into full reasons why, but its family shit. And it hurts like hell. So I was just wondering if anyone had any song recomendations? Somethng that chears you up, or has a good meaning to it. thanks if you do, xoxodakota.