'What have i done?'
I crouched down amongst the broken bottles and tense emotions, going over the last few minutes in my head. I didn’t want to argue with frank, I didn’t mean to sound rude. I took off my glasses and rubbed my nose bridge.
After a few minutes, I realised that a very confused Gerard was sitting alone in the lounge. With a heavy heart making it almost impossible, I heaved myself upright and pushed open the door. Gerard quickly looked up, concern clouding his pale face.
‘Mikey? I know what happened, I heard. Please don’t be so upset, c’mere.’ He lifted up the blanket and patted the space next to him. I sniffed and moved to sit down, grateful for the comfort. He hooked his arm round me and I recoiled slightly when a roll of sterile hospital stink attacked my nose. I took a deep breath and settled myself under the blanket cross-legged and leaning into Gerard’s shoulder, careful not to knock his broken arm.
I prepared myself for the upcoming conversation, as he’d heard my argument with Frank so it was unavoidable, I guess.
‘Gee, I never, ever, wanted to get you hurt. If I knew that he would react like this, I would’ve come round myself and suffered...’ I took a breath and looked at his bruised face. ‘the consequences. It’s killing me that you got hurt because of me, and it just makes it worse that you got hurt trying to help me out. I’m so sorry Gee. You’ve been looking out for me my whole life, but this was just beyond what brothers are supposed to do for each other. I guess I owe you, man.’ I finished and buried my head into the blanket, not wanting to see his face, or for him to see mine, which was going blotchy with oncoming tears.
I heard him sigh, and I prepared myself for when he would say 'You’re my brother, Mikey, I would die for you. He has no right to hate you, and it was my job to make sure you stayed safe. He’s gone now, and you’re safe. So I think I did my job pretty well.’
The nervous chuckle at the end reassured me that it’ll all be alright now, and I wanted to savour the moment. I lifted up my head and looked at gee, who was grinning at me with his 100-watt smile. I quickly returned it and smushed myself closer to him. We sat there, warm and contented for a while, and I felt myself slipping into an easy sleep as the sky darkened, a smile still etched onto my face.
As the sky darkened, I’d made my mind up about what I was going to do. I headed down the street with my head held low and my pace quick. My destination drew near, and a heavy bassline was thrumming through my feet which rattled my spine. I passed several heavily pierced men and quickly ducked through the door, which was layered in hundreds of band posters - most unrecognisable local bands trying to cut a break.
As soon as I got through the door, I was being crushed by writhing, sweating bodies that were cramming to the front, where a band was giving it their all on stage, the lead singing screaming his guts into the microphone. They were good, but I could barely see them through the jumping crowd. I pushed forward more, ducking amongst various people, getting abuse thrown at me when I spilt someone’s drink.
I saw a pocket of space in front are darted to occupy it. I got there quickly, and used the second’s peace to try and take in my surroundings. I had barely craned my neck when a body was crashed into me at a terrifying rate. I only just recovered when another one slammed into my left side, harder than the one before. It dawned on me that somehow I had wormed my way into the mosh pit, and it was in full swing. I quickly backed back out again, only suffering a minor punch in the right eye.
I headed over to the bar, my bad mood mounting, and gave a nod at the barmaid, who’s eyes were impossible to distinguish under heavy eyeliner and glitter. I glanced around the bar as a warm beer with a foreign name was passed into my hand. I picked it up and took a swig, recoiling slightly at the bitter taste. I’d never liked beer, but my mood was crappy and I wanted to forget today. So here was me, forgetting. My eyes raked over the barmaid again, and at second glance i started to appreciate how good looking she was. Tall, very slender with full lips and mane of thick, wildly coloured hair that was thrown over her shoulder. She looked up at me and took a step closer.
‘Need summit?’ she drawled in a thick Jersey accent, her eyes X-raying my soul. The thick drowsiness of drink swirled around my brain, blurring my judgement and feeding my rage at Mikey and making my will to piss him off greater. I gave the barmaid a look, and dragged her in for a stolen kiss. The drink seemed to stretch out time, and we seemed to be entwined for far too long. At first it was pure anger, purely just a ‘fuck you’ to my so called boyfriend. But the moment soon soured.
Her hair was too long, her lips too full and sticky with lip balm, her waist to skinny. Revulsion mounted inside me and I pulled back in horror. She looked at me half confused and half pissed, as I shouted over the music ‘I can’t do this.’ I turned from the bar, and fought my way to the exit. The freezing air whipped my bare arms and face as I burst into the alley. I leant against the side of the wall, beer bitter in my throat, a taste of mounting guilt..and vomit in my mouth. What have I done?
I was still gripping the potent drink and in a fit of rage i smashed it against the opposite wall and slid onto the grimy floor. Sobs were in my throat and I could hear myself apologising. To Me, to Mikey, to anyone that would listen.
‘I’m sorry, so so sorry.’