Was it worth it?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
My eyes slid open and I found myself facing a dirty, derelict wall covered in graffiti and something that smelt bad enough for me to conclude it was urine. I was lying on a freezing cold pavement that felt filthy and jugding by the throbbing pain in my back, was littered with broken glass. I sat up to hit headfirst into a huge headrush and was greeted by a pounding headache.
I steadied myself for a moment and then stood up, glancing around the alley. It only took a second of looking at the broken bottles and stink of vomit for me to realize I needed to get out of this place. With a pounding headache and a shiver of cold racing along my spine, I started to journey home.
I got back home in about an hour, getting whipped back into a state of awareness by the freezing wind. I slowly opened the back door and crept upstairs, trying to avoid contact with my parents. I slumped onto my bed and shut my eyes. The pillow still smelt slightly of mikey and I buried my face into it, longing for it to somehow meld into his comforting form.
I was still pissed at him, pissed enough I kissed a girl last night and passed out drunk, but for the next few hours, alone in my room, I was allowed to show how much I missed him. You could just go over there, tell him you’re sorry, and it’ll all be fine.
I sighed and rolled over, still battling with the temptation to run over to his. My thoughts, however, were soon interrupted by my cell vibrating madly on my dresser, alerting me of a text. I fumbled for it, knocking over a pile of CDs as I went. I picked it up as it stopped buzzing and glanced at the screen. Mikey’s name flashed across it, sending a jolt through my stomach. I opened the text and nervously glanced through it.
‘Frank, sorry about yesterday. Me and Gee have talked now, so please come over? I miss you. x‘
I re-read the text three times, before pulling on my converse, sweeping on some eyeliner underneath my blood shot eyes and changing out of my booze and sweat drenched clothes. After quickly brushing my teeth, I ran down the stairs two at a time and bolted through the door into the open air. I didn’t know if I should tell him about last night – actually I knew I should tell him, but how? I just don’t want to fight, I can’t take another fight.
Before I had my thoughts straight, I was already at his front door. I gave a tentative knock, and before I could even muster a smile the door flew open and my arms were full of mikey. His hair, his smell, his voice blocking out all other sounds.
‘FRANKIE! Oh gosh I didn’t know if you would come I’m just – thank you.’ he pulled back from the hug and looked deeply into my eyes. Normally I would’ve relished the moment, but guilt made me look at the floor uncomfortably.
‘Mikey, before we get back to...normal, I need to talk to you.’ I look up guiltily, and wince when I see his face slackening from it’s perfect smile. I sit down on the patch of grass outside his house cross legged, arms wrapped around myself for warmth. After a few moments he flops down beside me, looking worried. ‘Yesterday, after our fight, I went to Ramones-’ I paused, trying to word it right. ‘And, I got pretty - urm, pretty wasted.’
I heard Mikey’s sharp intake of breath, and I hurried on before he could interrupt. ‘And I erm, I kissed the barmaid. But Mikey, I’m so sorry! I was drunk and angry and stupid and I’ve never regretted anything in my life and I feel terrible!’ I stumbled over my words, trying to get them all out before he could butt in. I looked up at him, he looked calm, surprisingly so, but his eyes looked so pained.
I rolled over and buried my face into my arms in shame, disgusted with myself.There was silence until Mikey spoke, his voice wavering as his emotions broke though.
‘What happened next, Frank?’
‘I passed out in the alley way, I woke up this morning...’ I whispered. ‘I’m so sorry.’
I heard him intake breath, and I flinched at his words.
‘Y-you were so drunk of your ass, you couldn’t even walk home? You couldn’t stay conscious? You couldn’t keep your hands to yourself?!’ His voice rose, the words hitting me like bricks. ‘I can’t believe you! After what happened to my dad with all the drink, you went out and got wasted?! And after all we fought for, after all we sacrificed for who we are, you kissed some else? And above all, a GIRL!?’ his voice broke, anger giving way to sobs.
‘Mikey I’m so sorry, I hate myself right now, I’m not asking you to forgive me, I just wanted to tell you. I promise, I swear I’ll never hurt you like this again, I was so stupid. I just – I’m sorry.’ I felt the tears slowly falling down my cheeks as I looked into his eyes.
‘I can’t even look at you right now, Frank. Just leave me alone.’ He got up and started walking to the door. He turned round at the last moment, his glasses slightly foggy from tears. ‘After all I’ve done, all we’ve done. Tell me something Frank, was it worth it?’
Before I could reply he continued. ‘I hope it was, I hope it was worth more than you lost.’
‘What did I loose?’ my voice was weak and hoarse from crying. He gave me a sweeping look of pure sadness and said simply,
He turned back and hesitated slightly before closing the door with a resounding slam. I stood there, shock and sadness filling me up like concrete, making my legs 1000 tonnes heavy and impossible to move. Yet I felt strangely hollow, like a part of me was with Mikey, on the other side of the door.