I thought I'd put this up because it's just some stupid assignment we had to do for English about a few months ago,when our normal teacher as out and we had this stupid hippy for a temp.So,if you want to see the real Lorna behind the story,have a little read ahead.If you wanted to see something about My Chem,then sorry,but this ain't what you're looking for.
So,thank you so much for all your well wishes and prayers over the last few weeks,you people are absolute fuckin darlings.Enjoy-
NOTE;this was not meant for FicWad,so it may seem a bit weirder.but her writing is generally the same;erratic,piss yourself funny and just brilliant over all.
NOTE;in case you're wondering,yes,she really does swear in this,our school's pretty shit and doesn't care.
My English Assignment
Lornaigh Ni Ionnrachtaigh,Miss Garcia,P4.
My Name Is
Truth is,Miss G,I have quite a few.Take your pick.
-That One With The Hair
-Vito Andolini Corleone
If you have any educational value whatsoever you will get the last one.
I Live In
People's Republic of Motherfucking Cork City.Best place ever,where you can run a race and try to figure out which gunshot was the starter.
No,I love Cork,it's cool.Except where I live,Glasheen,is like the anus of the entire world.I think people around here didn't evolve or something,they just were born with a pint of Guinness in one hand and a revolver in the other.
(You know that drug dealer who was killed a few months ago?I met him before.He was actually lovely,he fed my dog when we were on holidays.Which,looking back on it now,was probably a very bad idea,but how were we to know he was like a smack face?Maybe he snuck some to Marshall,that dog has never been quite the same since...)
I Live With
My father,my two sisters,my dog,my cat and Jane's goldfish.They're okay I guess,a bit painful sometimes.My mom topped herself and my sister entered the dead zone pretty soon after so it's just me and ma famille once again.To be honest,my dad works all the time and Maria is always off dealing crack or something so I just look after Jane and stuff.I take it upon myself to further her musical education,as opposed to being her sister.Not to be cocky,but I've done a pretty good job with her.I mean,most twelve-year-old's listen to like The Jonas Brothers or your one with the wig and the name that's also a state,whether Jane is like an alternative guru,listening to like The White Stripes and Green Day and My Chem.I kinda test her everyday on it.
"Green Day's fourth album?"
She's very lucky to have me.
My Pet's Name Is
That's a bit harsh,you're assuming I only have one pet.I have a dog and a cat,Marshall and Major Atticus Marcellus Raymond Ni Ionnrachtaigh.They're both male.Marshall is a morbidly obese corgi,and Atticus is just some brown cat with a white chin that I don't know the name of.
The my sister Jane has a fish which we don't really know the gender of.Or where it came from,for that matter.One day it just sorta appeared outta nowhere and we didn't really take any notice of it.Then Jane's friend Crista came over and was like "oh can I name it?" and we were like "sure" and then she decided on Jerald-yes,that weird spelling,she made a fucking birth certificate for it and everything-but then one day my best friend Beth-RIP-came over and was like "but how do you know it's male?do fish have dicks?" and I was like "that is a very valid comment" and so now it's name is Jeraldine,but we're still not sure what sex it is so we just refer to it as The Transgender Fish.
What I Look Like
Oh God,how long do you have?Well,I'm like a legal dwarf first of all because I barely push the 5'4'' mark,and even after years of rugby and boxing and stuff,I'm one scrawny little fecker.
I have natural light blond hair,but I don't really like it so I dyed it black when I was fourteen because I was going to a MCR gig and I kinda figured bright yellow ain't so fitting for a concert of that standard.And then I like dyed it purple and blond again and back to black and then red-blood red,not ginger-and then black again and then I didn't have any money for a while so I just let it grow out but then it turned into like some weird black/yellow mess but I was like
"woo!free highlights ftw!"
so,that's my hair,which is golden blond at the moment.I have that thing where your eyes are two different colours that those Turkish cats have,y'know?One is blue with specks of green and the other is brown-which is so unfair,everyone else in my goddamn family has really beautiful,doleful powder blue eyes-and I have shit skin,so I wear make-up most of the time.Not a lot,just foundation and eyeliner most of the time.Liquid foundation by Rimmel London is the best,although it's a bitch if it gets on your clothes.I have shit vision as well,I have contacts and glasses,but I never wear the contacts and my dad is just like "Lorna what a total waste of money" and I'm like "but it huuuuuurts so muuuuuch".
What else?Oh yes,clothes.I wish I was one of those people who's really into clothes,but I'm not.I have approximately 267 band shirts,my favourite being the My Chemical Romance one that I got at their concert in 2007.I like it because it smells of a gig-sweat and alcohol,mmm,how refreshing-and also because it has a pig on it,and pigs are just cool.And the Primal Scream one that says "KILL ALL HIPPIES".
Sorry,Miss Garcia.Forgot about your political status there.
Uh,yeah.Sweat pants and Vans as well.I freaking adored my Sex Pistols Vans,but then my cat pissed on them.A part of me died that day.
I had my nose pierced,but then I didn't like it so I took it out because I'm such a pansy.I have nine piercings in one ear,and one in the other,and then a stud in my lip.
Haha,notice how much I wrote on this compared to everything else.I'm such a girl.
My Class Is
P4,in sixth year.It's okay,I guess.All my friends are there.Though,damnit,pre fabs are cold in the winter.
My Favourite Subject Is
Um,English I guess.I find it easy.I get good grades in it,and that keeps my dad happy.I wite in my spare time,so it comes to me naturally.Not meaning to sound like a douche or anything,I just don't mind writing essays and shit.
My Least Favourite Subject Is
OH MY GOD IRISH I HATE THAT LANGUAGE SO MUCH.IT IS SO FREAKING HARD AND STUPID.
Kinda ironic how much I hate it and how well I speak it.It is my first language,but I still fucking hate it.That'a how shite that language is.
And you can't give out to me,Miss Garcia,because Ms Hegarty already knows I despise it.
My Best Friends Are
Because I have so many.(lol)
Um,Jen,Pizza,Julie,Gearoid,Gay Mark-I'm not being mean,I know two Mark's,one is a total douche womanizer and the other is a really nice gay guy so I have to differentiate somehow-Connie sometimes,Aisling oh my god I love that girl...think that's it.
My Favourite Colour Is
Okay,I'm sorry,I'm eighteen.Really now?
My Favourite Show Is
FAMILY GUY FOR THE MOTHAFUCKIN WIIIIIIIIIIIN.
I idolize Stewie Griffin so much,Jesus Christ it is unnatural.
I like stuff like Law And Order and Cold Case and CSI too.Oooh,and Skins.And South Park.
AND SPONGEBOB.I don't mean to sound like a poser or a loser or anything but I genuinely find that show so funny.I mean it,I could sit there and watch it all day,it's genius.
My Favourite Movie Is
Again,love the way you assume I have one movie I only adhere to.
I think all of Tarantino's films,especially Pulp Fiction,are just amazing.Oh,oh and Kill Bill!
"Bang bang/he shot me down/bang bang/I hit the ground/my baby shot me down/"
I love that movie.Of course,stuff like Rocky Horror are good too.And stuff like Scarface and The Godfather.Never really liked Goodfellas,to be honest.
All time favourite?Got it.
Something Something Something Dark Side.
My Favourite Singer
What,like not in a band?Then Morrissey.Him with a cat on his head=epic win.
No,I actually love him,I find his lyrics truly amazing and intellectual.As well as that,his hair ranks in my list of coolest hair ever.See?
But,apart from that,I actually do like him.His stuff about the monarchy and sexuality is class.
My Favourite Band
FINALLY,THE QUESTION I HAVE BEEN WAITING AN AGE FOR.
Well,I guess it's a tie between quite a few.Brace yourself,Miss Garcia.I will now proceed to name some of my favourite bands and then why they qualify as my All Time Favourite Band.
Primal Scream:Okay,this band is just instant sex.I mean,Loaded is simply the best song ever.And Screamadelica is just fucking outstanding.They were also my first ever concert.I went with my sister's fiancee,cause he has like the best taste in music,and I swear to God I nearly snapped a lung from singing.
Green Day:Again,just another bloody amazing band.I don't care what douche bags say,American Idiot is like the best fuckin album of all time.I mean,Holiday?Jesus of Suburbia?American Idiot?All freaking amazing songs.Plus,when I went to see them in 2009,I met Mike Dirnt and honestly,he was just the nicest guy.I cannot think of a Green Day song or album that disappoints me,they just fuckin rule!
And I'm sorry,this whole "Tre Cool vs Travis Barker" thing is complete catshit.Tre Cool pwns that guy any time.(I hate Blink 182,they just piss me off.)
That is all.
The White Stripes:I could easily listen to this band all day.The mixture of Jack White's mind blowing guitar riffs-I never understand why "Icky Thump" is not recognized as The Best Thing To Ever Happen In Guitar History-and Meg White's solid-as-feck drumming just equals an epic win.Get Behind Me Satan defined TWS as a band,it's just bloody unreal.Plus,Meg is just plain hot.
Muse:Am I like the only person in the world who finds Matt Bellamy fucking his guitar at gigs really sexy?I mean sure,he's a bit weird but my God the man can write lyrics like no one else.And his guitar playing is out of this world.(Citizen Erased,Darkshines,Ne Born PLUG IN BABY OH MY DEAR LORD.)And then you've got Chris fuckin ripping it on the bass-Hysteria,anybody?And then there's Dom.Dom is just,like,fuck,my secret lover.
The Clash:Just classic punk at it's best.I mean,I Fought The Law,Should I Stay Or Should I Go,London Calling...freaking hell they're like Sex Pistols,except more responsible...and better.And the fact that Green Day covered IFTL...I nearly exploded when I saw that.
My Chemical Romance:What can I say?They helped me so much with everything in my shitty life.When you've had a crappy day there is nothing quite like tuning into Three Cheers or Bullets,and just melting into it,y'know?Whenever I hear Give 'Em Hell,Kid it reminds me of the summer time...because that is all I listen to.Yeah,Danger Days does kinda suck,but I think they'll realize they should return to heavier stuff and then we'll have the good MCR back.
I really can't decide,Miss Garcia.Look,I wrote more about this than on my appearance.
My Favourite Song
Are you trying to kill me?You saw my rant about the bands.
Fine."Irish Blood,English Heart."
You never heard that song?Shame on you.
My Favourite Book
I'm sorry-couldn't say that-with a straight face-oh god-need air-
Anyway.Dubliners by James Joyce.Or Lord of the Rings.Ugh,I'm really bad at decision making.
Stewie Griffin,Charles Manson,Jason Voorhees.
You ask these stupid questions,you deserve these answers.
(I bet the kid nest to me wrote like Jesus or something.)
My Religious Beliefs
Whoa!Straight in there with the religion question,eh?I guess I'm like a religious procrastinator or something.I was raised in a Catholic family-duh-and since we were never taught about Protestantism in school-and you have the Irish educational system to thank fer that,lil lady *tips hat*-so I don't know about any sort of Protestantism,apart from the fact that they "raped our land and our women and our oh my god we have to let this shit go because it's been like eighty years or something jesus will the ra ever get a grip" so...I ain't a Protestant.
I guess I'm sorta an Atheist,but not really since I like talk about him-i.e. "Sweet Zombie Jesus",etc-and I've been brainwashed by the Catholic Church who are just like forcing Mary's dick down your throat.
Long answer cut short:don't have any religious beliefs.
My Political Beliefs
You serious?Look,honey,I wrote a thesis about geographical war science for my college acceptance,I ain't writing out that shit again.In my book,basically:
America,FOX News,George Bush and the Iraq Invasion:Bad
Not Taking Over Stuff THAT DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU:Good.
I Like Myself Because
You takin the piss?
I Don't Like Myself Because
She's serious!Can you believe it?
My Favourite Past Time Is
If you ask me why I like myself,then you can't honestly expect me to be serious here.
My Life Motto Is
"I did rugby in school,so don't fuck with me."
My Favourite Poem Is
I don't like poetry.
My Boyfriend Is
Like the way you automatically assume I'm straight,Miss Garcia.I could dig the chicks.
I am not answering that.*crosses arms*
My Middle Name Is
What the hell?Who comes up with these bloody questions?
And it's Lauren Stiofain.I think Stiofain is like Stephanie or something in Irish.
Oh,just checked my focloir,it's Steven.Nice planning there,Mom and Dad.
What I Think Of My English Class
Yeah,it's pretty okay.You let us off five minutes before the bell goes,so you're pretty good in my book.
But you might wanna stop talking about the beauty and depth within the English language,I don't think the knackers in our class really give a damn.
And I'm not really loving the fact that you constantly ask me stuff when I am doodling/listening to my iPod/smoking crack under the table.It's underhanded and cruel.Please stop.
That's pretty much it.You're quite nice.Better than the nuns,anyway.
But for feck's sake,please lay off the gay-ass questions.