We drove in silence. Both of us still bleary eyed and breathing heavily from my mother's revelation moments ago. She was just being a mother and i appreciated she wanted justice for me. For all of us in fact. We were on our way to a doctor. I was going to be examined and checked over, this would also provide evidence for the police. Then my mother decided we would go to the Toro's for dinner, she thought it would cheer me up. Spending some time with Frankie and Ray. I wasn't sure i was in any position to talk or socialize with anyone right now but i needed to see Frank. I needed to know that he still cared. I needed to be near him again. I needed him to tell me it would be alright, because if he told me that i could actually start to believe. And i needed nothing more than to have him curl into me and hold him whilst i cried. He might be small but he was the biggest comfort for me. And the only person who could give me the hope that i needed more than ever. I prayed he wouldn't turn his back on me. And i needed Ray too. I needed him to be there when Mikey found out, he was like a brother after all. A better brother than i had ever been. Not a failure, not at all flawed or fatal.
"Hey man." It was Ray carrying a cup of coffee and a plate of my favourite cookies.
" The Ways are coming over today. Just Donna and Gerard though. I know its probably really hard to take in, especially with so much happening in so little time. But he loves you Frank. And he's going to need you more than ever now." He said setting the drink and plate on my nightstand and perching on my mattress. It was 2pm. I had done nothing but lie here for three days. There was no reason to get up anymore. I was going to lose everything again. He might not be clean anymore. And above all, she must have meant alot to him.
"Ray! You will never understand! You don't have what we have, we've lost it all! How do you expect me to keep going huh? Just lie in this shithole and die! Thats all i want to do!" I screamed at him. Everything inside me seeping out. Exploding like a volcano.
" Frank, you're going to be angry. Its okay to hurt over this. I'd be worried if you weren't. But remember, we are all here for you whenever. You may kick and scream but i'm still going to hug you." Ray said his voice full of sincerity as he lifted me from my bed and pulled me into a hug. I hjad finally crumbled. I broke down in my loyal cousins arms.
This place. The vile stench of disinfectant and the horiible murky green wall paint. The potted plants that are supposed to add a homely sensation. They just make me want to go back to my own home. I don't want this to happen. I don't want to feel more violated so soon. I had been intruded enough and now this was never going to end for me. An endless train track of anguish and invasion. Everybody was out to get me.
My poor child. I didn't want this for him. Never did i imagine this is what would happen in his lifetime. It's a worst nightmare come true. Nobody should have to go through something like this. He has lost so much already. He's been hurt enough already. I wish i could go in there and take that examination for myself to spare him. But that won't get us justice. It won't heal our wounds. I think of Bett and her baby girl Grace. I bet she doesn't picture sitting in a doctors surgery in nineteen years time waiting to hear a verdict of whether her baby's been harmed even more physically than the actual ordeal. I bet she doesn't want to imagine it either. You raise your child protecting them and then letting them fly. It's the other flyers that you need to be concerned about. " Gerard Way." A small blonde woman calls, i take his hand and walk him to the examination suite. I have to leave him now. Both of us are terrified. " Be brave, sweetheart. I'll be right here when it's over. Just think of happy thoughts. Straighten up little soldier." I whisper to in his ear and i see the same small seven year old from twelve years ago.
" Mom! Shut the Fuck up!" I scream at her. She's such a whore. Just because her snotty boyfriend is off at work to sit at a desk and do fuck all for eight hours she takes it all out on me. She always does it. " Elizabeth! Calm down or i'll wash your mouth out with soap! Do you understand? And by the way, you're grounded. No laptop, no phone and no TV after eight." She yells back. I run up the stairs. " What the fuck Mom?! Where the fuck are my clothes, My tv, my fucking bedroom door!"
" They've all been taken from you. I will choose what you wear for the next two weeks and your privacy has been taken away temporarily, until you learn there are boundaries and you will stick to them, Elizabeth." She says as thought she's sorting out a filing cabinet. She's stealing my life is what she's doing. And calling me Elizabeth? Its bad enough that's my full name. " And get showered please. We have a Doctors appointment to get to." She adds.
" Why?" I say. I fucking hate doctors and nurses and surgeons for that matter. I fucking hate my mother too. " Because we need to make sure my grandchild is developing properly." She says before going downstairs leaving me with my mouth open wide. " Fuck you then." I mutter.
A knock at the door.
" Hello! Oh do come in! It's great to see you again! Oh, Gerard you're looking taller again son." Bett coos over the Ways. A week ago i would've been downstairs like a bullet through air, but something has glued my feet to the floor and i simply cannot move at all. " Gee, Frankie is upstairs honey. Ray will be home soon, he's just had to return some DVD's to his friend Bob." Bett says and then i hear his familiar, soft footsteps getting nearer by the second.
" Hey." He says. He looks awful. His face is make up less, his eyes bloodshot and worn out. His hair pointing in all different directions. He clearly hasn't slept well lately. He could definitely do with a good meal too. He's skinnier than i remember him being. Three days of hell can do alot to someone. And i am certain these days have been hellish for him. Just like they have been unbearable for me. " Um... we need to talk Gerard." I say. And we both sit down on the bed. " She's having your baby Gee." I remind him, like he would've forgotten something so evil could carry something produced by someone so perfect. " It's so ugly, Gee." I add tearing up as my chest tightens as though someone is squeezing my voice box with undeniable force. " I know Frankie. But that's my baby inside her. An innocent life created by me and her. I need to protect my son or daughter. I have to be there, i could be it's only chance." He says and with every word my eyes sting more and my heart begins to crack. It's really come to this, hasn't it. It's all going to end.
" Please stay with me Frankie. Don't leave me now. I need you." Gerard is begging me, clutching my hand. He's going to be a father soon. He cries, he's been torturing himself. I see more new cuts. Perfectly in line with his veins. He's tried to take his life again.
" Gerard, you're cutting again." I say. And he nods solemnly.
" Please stop. You did so well before. You can do it even better this time. Keep trying." I say.
" Frankie, stay. Be here forever." He sobs.
" I can't do this Gerard! She fucking meant a lot obviously! You fucking had sex with her! If you loved me from day one like you said you would have saved yourself. Sober or not. And now you have a child to raise together! Well praise the fucking Lord! I love you Gerard! But it's not enough. Because you don't know what love is. Now, Get out and never come back! Leave me alone for good! I need truthful permanent fixtures! Not two faced, lying wastes of my own sweet time!" I yell pushing him out of the door. I lock it quickly and slide down as the tears begin to fall and for i don't think they'll ever stop. I hear Gerard doing exactly the same from the other side. Cursing and baging his head on the door. It just wasn't enough. And i can never go back.
Aww poor babies! Thankyou for reading! We're getting closer to the end! :) X