Brendon sat with Ryan for a long time, just holding him in his arms as Ryan talked. He kept running the side of his hand along Ryan’s cheek, and Ryan would give a pleased shiver every time. Ryan talked for a long time and Brendon just sat there, loathing himself as he tried to assuage Ryan, who was slowly growing more hysterical. At one point, Ryan looked at Brendon, cheeks thoroughly soaked in tears. “Help me, Brendon,” he said. Brendon felt like he was going to curl up and die. Instead, he smiled gently at his lover, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “Let me save you, Ryan.” Ryan’s eyes grew wide and alarmed. “I don’t know if I can.” With that, he gently slid out of Brendon’s grasp and disappeared into the bathroom.
As soon as Ryan shut the bathroom door, Brendon collapsed into the mattress. He hugged his knees to his chest as he shuddered violently. “Oh God, Ryan. I’m so sorry,” he breathed. “I don’t want to hurt you. Why did you tell me that?” He shuddered again. He felt like he was having a seizure. And as the tremors slowed, he felt his anxiety leave him. It was swiftly replaced with numbness. Not apathy. Numbness. He felt empty. Like his heart and soul had been ripped from him, and had left his body to go on without him truly being there. He wanted desperately to save Ryan, from both his problems and Brendon himself. That bitter and cruel thought returned to him. He was Ryan’s anchor. He both supported him and dragged him down at the same time. But Brendon was selfish. He wanted Ryan to be here with him, forever. He turned so he was on his stomach and buried his face in Ryan’s pillow, inhaling. The trembling started up again. Brendon let out a loud sob, hoping the pillow had muffled it enough. “Ryan!” he wailed into the pillow, hoping he’d asphyxiate on his tears and mucus and just die. He felt bile starting to rise in his throat and he laughed at the irony. Unfortunately, laughing actually caused him to start choking on it, and he bolted for the bathroom. He flung open the door, and felt his eyes being seared by the light. The bile was rushing up his throat now and he gently pushed Ryan to the side as he practically shoved his head in the toilet to throw up.
Ryan watched in terror for a moment as Brendon appeared to choke on his own bile before running over to him and slamming him as hard as he could on the back. He sighed in relief as he heard Brendon take a sharp breath before puking again. Ryan stayed knelt beside him, his arms wrapped around the sick man in a comforting, warm embrace. Once his stomach had emptied itself of all nutrients, Brendon leaned into Ryan heavily, panting. The elder ran his hand through the youngers sweaty hair, pushing it back from his forehead. He kept his cool hand on Brendon's forehead, his heart breaking when Brendon made a sad mewling noise. He hated when Brendon got drunk. He hated knowing that He was slowly destroying himself. But at least he didn't do it that often anymore. It was just another reason he was better than Ryan. With a sigh, he pulled the smaller man into his lap, rocking both of them very gently. "Shhh. Just sleep it off, Brenny." Brendon made another sad noise. "I can't, Ry. I don't want to drag you down with me. To this box. My sad Box. You Cant stay here. You're so bright. You burn so bright," he mumbled wildly. Ryan knew it was the left over alcohol. He carefully picked up Brendon and carried him out, laying him on the bed. He turned to walk out the door, looking at his Brenny one more time before he let him rest. He was startled to see his wide brown eyes looking straight into his hazels. "You're burning, Ryan. You're burning so incredibly brightly." And then his eyes shut and he let out a soft snore as Ryan shut the door with a gentle click.