A/N: Hey guys I just want to thank you again sooo much for all your support and awesome R&Rs they mean soon much, so thank you soooo much hehe (: Be sure to check out my cute little one-shot "Gerard just wants to be noticed":http://www.ficwad.com/story/160898 and my colab with cozmiczombie "Two boys, two letters, one love":http://www.ficwad.com/story/162291 Also I would have to say my fave bands are – The used, Lifehouse, Mcr(but mainly their old stuff) Linkin park, Biffy clyro, Crossfade, Smile empty soul, Green Day, Nirvana, Billy Talent, Paramore, Taylor swift, Avril lavigne and MSI. Lol I have a lot eh? Hehe oh and you guys seem so awesome so if any of you guys live in Birmingham, or anywhere lol it would be really nice to talk to you awesome people, so if you could please give me your msn addy we could chat if you like (:
Anyway I really do hope you like this chapter more, I will try and improve my writing I have just been really busy, anyway I really do hope you like it, I still have a bit of writers block and feel as if my writing isn’t so great :/
Thanks so much for the support I am sure that will help, so please R&R :)
.....I realised that Lucy wasn’t the one for me, sure she was super cute, nice, friendly and funny and purged with everything that I would want in a girl. However, there was nothing there, there was no sweet smells of hot caramel, coffee and sugar scented breath, making chills creep down my spine and my hairs stand and nose tingle at the smell. There wasn’t the feeling of complete pure bliss, feeling weightless as I were a feather floating further to cloud nine every second. No emoticons raging to explode, seizing through the creases of my skin, sending me uncontrollable messages I was eager and thankful to receive and the feeling of being touched, by an angle fading, like wispy smoke towering around me filling me with incredibly lush sensations now withered away, with the rest of the remarkable feelings I would hope to feel.
Not counting how long I am fortunate to have these lips on mine, but hopeful that she would pull her lips apart, granting me the satisfaction of air and knowledge to whom I now know should be pressing their lips to mine. The realisation that that one person can make all those butterflies, tingles, sparks, tiny explosions implode inside me appear again.
I couldn’t take this anymore, I had to have that feeling, and I knew what I had to do, it’s been swimming around in my thoughts for way too long, hiding away inside, hibernating and hopefully remain there forever. I was too scared to finally admit it, not wanting the choice of commitment, rejection, openness and everything else that I knew should have been expressed, and this time it’s not going to be hidden anymore.
I hurriedly departed my lips from hers, hearing a sloppily departure as I did, feeling more disgusted as I do when Aunt Clare kisses me, ugh. That road I really don’t want to take.
She looked into my eyes as I held her face inches from mine, sensing the truth reeling in her iris, the same truth as mine. Her face only held the emoticon of guilt and realisation, her too neither feeling the same connection as we had hoped. She looked down ashamed, her cheeks glistening in the dim light, to which I soon could tell were small droplets of teardrops trickling down her rosy cheeks, as they burnt a bright ruby. She was using her fringe as a shield, not allowing me to gain access to her face, however, just peeping though the parted strands of her dark almost jet black perfected fringe.
I peered down at her, my emoticons full of sorrow and empathy, as I reached down to gently take her hand and clasp it neatly into mine, our fingers nicely entwined as it took a while for me to regain courage and breath.
“Lucy,” I softly spoke, my voice slightly croaking at the suddenness of using it again, also due to feeling very off balance and nervous which doesn’t help either.
“Yeah” she called back, barely above a whisper as she tilted her head forward an inch still not able to see her face, but only her eyes scan over mine quickly whilst her head was down.
“Lucy, I--I’m really sorry...but I ca--can’t do this, I...” I stopped and closed my eyes, breathing in, as this was something I had never had to do. And this time what I was going to say...it was real...reality...the truth. “I...I like someone else,” I gulped in my wreck less state, nervousness struck visibly and not ever wanting to let someone as nice as Lucy know like this.
“G-Gerard,” she laughed nervously, her face now slightly more revealed as she glanced up at me.“I’m sorry too, I should h-have told you before, I-it looks like we urhh both-h-have been fooling ourselves because...I like someone else too,” she explained in a hushed tone, looking regretful for the kiss also, but sadly smiled as she gazed behind me. This resulting to me turning my head in the direction of her stare where Bob laid. Only being distracted by a blond bombshell that was accompanied by him in the booth.
I turned my gaze back to Lucy, seeing a twinkle in her eyes as she carried her gaze at him, so captivated by him it took a while for her to advert her eyes back to me.
“You like Bob?” I smiled, the question coming out in more of a statement, but a happy one.
I felt terrible, I could sense that Bob liked Lucy and I had been there flirting with her, if you could call it that, when it was obvious that I never liked her like that in the first place, but I had to convince myself until now to figure that out.
“Yes, but I know he doesn’t like me...I know it’s bad but I-I used you to make Bo-Bob jealous,” She said ashamed, her head now back to her previous permission, bowed down away from my vision. “I’m really sorry Gerard,” She said just peeping up at me through her fringe, pleading with her eyes.
I peeked over to Bob and then spun my head back round at Lucy. I softly laid my hand on her shoulder and smiled at her sympathetically.
“Lucy...what we both did was silly, but Bob does like you...believe me,” I assured her.
“Really?” she questioned, biting her lip whilst giving me a look of disbelief.
“Yes, I know he does, he might be with that girl...b-but I can tell that he doesn’t like her the way he does you,” I generally smiled, as I tugged on my strands of wiry black hair to tuck them behind my ears.
She looked up at me, repressing her smile no more as she had now held a massive grin that almost covered the whole of her face, then grabbing me by the shoulders and enveloping me into a huge cosy snuggle, squeezing me lightly.
“Thank you Gerard...and I’m really sorry for giving you mixed si...” I cut her off.
“Lucy, don’t...its fine, I’m glad you told me the truth, and I should be the one sorry...I-I have been fooling myself about a lot more than you could ever imagine,” I shook my head whilst rolling my eyes.
“Really?” she replied clueless, looking confused with her eyebrows knitted closely together as she let her arms slip from my shoulders to sling around my wrists, looking into my eyes. “What’s wrong Gerard?”
“Well I...ugh,” I sputtered out unknowingly, breathed and rubbed my face with the palms of my hands...I know I had to tell someone. “I...like this b-b...boy...and I—I have been convincing myself that I don’t, t-that I’m straight and I like girls...like you...I um I- please don’t tell anyone?” I pleaded, not even knowing what exactly I meant, just knowing that I want him. I need him.
She was frozen in shock, but smiled soon after, soothingly running her left hand up and down my arm in a friendly gesturing manner.
“I will never...tell a soul, I promise,” she smiled. “Bu-but doesn’t your brother know?” she asked confused with her nose scrunched up.
“I haven’t yet, it only took-t-tonight to realise...t-that I like him,” I said, feeling my cheeks over crowded by redness, as I cowardly lowered by head, scratching the back of my neck with shaky hands twisting the strands of black around my also very shaky fingers.
“I...haven’t even felt this way about a boy before, never. This is all new t-to me a-and I....I just really like him, I know he needs someone and I want that person to be me—I-it just has to be,” I confirmed, the last bit spoken as if I was talking to myself, just to clarify that I was right, not holding enough confidence to meet her gaze.
“Gerard....then go for it, I believe in you, so believe in yourself that you can do this,” she smiled encouragingly. I smiled back widely, now knowing that I didn’t need to be afraid of this, she was right. I held her tight in a big embrace.
“Thank you...Lucy pop,” I smirked.
“Hey...”She sulked, pouting her lips at me.
“Sorry it just sounds cool, like lolly pop” I smiled, feeling a wave of courage and confidence wash over me, just by a few simple but very honest words.
“It does,” she laughed, “Go for him Gerard,” she smiled.
“I will...you too,” I said gesturing to Bob as I nodded my head in his direction. She looked at him and took a deep breath, with me mirroring her actions.
We both glanced at each other and nodded, knowing exactly what to do.
“Good luck pop,” I smiled.
“And you...Ger... Gee urhh...damn, I’ll think of a nickname or some sort for you later,” she huffed jokingly, before nodding with a smile as we both began our separate ways.
I dashed off, speeding through the many people, pushing and shoving my way out of everyone, trying to get to my destination quicker than ever. (and not THAT destination if you know what I mean XD) I have been wasting too much time, why couldn’t I have just gave in, trusted myself, believed what my brain was telling me, that gut feeling not being able to reveal itself, but now it’s here, revealing all. Naked, not to the world but to him. I have been a selfless idiotic pig, too scared to come out to what I truly feel, and there is no way I can let this go by any longer, I have to grab it now, before it’s too late.
I’ve been stupid enough to avoid this, something that means so much to me, but making it become so little. Trying to dismiss it, finding other useless things to occupy myself, keep myself from wanting him. Procrastinating is what I have been doing...however, even that is a understatement for my stupid acts. I have done nothing to help him, not even attempt. I haven’t even done anything to help myself, only digging myself deeper into this hole that has become more messier, more fragile, more daunting...more weak.
Now I know that it will take more of me to pull myself up, to pull myself together...us together.
I skidded round the corner (not one of them skids in your pants XD) leaving the club, leaving Mikey, Bob, Lucy, Romy and leaving the horrid smells that lingered. Now heading for something more important, something I should have realised a long time ago was more important.
I knew something was missing, that I was still yet to fix that missing puzzle in my heart, make it complete, so I can stand again, stand to actually be around myself.
The cars flew by and the hotel felt a million miles away, but in reality not that far at all. Every step I took my nerves struck heavier, my fears that I won’t have the guts to tell him what I desperately need to say, all my emotions once again bottling up inside, not able to get them out, I fear that’s what’s going to happen. Then my other fear, just as bad...that he will reject me and all those feelings, will never be shared, but just slowly and painfully cut away with a knife.
The hotel was in clear view now, and as it was my heart was thumping, skipping beats, shock that I am actually doing this but fear and sweat all in one. Breath hitching in my throat and a lump forming before I had even maintained a sentence. My stomach growling horribly and doing backbend, flips, summersaults that even my mind wouldn’t be capable of achieving. Hairs on the back of my neck standing, tingles erupting all over and flushing before I had even strung a conversation with him. Visions of everything going wrong, making me more nervous as my mind wondered. My arms, hands legs shaking, lip quivering then...the door.
I had been worried so much that I hadn’t even realised that I was here, that this is it, it’s now or never, I can’t back down, I have to do this now. My form all over the place from the constant worrying and running, breathing heavily and out of puff, heart skipping 10000 miles per second, so loud that It felt worse than an earthquake erupting, or a volcano or....breath.
I tried slowly, my quick sharp breathing, stop my pulse from continuing the edge of breaking point, and everything that I was so worried about. I slowly began to breathe, counting to ten to calm my nerves, as I was now stood in front of our hotel room, the door looking more petrifying than ever before, even when Mrs Withers stands in front of it.
My breathing relaxed as I told myself to calm down, hopeful wishes now filling my head, as I know I have to do this, I can’t let him slip through my fingers before I have even caught him. I told myself that it was all fine, he feels the same way, from the looks he gives, that he apologised, his friendly behaviour, just praying that he truly does feel the same spark as I do whenever he is around.
I took another gigantic breath and clasped my hands onto the cold door knob, I’m reading now, I’m just going to tell him. I slowly creaked the door open, my eyes closed but feeling merely confident, I know I just have to tell him now.
I rushed though the door, and flicked the light switch on, and now letting my mouth do what it needed to for a long time.
“Frank I...” My words were cut short, my sentence back fired and my stomach dropped...it was too late.
A/N:THERE YOU GOOO MY LOVELY READERS (: can you guess what he saw? Hehe awwww I love you guys soo much really, I do love all the R&Rs I did promise you in a week I know its a day after but please forgive me (puppy dog eyes) I literally just soo slow....haha :) well I hope its good enough, really, I really do hope you like it. I love my cliff-hangers, sorry about that, but it’s getter good now, it’s finally getting to the serious more action and drama bit, so I would love all your R&Rs and tell me what you think.
Ohhhh and another quiz question, tell me your top 5 or 10 best looking band members :p I would loveee to know. Thank you all soo much for your amazing support, I really do love writing this story and you guys make it a ton more enjoyable, thanks so much guy!!!!! :)
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