A small break from all the bad.
And so Gerard and I went on that way. Fighting, screaming, crying, making up and falling in love all over again. Winter in Jersey was snowy and ice cold and it lasted all the way until April. For Halloween I went as a stripper and Gerard went as Batman. Thanksgiving was spent at his mother’s house eating some of the most delicious food I had ever put in my mouth. For Christmas Gerard got me a bracelet to match the ring and the necklace and I got him a new leather jacket since his old one had long gone to pieces. And even though his mental health was slowly deteriorating and times very more than turbulent, I couldn’t help but feel contented.
As spring rolled around, Gerard’s mom was hell-bent on planning the wedding. I told her she could if she was able to fight Milo for it and win. She laughed it off but I was being serious. But as soon as the preparations were being made, My Chemical Romance and my band caught wind of another tour we would be spending together. Gerard and I decided to postpone the wedding until the tour was over. Everybody seemed heart broken over it. I was secretly a little relived.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love and want to marry Gerard, it was just that I was scared to. I was scared of being pigeon-holed into such a huge commitment. This was only the second real relationship I ever had and it was snow-balling into something bigger than I could imagine. And I was scared for Gerard. Every night when we could go out for band practice I was afraid he either wouldn’t come back at all or I would get a call from Mikey or somebody saying he was in the hospital.
I loved Gerard with all my heart, even though sometimes we yelled at each other so loudly his land lord came and complained. Even though we had to buy a new set of dishes because I kept breaking all of his when I threw them at him. Sometimes he would just go into a rage for no reason at all or over something little. I had a very short temper and I knew it, but Gerard had a serious problem. He was an alcoholic and addicted to his medications, that I knew. But something deep inside me told me that that wasn’t all that was going on. But I buried that feeling because I couldn’t face the truth. I was scared.
I think my biggest fear wasn’t cold feet because there was no doubt in my mind that Gerard was my soul mate. My biggest fear was that we would get married and he would die of an overdose and I’d be left alone again with only broken bits and scraps of what we had. I was afraid of it turning out the way it did with Leah. I didn’t want to have to burry another lover. I didn’t think I had it in me.
But all these bitter feelings aside, I was content. There was a new tour right over the horizon, which meant I would be reunited with my fans, my band and Milo. Summer was nearly here, which was my favorite season because that was the season of my first big tour and the season in which I met the love of my life.
It was a bright sunny day, the first I’d seen in months. Gerard was napping on the couch in a white tee shirt and dark blue boxers when I last checked on him. I was curled up in my favorite green pajama shirt and pink panties on the bed on top of the turquoise comforter. My hair was a mess but I didn’t really care. The white curtains were pulled open and the sunlight was pouring through. It had just rained and I had a really good view of the damp black top outside and the rusty street lights. I had a cup of tea in my hand and a book on Satanism I was really fascinated by in the other; it was a good day.
In fact, I was so engulfed in my book that I didn’t even notice when Gerard snuck into the room behind me.
He tackled me with a roar and made me spill my tea all over. Then he straddled me and kissed my neck over and over, growling like a rabid dog. I was laughing hysterically and dropped my book. Gerard pinned both my wrists down on the bed and kissed and nipped at my neck and ears furiously. He let go of my wrists to tickle my ribs until I thought I would just die if he didn’t stop. He rolled over me, both of us gasping for air.
In the beginning of our relationship, Gerard had no concept of play. He was awkward and stiff. I took pride knowing that I was the one who got him to loosen up and show him how to have a good, cute time. Moments like these were ones I wished could last forever.
“Mmm what cha reading’?” Gerard asked, wrapping his arms around me and burying his face in my hair. I sighed and picked up my book. I had lost my place when he tackled me.
“Book about Satanists and devil worshipers.” I said plainly, but happily. Gerard smiled and shut his eyes. “It has the same design as my ‘I Fuck For Satan’ shirt.” I added brightly just to watch Gerard’s smile grow wider. I loved his smile.
“Sorry I spilled your tea. I didn’t see that you had it until it was too late.” Gerard apologized. I sighed but grinned as I picked up the mug from the puddle of green tea. “You are so cute, just sitting in here reading with your cup of tea. Like an old British lady.” he said, giving me a squeeze.
“And old lady? You callin’ me old?” I joked. Gerard rolled his eyes.
“Psh, as if. Des, if you were any younger than you are now I’d be in prison.” he said. I smiled and tucked myself against him.
“Do you ever feel old around me?” I asked, gazing out the window as I talked. Gerard followed my gaze.
“No, you actually make me feel a lot younger. Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again.” Gerard sang The Cure’s “Lovesong” loudly. I laughed and tried to pull away.
“Gah! Stop it!” I giggled madly as I struggled against his tight grip.
“What? You don’t like The Cure? Well maybe if I sing “Just Like Heaven” because the song is such a good fit for you. Why are you do far away she said, oh won‘t you ever know that I‘m in love with you?” Gerard joked, still holding me tight. “Come on, you have to sing or I’ll never ever let you go!” He threatened playfully. I was laughing so hard it hurt.
“That I’m in love with you! You, soft and only.” Gerard’s grip loosened as we sang together and I took the opportunity to roll over and lay on top of him. “You, lost and lonely. You, strange as angels dancing in the deepest oceans, twisting in the water. You’re just like a dream. You’re just like a dream…” his voice faded out around the second line leaving me to finish off out duet.
We were silent for a little while, my head resting on his chest. I listened to his heart beat and imagined the little piano solo that came after those lyrics. I bet Gerard was doing the same thing. Both our hearts were still racing slightly from the tickle fight. I couldn’t help the smile on my face.
“New tour coming up.” Gerard mumbled into my hair again. I sighed happily. “New fans to meet, new bands to see….” his voice trailed off.
“I get excited just thinking about it. Only a couple more days and we’re back on the road again.” I said wistfully. I could feel Gerard smirking at me.
“I’m sorry we had to postpone the wedding.” Gerard said quietly. Ever since we’d made the announcement that we weren’t having it, everybody had been treating me like I’d lost a baby or something.
“We’ll be okay, as long as there is a wedding. I still haven’t picked out my dress…” I thought aloud.
“I bet you’d look beautiful in a wedding dress. Where are you planning on getting it?” he asked. I snickered to myself and rolled over so that I was facing him.
“I don’t know about the dress, but Victoria’s Secret said they’d supply the lingerie.” I said slyly. Gerard looked confused.
“Lingerie?” he asked, raising and eyebrow.
“Yeah, y’know for our wedding night?” I said, poking his arm. He made and “o” shape with his mouth before smirking and kissing my cheek.
“But you already have a drawer full of frilly, lacey, stringy stuff.” Gerard teased. When I moved in I kind of took over his closet and part of his dresser. His clothes were now confined to six drawers out of the eight on his dresser. But if he was bothered by it, he didn’t say so.
“Yeah, but you can never have to much.” I assured him. “And it’s free, so it’s even better.” I added. Gerard nodded and kissed my cheek again with his chapped lips. I shut my eyes and was thankful that I could forget all the bad, even if it was only for a little while.