Desole is trying to help, but Gerard thinks he's beyond help.
So after that night the tour was over and we all took a plane back to Newark. But Milo couldn’t come with us. He had to go back to LA to watch over his and Desolé’s condo. It was a very sad, heartbreaking and tearful goodbye. But Des said she would be alright because she would get to see Milo again in the spring during the wedding. But still, she was very sad and lonely for the next few days without him
Luckily my family was there to cheer her up with their crazy antics. All my family was pretty strange. She seemed to love my family as much as I did, and they loved her right back. But how could they not though? Just about everybody on the planet loved her, with good reason. And that included me. Because even though I may not be the man she deserved, I was the man that loved her the most.
Newark was cold as we slowly shifted from summer to fall. And it was getting colder and colder every day. The leaves were changing from green to bright reds and yellows and oranges, the sky was always overcast. It was a pretty beautiful time of year. Des and I liked to walk around the streets in the afternoon.
Today she wore her hair down, but tucked back in a dark red beret. She looked cozy and warm in my waist coast, tied neatly around her little waist. To top it off, she had chosen dark wash jeans and black high heels. I was just in my usual Iron Maiden shirt, leather jacket and black Converse. My jeans were ripped and every time the wind blew I would get shivers.
“New Jersey is such a great place.” Des smiled, beaming at the orange-red tree tops around up. I chuckled a little and stuffed my hands in my pockets.
“How do you figure that?” I asked, smiling as she walked ahead of me and turned around. She took a big breath and let it go. You could see her breath like smoke in the air.
“I love you parents. You’re mom is a great cook. You’re dad is funny as hell. Mikey is the sweetest kid ever. And I haven’t been hounded by the press or anybody since we got here. Its like a secret haven.” She explained. I smiled a little wider. Desolé threw her head back and laughed as a gigantic gust of wind made the leaves on the ground swirl up and scrape across the pavement. A few came off the trees and two attached themselves to her hair.
“You’re right. This place is kind of a haven.” I said, walking over to her. I brushed a stray piece of hair out of her eyes and kisses her. When we pulled away and I picked the dead leaf-bits out of her hair.
“So, do you wanna go to my parents place for dinner or cook something back at the apartment?” I asked, taking her hand in mine as we walked back to my place. My apartment was kind of shabby, only thirty minutes away from my parents house but it didn’t have roaches.
“Hmm, let’s go to your place. I feel weird always making your mom cook for me.” Des said after a moments thought. I gave her hand a squeeze and nodded as we headed back to my place.
When we got home, Desolé took off my jacket and her hat and hung them on the coat rack by the door. She combed through her hair with her fingers and caught me staring. I blushed and looked down at my feet. Still so childish.
“What do you want for dinner babe?” she asked, heading into the midget-sized kitchen and raiding the pantry.
“I dunno. What do we have?” I asked as I headed into the living room. The living room basically consisted of a small TV on stand, a futon with pillows sewn by my mother, a lamp on a table and a picture of my family on the wall. It wasn’t much, but it was better than living in my parents basement.
“Hmm, I could do spaghetti and meat balls.” She offered. I agreed and hesitated before I turned on the TV. I liked to listen to her clatter about the kitchen with the random assortment of pots and pans. After a second of listening I turned the TV on and flipped to MTV just for kicks. Their programming was basically just reality shows now. I was surprised to see and interview with Desolé on.
“Hey Des, your on MTV!” I called over, turning to catch her reaction. There was a tiny little window that allowed you to see from the kitchen to the living room. She stopped for a second and laughed.
“That was back when we were just fuck buddies. They asked me about it.” She said, returning to her cooking. I half smiled; those were not the best of times.
“So what’s the situation with you and Gerard Way? We’ve heard that you guys are dating.” The interviewer asked. Desolé rolled her eyes on the screen and slumped her shoulders as if to say “come on!”.
“Okay, people have been saying we’re dating ever since we went on tour together. We’re just friends. No matter how many times I say, I always get asked this question.” Desolé said. I changed the channel.
“Babe, will you watch the water for me and make sure it doesn’t boil over? I gotta take a piss.” Des said, calling my attention back to he kitchen. I nodded and searched aimlessly for something else to watch.
I left Gerard in charge of the kitchen while I went and did my business. As I was washing my hands I noticed the medicine cabinet was open slightly. I opened it all the way to discover Gerard’s one bottle of Xanax that I had picked up for him but a few weeks ago was empty. Completely empty. That bottle was supposed to last up to three months. And he had gone through it in a matter of weeks.
I shut the medicine cabinet with shaking fingers. I stood there for a moment and stared at myself in the mirror, feeling hollow and surprisingly void of emotion. I bit my lower lip and mouthed silently “what am I gonna do?”.
I pulled out my phone and hit my first speed dial, Milo. He answered on the third ring. It sounded like he had been sleeping or something. I wondered what time it was over in LA.
“Milo, I need to talk to you.” I said in a hoarse whisper. I was afraid that if I talked normally Gerard would hear me.
“Uh oh, what’s wrong chica?” Milo asked, sounding fully awake now.
“Its Gerard. Y’know how his Xanax prescription is supposed to last for three months, well its gone. All of it. The bottle it empty and I got him that bottle only a few weeks ago.” I explained quickly, my sadness and anger growing inside me.
“Oh god. I think that you should talk to him about it. You need to tell him what’s up. Make sure he knows your worried about him. But don’t come off as controlling or bitchy because then this will just blow up in your face. I’m so sorry.” Milo said. I took a deep breath to steady myself.
“Okay. You’re right. Thank you. I’m gonna go talk to him, okay?” I said after a long silence. It amazed how a day that was so good could turn so sour.
“Alright, you be careful. If you need anything just call me up.” Milo said. We said our goodbyes and then hung up.
I left the bathroom and went back into the kitchen as though nothing had happened. I finished cooking the spaghetti and the meatballs and fixed our plates. We sat across from each other at the miniscule table, both of us picking at our food.
“Dinners great sweetheart.” Gerard said after he swallowed. I grinned and felt my smile falter. I put my fork down. I had to get this off my chest and out of way.
“What’s wrong Des?” Gerard asked immediately. It was funny how he could read me like and open book without even opening his eyes.
“Gerard I found your Xanax prescription in the bathroom. It was empty. That bottle was supposed to last you three months. Three months.” I said firmly. Gerard dropped his fork in a very fed up way and sat back in his chair.
“Can we please just have dinner together without talking about this? I don’t want to argue right now.” Gerard said pleadingly.
“No Gerard! I don’t want to argue either. I hate arguing with you! But you have a problem and we can’t fix it until you open up about it.” I said a little louder than I meant to. I took a deep breath to regain my composure.
“Maybe I like having a problem! Maybe you should just lay off!” Gerard snapped at me. I gaped at him.
“Gerard if we’re gonna get married you need to let me help you. Please just listen. I don’t want to yell or scream at you. I just want to help you get better.” I didn’t know how I could make that anymore clearer. But Gerard still didn’t seem to want to listen to me.
“I think I’m just gonna go out for a while. I gotta meet up with the guys later anyway.” Gerard said, pushing his plate aside and standing up. I stood up too so I could stop him. It was not going to end like this again.
“No! Only place you’re gonna go is rehab! I’m so fucking tired of yelling at you and getting at you, and you won’t even try to help yourself for fuck’s sake!” I yelled, standing in front of him when he moved to leave the kitchen.
“I am not going to any fucking rehab now get out of my way!” he barked at me. The force of his words and his voice reminded me of my mother and I flinched inwardly.
“Help yourself Gerard! Help yourself! I can’t be your mother!” I shouted, my voice feeling raspy. I was actually getting hoarse from yelling at him so often. This was ridiculous. It was one of those moments where I couldn’t help but wonder why I was still putting myself through this.
“I never asked you to be my mother! You’re fucking crazy!” he said exasperatedly. My eyes got wide.
“Do you want me to leave? Do you just wanna call this whole thing off?” I asked angrily. My hip bumped the table and knocked my plate onto the floor where it shattered. “If you want I can just call Milo and he’ll book me a plane to LA right now!” I threatened, grabbing my glass and throwing it on the ground by my plate, where it also shattered. I was s frustrated and angry that my vision was pulsating with my heart beat.
“Fuck this. I’m going out.” Gerard said in a calloused tone. My resolve crumbled as he pushed past me to get to the front door. I reached out and grabbed his shirt sleeve.
“Wait, wait, wait. I didn’t mean to yell or do that. I’m sorry, I am. Just stay, please. I’m sorry. No, stay, please stay.” I pleaded, holding firm to his sleeve. He looked at me and waited for me to continue. “I’m tired of you doing this to yourself. I could never leave you. I couldn’t, I don’t know why I said that. You have to help me out though. You have to do yourself a favor.” I continued.
“Des, I can’t.” His voice cracked.
I wanted to break down, but I held it together. Whatever this was, this weight in my chest and stomach, I just hoped it would go away.