Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Life Is Full of False Hopes
I walked into the room after Spencer.
The past three hours had been spent in awkward silence with Jon. We watched TV on the couch in the living room once I got out of the shower. He didn't have anything to say to me, and I didn't have anything to say to him. Ryan had vanished, Jon saying nothing of it. It made me feel as if Ryan hadn't actually been there in the first place. But I knew that wasn't true either. So we sat in silence, waiting for Spencer to come home.
He did, and it was just about as awkward as the other hours. The first thing he did was gave us a 'who died?' look. I took a glance up at the clock. It told me it was almost six in the morning. Spencer asked to talk to me in private, leading us to his room so he could change out of his work clothes. His eyes were pink, bags hiding under them. It told me that he hadn't had much sleep recently. Then again, neither had I. He spoke as soon as he shut the door.
"How much do you value life?" I stared at him as he looked towards the opposite wall, taking his shirt off. I stared in silence, my eyes gazing at all of the pink lines present on his back. So many scars. How did he get that many? "Brendon?" He turned to face me and I shrugged.
"I guess it depends." He turned back around, grabbing a shirt from the floor. He used it to cover all of the scars on his back, making me feel slightly sick.
"I was thinking about what you did earlier, and I tried to understand what would make you think it was a good idea, and then I had this sort of realization." He turned to face me, looking me right in the eyes. "It doesn't matter what pushed you to do it. It's your life and your decisions. I just want you to think about it a bit." I looked down.
"My family died." The sound of soft footsteps followed by arms wrapping around me. It was an awkward hug, probably because I refused to hug back. My mind went to my family, their faces blurred as my mind tried to remember what they used to do. I missed them, and the life I used to have. I buried my face in his shoulder, feeling him tighten his grip around me.
"I'm sorry." I stayed silent. What was I supposed to say? I knew nothing of his home life, and he knew nothing of mine. That's the way it should be. We stood there for a minute, both of us being completely quite. I was the one to break that silence.
"Can you feel the Earth moving under our feet?"
Spencer went to take a shower, leaving me with Jon on the couch. Some documentary was on, but neither of us were paying attention to it. I had too many questions to ask him, but no words to form the sentences needed. I could tell that Jon was thinking the same thing, and the silence was making it even harder to decide what to do. I shifted in my seat, yawning. The minutes inched by slowly, and with each passing second I found myself growing more tired, the room seeming to get warmer. I was getting more anxious, wondering if anything else would be said. I started to debate leaving, trying to decide if it would be better to go back to the place that I was told to be my home, or wait in an awkward silence for answers that didn't seem to exist to be spoken.
"You saw his back, didn't you?" I looked over at Jon, who was staring at me with an intensity I hadn't ever seen. His eyes seemed to be slightly glazed over, like he was lost in a memory he hadn't thought of in years. I gave a short nod and he looked away, staring at the TV once more. It was silent yet again, and I glanced up at the clock. After five minutes had passed, I decided that nothing else would be said. I stood, muttering that it was late and that I had to get back home, before walking out the door.
I just want to take a second to say that life is a game. We spend all of our time trying to improve our lives and never stop to wonder if it's what we want. We're all always looking to the future, only giving nervous glances at the past; all too busy to notice the here and now. Some of us, we end up being different. Some spend all of their time in the now, living a life that's happier than those that think their happy.
Then, there are the ones that know the truth.
And when you know the truth, you never go back. It's always there, nagging in the back of your head.
The truth, is a lot like a creature you would never imagine. It sinks it's claws in your skull, injecting thoughts into you like poison. It goes down and makes your heart heavy. Every. Single. Time. Whenever you hear it, or think of it, there's nothing else you can think of. There's no bright side, no up side; just the truth. A bitter thing that leaves a sour taste in your mouth.
I guess I've known the truth longer than most others, and that's why I know life isn't worth it.
Here's the truth; everything you are, do, and ever will be, is absolutely nothing. You're just a speck in the universe, meaningless in every way possible.
And now that you know, you might as well know another thing. Even with the fact that nothing you ever do will have meaning, this still isn't dying. It's living.
Being in the house I was supposed to call home was boring, to say the least. It didn't take long for me to start wishing that I was back with Spencer and Jon; sitting on their couch, watching a movie and attempting to have a good time. Instead, I sat on the couch with Jerry, the only family member that seemed to be home every day. He was sitting on the floor, playing with a toy robot while the TV hummed some kids show. I looked around the room, letting my eyes wander away from the TV. An old book shelf filled with things that little kids and preteen girls would like sitting on dusty shelves with pointless knickknacks. Family pictures with different foster kids in almost every one were scattered across the wall. Sports gear seemed to litter the floor, a foot ball and shinguard's, a baseball bat and glove with no baseball, and a full badminton set. My eyes to spotted something that I hadn't seen before. I stood, walking towards the large object silently. I could feel Jerry's eyes on me, and soon after heard him following me. I sat down on the wooden bench, allowing my hands to trace the ivory keys.
Sitting in front of me was an old console piano. I let a smile grace my lips, letting my fingers play whatever they wanted to. Jerry sat down next to me, and I glanced over at him, my fingers never stopping. His eyes were filled with amazement, wide and sparkling like he was watching a circus. "Can you teach me how to do that?" I stopped, shifting uncomfortably. It was odd, being asked to teach someone how to do something I hardly knew how to do in the first place.
"Um...Sure." I slid down the bench, allowing him to sit where I had been. He put his hands on the keys and I couldn't help but smile a little. "Just move your hands over a little." I took his small hands in mine, moving them over ever so slightly. He fixed them and I couldn't help but laugh. He looked up at me, and I placed my hands over his. "You just go like this." I gently tapped on some of his fingers, having him press down on different keys. He was laughing, the sound filled with glee as it mixed with the sound of music. I thought about my parents, the night they died. I had been playing this exact song twenty minutes before everything went up in flames. The sound of a door opening was heard and we both stopped, looking up to see the mother like figure who ran the house standing in the doorway. I quickly got up, a blush crossing my face.
"Brendon, what are you doing?" She had a knowing smile on her face.
"He was teaching me!" Jerry said excitedly. I bit my bottom lip, not wanting to have the conversation that I knew was soon to follow. Without a word, I walked away, practically running up the stairs. I really didn't want anyone else to know that I could play instruments. It made me feel like something bad would happen again. I closed my eyes, telling myself to breath as I tried to remember their faces, and everything that they used to be.
Amongst the hazy memories, I thought of Ryan, and couldn't help but wonder what he was doing.
~~~~~
Guess it's been a while. Did ya miss me? No? Yeah, I wouldn't really miss me that much either.
Anyway, thanks to all the people that reviewed last chapter. I think that if you guys stopped reviewing, I'd probably stop updating. So, it means a lot, and yadda yadda yadda, sappy sediments that I've already said a million times.
-xoxo Pansy.
The past three hours had been spent in awkward silence with Jon. We watched TV on the couch in the living room once I got out of the shower. He didn't have anything to say to me, and I didn't have anything to say to him. Ryan had vanished, Jon saying nothing of it. It made me feel as if Ryan hadn't actually been there in the first place. But I knew that wasn't true either. So we sat in silence, waiting for Spencer to come home.
He did, and it was just about as awkward as the other hours. The first thing he did was gave us a 'who died?' look. I took a glance up at the clock. It told me it was almost six in the morning. Spencer asked to talk to me in private, leading us to his room so he could change out of his work clothes. His eyes were pink, bags hiding under them. It told me that he hadn't had much sleep recently. Then again, neither had I. He spoke as soon as he shut the door.
"How much do you value life?" I stared at him as he looked towards the opposite wall, taking his shirt off. I stared in silence, my eyes gazing at all of the pink lines present on his back. So many scars. How did he get that many? "Brendon?" He turned to face me and I shrugged.
"I guess it depends." He turned back around, grabbing a shirt from the floor. He used it to cover all of the scars on his back, making me feel slightly sick.
"I was thinking about what you did earlier, and I tried to understand what would make you think it was a good idea, and then I had this sort of realization." He turned to face me, looking me right in the eyes. "It doesn't matter what pushed you to do it. It's your life and your decisions. I just want you to think about it a bit." I looked down.
"My family died." The sound of soft footsteps followed by arms wrapping around me. It was an awkward hug, probably because I refused to hug back. My mind went to my family, their faces blurred as my mind tried to remember what they used to do. I missed them, and the life I used to have. I buried my face in his shoulder, feeling him tighten his grip around me.
"I'm sorry." I stayed silent. What was I supposed to say? I knew nothing of his home life, and he knew nothing of mine. That's the way it should be. We stood there for a minute, both of us being completely quite. I was the one to break that silence.
"Can you feel the Earth moving under our feet?"
Spencer went to take a shower, leaving me with Jon on the couch. Some documentary was on, but neither of us were paying attention to it. I had too many questions to ask him, but no words to form the sentences needed. I could tell that Jon was thinking the same thing, and the silence was making it even harder to decide what to do. I shifted in my seat, yawning. The minutes inched by slowly, and with each passing second I found myself growing more tired, the room seeming to get warmer. I was getting more anxious, wondering if anything else would be said. I started to debate leaving, trying to decide if it would be better to go back to the place that I was told to be my home, or wait in an awkward silence for answers that didn't seem to exist to be spoken.
"You saw his back, didn't you?" I looked over at Jon, who was staring at me with an intensity I hadn't ever seen. His eyes seemed to be slightly glazed over, like he was lost in a memory he hadn't thought of in years. I gave a short nod and he looked away, staring at the TV once more. It was silent yet again, and I glanced up at the clock. After five minutes had passed, I decided that nothing else would be said. I stood, muttering that it was late and that I had to get back home, before walking out the door.
I just want to take a second to say that life is a game. We spend all of our time trying to improve our lives and never stop to wonder if it's what we want. We're all always looking to the future, only giving nervous glances at the past; all too busy to notice the here and now. Some of us, we end up being different. Some spend all of their time in the now, living a life that's happier than those that think their happy.
Then, there are the ones that know the truth.
And when you know the truth, you never go back. It's always there, nagging in the back of your head.
The truth, is a lot like a creature you would never imagine. It sinks it's claws in your skull, injecting thoughts into you like poison. It goes down and makes your heart heavy. Every. Single. Time. Whenever you hear it, or think of it, there's nothing else you can think of. There's no bright side, no up side; just the truth. A bitter thing that leaves a sour taste in your mouth.
I guess I've known the truth longer than most others, and that's why I know life isn't worth it.
Here's the truth; everything you are, do, and ever will be, is absolutely nothing. You're just a speck in the universe, meaningless in every way possible.
And now that you know, you might as well know another thing. Even with the fact that nothing you ever do will have meaning, this still isn't dying. It's living.
Being in the house I was supposed to call home was boring, to say the least. It didn't take long for me to start wishing that I was back with Spencer and Jon; sitting on their couch, watching a movie and attempting to have a good time. Instead, I sat on the couch with Jerry, the only family member that seemed to be home every day. He was sitting on the floor, playing with a toy robot while the TV hummed some kids show. I looked around the room, letting my eyes wander away from the TV. An old book shelf filled with things that little kids and preteen girls would like sitting on dusty shelves with pointless knickknacks. Family pictures with different foster kids in almost every one were scattered across the wall. Sports gear seemed to litter the floor, a foot ball and shinguard's, a baseball bat and glove with no baseball, and a full badminton set. My eyes to spotted something that I hadn't seen before. I stood, walking towards the large object silently. I could feel Jerry's eyes on me, and soon after heard him following me. I sat down on the wooden bench, allowing my hands to trace the ivory keys.
Sitting in front of me was an old console piano. I let a smile grace my lips, letting my fingers play whatever they wanted to. Jerry sat down next to me, and I glanced over at him, my fingers never stopping. His eyes were filled with amazement, wide and sparkling like he was watching a circus. "Can you teach me how to do that?" I stopped, shifting uncomfortably. It was odd, being asked to teach someone how to do something I hardly knew how to do in the first place.
"Um...Sure." I slid down the bench, allowing him to sit where I had been. He put his hands on the keys and I couldn't help but smile a little. "Just move your hands over a little." I took his small hands in mine, moving them over ever so slightly. He fixed them and I couldn't help but laugh. He looked up at me, and I placed my hands over his. "You just go like this." I gently tapped on some of his fingers, having him press down on different keys. He was laughing, the sound filled with glee as it mixed with the sound of music. I thought about my parents, the night they died. I had been playing this exact song twenty minutes before everything went up in flames. The sound of a door opening was heard and we both stopped, looking up to see the mother like figure who ran the house standing in the doorway. I quickly got up, a blush crossing my face.
"Brendon, what are you doing?" She had a knowing smile on her face.
"He was teaching me!" Jerry said excitedly. I bit my bottom lip, not wanting to have the conversation that I knew was soon to follow. Without a word, I walked away, practically running up the stairs. I really didn't want anyone else to know that I could play instruments. It made me feel like something bad would happen again. I closed my eyes, telling myself to breath as I tried to remember their faces, and everything that they used to be.
Amongst the hazy memories, I thought of Ryan, and couldn't help but wonder what he was doing.
~~~~~
Guess it's been a while. Did ya miss me? No? Yeah, I wouldn't really miss me that much either.
Anyway, thanks to all the people that reviewed last chapter. I think that if you guys stopped reviewing, I'd probably stop updating. So, it means a lot, and yadda yadda yadda, sappy sediments that I've already said a million times.
-xoxo Pansy.
Sign up to rate and review this story