Happiness, lies, and broken souls...NEW CHAPTER, PLEASE R&R AND I'LL POST THE LAST TWO CHAPTERS! :D
I’m sure I’ve said it before, but if it hadn’t been for you guys support, I would have given up on this long ago. hope you like this chapter…there are only two left to go after this O_O anyway, hope you all enjoy and pleeeease R&R!
Frank’s point of view:
It’s strange how your world can go from a dark, confused, mangled mess of broken friendships, deep denial, refused emotions and concealed insecurity to sudden clarity and realisation, all just because of one, impulsive act.
For the first time in what feels like years, I feel light and carefree; I’m floating above all my past confusion, above the glowering grey clouds of gloom that loomed over me, pressing heavily on my shoulders, their smoky tendrils curling into my thoughts and tainting them with foggy confusion. Now I’m soaring high above them, up into clear blue sky, light and free and floating.
And it feels fucking amazing.
Amazing to finally know who I am and what I want, why I’ve felt so messed up, so hurt and lost and alone the past few weeks, why loosing Gerard affected me so much, and just so wonderful to be without all the fear and denial and muddled, mangled thoughts that overwhelmed me, making me a ghost, plagued by my own emotions, my fear of discovering who I really am.
But y’know something? You can’t change who you are. You can’t change what you want. You are who you are, and sooner or later, you just have to accept that and learn to live with the person you really are inside, under all your false pretences and denial and fear, because it’s the only real way to be happy- how can you be happy if you’re pretending to feel a way you don’t? The sooner you can realise just how important it is to never lie to yourself, the better.
And it’s all thanks to Gerard Way; without him, I’d never have discovered what it’s like to have real friends, friends who love you the way you are, never discovered how to stand up for myself, never have learnt what it’s like to have your heart torn into tiny, mangled pieces, never learnt what it’s like to meet someone that becomes your entire, fragile world. I’d never have learnt just how fucking important it is to be myself.
Without him, I’d never have been able to accept who I am, because I know that with him, there’s at least one person in this fucked-up world who will accept me just the way I am.
All the shit I’ve gone through in the past few weeks is all irrelevant now; none of it compares to how fucking wonderful I feel now, how light and free and just happy. For once, I wouldn’t change who I am for the world.
I’m walking to Bee’s house for the sleepover she made me promise to come to earlier this week; the November air is bitterly cold, stinging my cheeks with it’s harsh claws, tiny, icy droplets of rain lashing against my raw cheeks and soaking through my hoodie like icy needles, but I can’t stop smiling, can’t stop wanting to dance all the way to her house through the overflowing puddles and muddy leaves.
I’m me. I’m Frank. And I’m fucking alive.
For once, I’m not over-thinking every tiny little thing, terrified of what’s lurking inside me, because now I know; now I know all the things I was too scared to admit before, the thoughts that were like golden autumn leaves swirling in the icy breeze I was so scared of catching.
The icy bullets of rain are lashing at my soft skin, stinging, ripping at my flesh, the air so cold it feels like an unearthly shriek whipping right through my skeleton, but it only makes me feel more alive.
By the time I finally arrive at Bee’s, I’m soaked to the bone, hair plastered to my face, shivering violently, but exhilarated from sprinting through the lashing rain, the icy air rushing past me, so cold it feels as though it’s torn a layer of skin of my face, leaving my pale skin red and raw.
I ring the doorbell and stand back, panting slightly, my breaths smoky in the icy November dusk, curling up into the endless pearly grey sky and mingling with the cold, grey winter cloud.
A couple of moments later, I hear footsteps on the other side of the door, and then it swings open to reveal Bee in her usual black Slipknot hoodie, along with black skinnies and fluffy penguin socks, hair hanging in dark ringlets round her face.
“Frank…Hi…” She smiles at me, though she looks confused.
“Hey Bee!” I grin, shaking my wet hair out of my eyes.
“I wasn’t expecting you to turn up…” She says, pushing her reddish brown fringe out of her big, chocolate brown eyes. “You look happy.” she observes, looking slightly perplexed.
“Y’know something, Bee? I fucking am.” I beam at her, despite the icy rain still seeping through my hoodie and onto my skin.
“That’s great, Frank…” Bee smiles, still looking puzzled. “But…why? …You haven’t turned to drugs or anything, have you?”
“No, of course not!” I roll my eyes at her, but I’m still unable to stop grinning.
“Then may I ask why you’re smiling like the Cheshire cat?”
“I’m in love!” I burst out, beaming.
Bee blinks. Twice.
“You mean…you’ve finally stopped being a complete and utter moron and realised how you really feel?” She whispers, eyes wide.
“Yep!” I beam at her through the grey rain falling between us and trickling down my face like icy tears of the silver sky.
“Oh, Frank, I’m so happy for you!” Bee beams back at me, flinging her arms round me and enveloping me in a quick, jasmine-scented hug.
“Thank you, Bee.” I mumble into her shoulder, hugging back and at the same time trying not to soak her with my rain-drenched hoodie.
“For what?” Bee asks, pulling back and motioning for me to step inside out of the dusky downpour.
“For being there for me! For putting up with all my shit and not giving up on me…I don’t know what I’d have done without you.” I say seriously, following her inside, pulling down my hood and showering droplets of rain all over the hallway.
“You’re welcome.” Bee grins, shutting the door behind me on the bitter November twilight. “I’m just so happy you’ve finally realised…I was starting to wonder if you ever would!”
“I’m so fucking glad I did.” I smile, taking off my sodden The Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie, following Bee up the stairs and onto the landing.
“Me too…I’d just about gone insane if you hadn’t realised soon!” Bee rolls her eyes teasingly at me, pushing open the third door down on the landing and ushering me inside.
It’s perfectly Bee; deep lilac walls and bed sheets, band posters pinned over the desk, black net curtains and gothic fairy lights strung across the ceiling. It’s girly and gothic and interesting; just like Bee.
“Wow, I love your room.” I say, staring at her poster of Glen Danzig.
“Thanks.” Bee smiles, chucking an Iron Maiden CD into the stereo and pressing play. “Now…can you tell me what the actual fuck has happened? I wasn’t expecting you to turn up at all, and even if you did, I was expecting you to be a total nervous wreck after I saw Gerard yesterday.”
“You saw Gerard?” I ask, stomach performing an unexpected twisty somersault manoeuvre at the simple two syllables.
“Yeah- I went home with Mikey after school and talked to Gerard…fuck, he was a mess.” Bee shakes her head, sitting down on the bed.
“A mess? Why?” I ask anxiously, sitting down beside her. “Is he okay?”
“He’s an idiot.” Bee sighs, pushing a stand of her hair behind her ear. “He thinks when you kissed him-” she breaks off as I make a funny little squeak of surprise. “- yes, Frank, I know you kissed him- he told me all about what happened in the park. Anyway, he thinks you only kissed him to get Aled to piss off and that it didn’t mean anything to you.”
“I did do it to get Aled to piss off…to start with…but then...” I sigh softly at the memory, lost for words, thinking about the ghost of the deserted, dusky park; Aled’s cruel words like acid, stinging Gerard with their deadly venom, the raw hurt in those beautiful, greeny-hazel eyes, wide and startling in the bleak greyness of the park, the fury rising and writhing up inside me at Aled like red hot blood.
I sigh again, shaking my head. “It was like…fucking amazing. It made me realise everything.”
“And you’re okay?” Bee asks, peering at me through her reddish brown curls.
“Yeah…I’m fucking great.” I say, shaking back my rain-soaked fringe and smiling. “It feels so wonderful not to feel so confused all the time, y’know?”
“Totally.” Bee agrees. “You seem like a different person.”
“I kinda feel like one.” I admit. “How didn’t I see it before?”
“I did.” Bee grins teasingly. “It was blindingly obvious.”
“How?” I ask slightly indignantly.
“Well, for one thing, you were always trying to please him, you went bright red whenever he spoke to you, you were really worried about him after he kissed you the first time, and you still liked him and didn’t want to lose him.” Bee grins. “I mean, if Gerard wasn’t such an idiot himself, he’d have noticed too.”
“Umm…does…does Gerard still like…like me?” I ask tentatively, pushing my damp, dyed-black scruffy fringe out of my eyes and looking seriously at Bee.
Bee rolls her eyes. “Of course he does. Why do you think he’s slowly going insane and driving everyone else crazy at the same time?”
“Do you think…d’you think he’d want to…like, uh…be with me?” I ask shyly, feeling my cheeks pinken as I voice for the first time out loud the thing I’ve wanted for so long but haven’t had the courage to admit, even to myself.
“Considering the fact he hasn’t stopped thinking about you since you first got paired together for that stupid Biology thing, and he’s probably just about ripping handfuls of his own hair out right now because he’s over thinking everything so ridiculously much, yeah.” Bee teases, nudging me in the ribs and grinning fondly at me.
I can’t help another huge smile taking over my face.
“Go for it, moron.” She smirks.
“How? When will I see him again?” I sigh, slumping. “I bet he’ll be too embarrassed or whatever to want to see me again.”
“…Uh… Frank?” Bee says, looking at me slightly nervously.
“Yeah?” I reply, feeling ever so slightly apprehensive at her expression.
“I have to tell you something…I really hope you won’t be too mad with me…”
“Um, okay?” I reply, feeling more than slightly worried. Was she lying about Gerard liking me? Does he actually want to brutally murder me and use my essential organs as gruesome ornaments? Does he-
“Y’know I said that Mikey and my cousin Gerald were coming to stay over tonight too?” Bee cuts through my thoughts.
“Well… I lied- Mikey and Gerard are coming to stay over. The only reason Gerard’s coming is cause he thinks you’re my cousin Franklin.”
I blink at her.
Bee bites her lip. “Please don’t kill me…I was only doing it to try and get you guys to make friends again.”
“Gerard’s coming here?” I ask, stomach suddenly a writhing mess of nerves and adrenaline.
Bee nods, still chewing her lip.
She nods again.
“I fucking love you, Bee!” I cry, throwing my arms round her as she gives a little squeak of surprise. “You’re a genius!”
“Not really.” Bee grins at me. “You and Gerard are just incredibly stupid.”
Suddenly, the harsh ring of the doorbell echoes up the stairs, cutting off our conversation.
My stomach somersaults, heart leaping in my chest.
“That’ll be them…” Bee bites her lip. “Listen, Gerard might freak out a little when he finds out what I’ve done, so maybe you should stay up here? I’ll bring them upstairs in a sec.”
“Okay…” I agree, and Bee jumps up, setting off down the stairs.
My heart’s in my throat, stomach churning, hands shaking, mouth dry; my insides feel like they’ve been invaded by an army of bloodthirsty, flesh-devouring butterflies that flutter frantically through my bloodstream, hungry and venomous.
All the emotions are colliding inside me in chemical combustion.
I’m shaking, fused together only by trembling adrenaline.
The sound of the door opening.
…Is Gerard not here?
Footsteps on the stairs.
Is he ill?
Creaking on the landing.
Is he too upset?
Voices outside the door.
Is it my fault?
The door opens and Bee walks in, followed by Mikey who’s chattering away to her animatedly, his mousey hair carefully straightened, nose pink from the cold, Anthrax hoodie damp from the rain.
My heart’s in my throat, pulse fluttering anxiously.
Is he here?
Is he here?
Is he here??
…And skulking behind Mikey, like a shadow, hair raven and dishevelled, falling across startlingly unique greeny-hazel eyes and a ghostly pallor, hoodie stripy black and white and rain-drenched, is him. It’s Gerard.
My stomach jumps wildly, all the butterflies fluttering crazily as my heart pounds frantically behind my ribs, but there’s a horrible, sinking, heavy feeling of guilt in my chest, tugging at the strings of my nervous heart like rusty vines of barbed wire; he looks like a ghost.
He’s deathly pale with heavy purple bags under his red-rimmed, bloodshot, sleep-deprived eyes, hollow, deadened, as if he’s separate from the world, living in his own cosmos of pain and confusion and never ending, incessant thoughts that plague him every waking moment. He looks like a broken soul, hiding, hollow, from the sorrow of reality.
But he’s still beautiful; a beautiful, broken ghost.
Mikey looks up, sees me and falls rapidly silent, looking apprehensively from me to Gerard, hazel eyes wide behind his geeky glasses.
Bee looks guilty, nibbling her lip and looking at the floor.
Gerard finally looks up from under his curtain of tangled midnight hair, no doubt wondering the cause of the sudden silence, and finally catches sight of me.
He blanches, turning even paler, eyes wide and horrified behind his ebony hair, scared, startlingly green with mingled hazel, red and raw and bleeding anguish.
He looks ready to pass out there and then as he stares horrified, unblinkingly at me. Or possibly just expire then and there.
“…Fucking.. mooseshit…” He whispers, raggedly from behind his hair, and then he’s gone, stumbling blindly from the room in a blur of black.
“Gee?” Mikey calls tentatively, eyes anxious.
“Oh shit...” Bee groans, pushing past the shell-shocked looking Mikey and ducking out of the door after Gerard.
It slams shut behind her, leaving a more than slightly awkward silence hanging in the air between me and Mikey.
“So…” Mikey mutters after a few moments, shifting from one foot to the other. “Um…how are you?”
“Um…okay thanks…you?” I mumble, chewing nervously at my nails, chest heavy with disappointment and regret, the barbed wire entwined tighter round my ribcage. Can’t Gerard see I don’t hate him?
“Worried about my moronic older brother.” Mikey sighs, nibbling his nails too, mousy fringe dangling in his eyes, and suddenly he seems just like Gerard’s younger brother, insecure and worried and scared, and my heart goes out to the vulnerable younger teenager hiding behind the intensively straightened fringe.
“Oh…” I mumble, not really sure what to say.
“You know he’s madly in love with you, yeah?” Mikey says, looking up at me seriously.
My stomach leaps and I can feel a soft pink blush creeping up my cheeks. “Um…uh..” I mutter intelligibly.
“Frank, do you like him? Honestly?” Mikey says seriously with worried hazel eyes so like his brothers, only more innocent, untainted by the fractures and failings of the world.
“Of course I do.” I whisper, sitting down heavily on the bed.
Mikey blinks at me, but doesn’t seem surprised.
“Well, seriously, could you just do something already then? I mean, he’s driving us all insane. He even said ‘Franks’ when Mom passed him the butter at breakfast this morning, instead of thanks.” Mikey rolls his eyes despairingly. “The dude needs pills or something.”
I let out a reluctant chuckle despite myself.
“Are you gunna do something?” Mikey asks me earnestly.
“I…I want to.” I mumble. “I just don’t know…how, y’know?”
“Frank, he’s fucking crazy about you. You don’t need to ‘wait for the right moment’ or anything- any moment is the right moment. You just have to fucking do something.” He says honestly. “Or seriously, we’re all gunna go insane.”
I’m quiet for a moment, turning over his words in my head. He’s got a fucking point; I can’t wait forever for the right moment- and Gerard needs me right now, needs to know that I don’t hate him and that I don’t want him to hurt anymore.
“Um…I’ll be right back, Mikey.” I say, getting up off the bed and walking slightly shakily towards the door.
“Where are you going?” Mikey asks, turning round in surprise.
“To find Ger-” I’m cut off as the bedroom door bangs open, narrowly avoiding hitting me.
“He’s gone.” Bee pants, massaging her ribs
“Gone?” Mikey and I repeat simultaneously.
“He just…left…out the door. I think he’s going home.” Bee sighs.
I think of Gerard, walking despondently home in the icy rain and harsh wind, trudging wearily along the endless, grimy grey streets, alone, raindrops trickling down his pale cheeks like salty tears, and I know I have to do something.
I push past Bee and thunder down the stairs, not bothering with my hoodie, and flinging open the front door.
The rain is almost torrential now, like a thick, grey, icy mist seeping from the bleak sky. The street is deserted apart from one skinny black figure trudging slowly down the endless street, hood up, hands shoved in his pockets.
“Gerard!” I yell, sprinting down the street towards him, the pouring rain like icy needles on my bare arms, dribbling through the thin fabric of my t-shirt. “Stop!”
The figure pauses, but doesn’t turn round.
“Gerard!” I cry again, splashing through the overflowing muddy puddles that line the street, freezing cold grimy water seeping over the tops of my converse.
I slide to a halt just behind him, panting, my breath coming in misty gasps that curl up into the incessant grey drizzle and murky sky. “Gerard.” I breathe, and he turns slowly around to face me.
His midnight black hair is plastered to his cheeks, pink from the stinging rain that attacks our skin, lips cherry pink and soft with rainwater, droplets of rain clinging to his dark, spiky lashes like tears, eyes wide and startlingly greeny-hazel in the bleakly grey winter surroundings, lost and vulnerable and alone.
He’s like me, a broken misfit, walking the world alone, tainted and mangled by a thousand acid words, cast aside for being himself, for being different to everyone else, the boring and mundane, cast aside just for being unique.
And it’s then I realise; I’d do anything for this person, I’d do anything to make him happy, anything to get him back, anything, fucking anything.
I look at him.
“Please stay, Gerard.” I say simply.
How was it? sorry if it was kinda shit :/ I’m probably being stupid, but I’m kinda worried people are going off this story :/anyway, PLEASE rate and review- like I said, there are only gunna be the two finishing chapters now (one in Frank’s POV, one in Gerards), so if you want me to post them, please let me know what you thought of this…the more reviews I get, the sooner I update- I’m on holiday at the moment :D I can’t believe this story’s so nearly finished- I’m gunna be really sad to leave it!
Thank you all so much for reading, love you guys!!