Fire-breathing stepsisters, unhelpful puff heads, and the footsteps of doom...NEW CHAPTER, GUYS! R&R PWEEASE!! xD
please read and review my new chapter of You'll Never Fit In Much, Kid if you haven't already- it would mean a lot and there are only two chapters left of that to post now D; http://www.ficwad.com/story/171057
anyway, in the meantime, I really hope you like this chapter…it took me ages and I was feeling really ill, but I so wanted to get this up cause you guys have been so awesome with your rates and reviews and offers of mini naked Frankies and cupcakes xD…ENJOY THE CRAZINESS! xD
A horrible, heavy, ominous silence that seems to last longer than eternity follows Jamie’s heart-stopping, bone-chilling entrance to my room that seemed to freeze all three of us where we were the moment the door banged open.
Jamie’s glaring furiously at both of us, eyes livid, Frank’s looking back at her, apparently at ease, and I’m hiding behind my hair, trembling, and trying very, very hard not to look at the daughter of Satan for fear that her glare will actually burn holes through my skin.
The way she’s looking at me right now, you’d think she’d walked in on me stark naked, ravishing her boyfriend like there’s no tomorrow, rather than just standing what’s possibly half a centimetre closer than normal to him.
What’s so bad about that? It’s not like she can see into my mind or anything- then perhaps she’d have reason to be giving my The Glare Of Death, but seriously, we’re just standing in the middle of my bedroom floor. What’s the big deal?
Oh. Wait a moment.
His hand is in my hair.
Her boyfriend’s hand is in her stepbrother’s hair.
This is in many ways not good. Not at all good. Especially if Frank and I are wanting to get out of this alive.
Still, it’s not like she walked in on us fucking like the last two rabbits in the universe trying to rebuild the species.
That’s a good image to get into your head right now, fuckface.
Jesus Christ, does my brain never stop trying to kill me?!
I give myself what’s probably the millionth violent mental facepalm today.
It’s perfectly normal for guys sexier than sex itself with careless black mini-mohawks and red eyeliner to be found with their hands in the messy, jet-black hair of co-ordinationally special, unnaturally pale, stuttering, Misfits obsessed teenagers with a severely burnt left hand, right?
Seriously, there’s no way in a billion years it could actually mean something- I mean, he’s Frank motherfuckingmooseshitting Iero for god’s sake. Frank Iero. Frank Iero. The only time he might possibly even consider liking on any level a retarded, clumsy, stupid, idiotic, moronic, imbecilic fuckface like me would be if the entire universe was blown into tiny smithereens and we were the only two life forms left in existence.
And even then, he probably wouldn’t, if the guy has any sense.
Then again…he’s dating the more evil and ferocious female version of Voldemort- so he must be clinically insane, which also tends to mean lacking all sense.
Hmmm, there’s hope.
I just need to find a way to blow up the universe.
Preferably a way that will destroy the evil life form which I’m not sure I can class as human that’s staring at me with a glare so evil it could melt through radiation.
This really isn’t good.
And Frank Iero still has his hand. In. My. Hair.
Jamie finally relents her Glare Of Death on me, only to turn it to Frank, who unless I’m very much mistaken or insane, is looking kinda…amused?
Does the guy actually want to die a horrifically painful death?!
Then again, his amusement might well be due to the fact I probably look about as horrified as I would if someone had just trampled to death a baby hamster and force-fed me the remains, not to mention I’m pretty sure I look about as guilty as I would have if Jamie had walked in on us fucking like rabbits trying to rebuild the species.
I really should stop using that comparison. It’s not good for my deluded little brain cells.
Jeez, turn a glare on me like the one Jamie’s giving Frank right now and I’d sink through the floor, straight to my grave, but Frank seems as relaxed and at ease as ever, casually tapping his foot up and down on my carpet to, unless I’m very much mistaken, the beat of Early Sunsets Over Monroeville.
“Hey Jamie.” Frank says casually to the fuming girl in the doorway, grinning a slightly sheepish lopsided grin, perhaps in a disastrous attempt to lighten the ominous atmosphere that hangs over my bedroom.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Jamie snarls furiously, and actually, I wouldn’t be that surprised if smoke started coming out of her nostrils.
“Feeling Gerard’s hair.” Frank says, as if it’s totally obvious and the most normal thing in the world to be found randomly molesting your girlfriend’s stepbrother’s hair in his bedroom.
Not that I’m complaining or anything; for once, all the crazy people who live inside my head are in happy, hormone-crazed, utter fuzzy agreement.
“What?!” Jamie says through gritted teeth, raising her carefully plucked eyebrows sceptically.
“It’s like, really soft…feel?” Frank disentangles his hand from my hair and gestures to my head while all my Frank-deluded brain cells droop despondently at the absence of his warm, calloused hand and I mentally give myself yet another facepalm for being such a pathetic, love-sick teenager.
Jamie looks so witheringly at him I’m surprised he doesn’t just curl up under my bed and die, but he just stands carelessly where he is, the same amused twinkle in his heavy-lidded emerald eyes while Jamie eyes my head as if it’s a mangled, rotting, flea-infested, maggot breeding ground carcass of a diseased hyena.
“What shampoo do you use, Gerard?” Frank asks casually, looking up at me with red-rimmed eyes.
“Unughfeee….umhff…Passionfruit.” I mumble, feeling myself go bright red.
“Coolbeans.” Frank grins, just about destroying my already fragile knees. “Hey, I’m thinking of dying the sides of my hair again…d’you wanna do it for me?”
Hold it right there. He wants me to help him dye his hair? Me? The guy who’s showered him in guitar picks and coke, bashed him round the face with an acoustic guitar, and poured boiling water all over my own hand right in front of him.
If I dye his hair, it is almost certain he will die.
Is that not clear to him?!
“Uhmm…s-sure..” I hear myself say, still hiding from Jamie’s Glare Of Death behind my -apparently really soft- hair.
“Great!” Frank beams at me, seemingly oblivious to Jamie, who actually looks like she’s about to go up in smoke. “I’ll come by sometime with the dye.”
There’s another heavy, awkward silence, during which Frank throws me a cheeky wink from behind his scruffy, dyed-black hair and I melt more than just a little bit, stumbling slightly as I have nothing to clutch onto as my knees suddenly melt faster than my hand when I poured boiling water over it.
I don’t know whether Jamie caught the wink or not, but either way, she looks ready to rip my guts out and strangle Frank with them.
And Frank’s still relaxed and at ease, smirking his devastatingly sexy amused smirk. Does he not know that this girl could brutally maim him with one violent sweep of her flexible mascara wand?!
Whether he does or not, he doesn’t seem to care.
“You coming?” Jamie says icily to Frank after several moments of deadly silence and evil glares.
“Sure.” Frank says easily as Jamie turns towards the door. “See you around, Gerard.” He smiles his devastating, knee-destroying, fatally chest-melting grin, runs a hand through his recklessly styled hair and follows the fuming, fire-breathing Jamie down the stairs, hips swaying.
Does the guy deliberately do things that make all my brain cells wish to be suddenly thrown at him?
Warm, golden sunlight filters through the lush, leafy canopy of the old oak tree I’m lying under, dappled and balmy in the cool shade of the branches. The air is peaceful and silent in the late afternoon golden summer sun that soaks through my sleeveless Black Flag t-shirt, relaxing me and soothing me.
After such a stressful, Frank-filled day, it’s wonderful to just lie in the balmy, peaceful solitude of the back garden, devoid of cat-snogging best friends, hysterical brothers, petrifying stepsisters with uncanny resemblance to Lady Macbeth, and insanely gorgeous guys that destroy my knees and reduce my brain cells to even more of a pathetic, useless, unfunctioning, mushy mess than usual.
Here, I can just relax and not have to worry about accidentally setting the house on fire or seriously injuring Frank Iero’s essential organs. I’ve got my purple Skullcandy headphones on, Black Veil Brides up full blast, letting the music overwhelm me.
Okay, in reality, I’m just trying to block out the voices inside my head, which won’t shut the fuck up about a certain skinny someone with russety eyes and a careless black mini-Mohawk.
I mean, I’ve spent almost the whole day obsessing, worrying and freaking out over 5’4 (and a half, if you count in the scruffy mowhawk) of perfection, and I could really do with just ten minutes without my stupid brain cells bleating on and on about the person I’m trying so hard not to think about.
I mean jeez, can’t they just do what I want for once?
He has such beautiful eyes…all golden and greeny with-
Before I can behead my own brain cells, I change the music to Slipknot, hoping that will distract me (or my moronic, obsessive) in some way.
But no matter how much I try, I just can’t stop thinking about Frank Iero…can’t stop thinking about his careless Mohawk and twinkling russety eyes rimmed with blood-red liner, the way he bandaged my burnt hand with such care, the way he looked at me in my room and tucked my hair so tenderly behind my ear before Jamie walked in…
Stop it, Gerard. You’ll only get your hopes up- and there’s no way in a million years a guy like Frank Iero could actually like you; you’re a weird, obsessive, co-ordination ally handicapped homosexual sixteen year old with skin paler than an albino rabbit.
I sigh heavily and roll over onto my side, letting the tiny, lush green blades of grass tickle my cheeks.
How come the guy I have to fall for just has to be so unbelievably out of my league? Not to mention dating my evil stepsister, who would certainly violently stab me to death with her hairdryer if she knew just how much I like her boyfriend.
My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the back door opening and someone wearing heels walks out onto the patio. Spike heels. Spike heels with little pink bows.
Fuck. My. Shit. Filled. Life.
She must be back from her lunch with the god of sexy sexiness.
Oh my god, please, please, please with coffee and meese on top do not let him be with her.
I really do not think my fucked-up little brain cells could cope with seeing Frank Iero again today- they might actually spontaneously combust in a mush of fuzzy hormones. Or propel me to do something incredibly stupid that I would certainly deeply regret, especially if Jamie had anything to do with it.
“Sandra?” Jamie’s voice rings out across the garden.
Trying extremely hard not to get noticed, I roll over onto my stomach and peek out from behind the gnarled trunk of the old oak tree I’m lying under to see Jamie sitting on the steps of the patio, legs crossed, lips coated in pink gloss, her cell phone pressed to her ear.
“Yeah, it’s me.” She says into the receiver, fluffing her hair. “Listen, I really need your advice.”
I sigh. Right now, I really do not need to hear an endless discussion on hair and nails- I came out here for peace and quiet to try and regain some of the sanity I probably never had, and the last thing I need is to listen to Jamie’s whiny voice whinging on about whether or not to buy new curling tongs.
“Sandra…it’s about Frank.”
I stop in my tracks, my attitude to Jamie’s phone call suddenly transforming from irritation to curiosity. I lie very still, trying extremely hard not to get noticed, as I’m pretty sure if Jamie found me eavesdropping on one of her private calls, especially after the events earlier today, she would have no hesitation in mutating me with her pink tweezers.
“Yeah, him. He’s just…really pissing me off and I don’t know whether to ditch him or not.”
My eyes widen in shock. How could that guy ever piss anyone off?
Actually, come to think of it, feeling up your girlfriend’s stepbrother’s hair might be slightly irritating if you’re dating him. But what the hell, he’s Frank Iero!
“The only reason I haven’t is cause he’s so good looking and he makes Bruce jealous when he sees him with me.” Jamie giggles. “It’s hilarious.”
My eyes widen further still.
“But I don’t really care about Bruce anymore- I mean, sure it’s fun to piss him off and make him jealous, but there’s this other guy I met down at the park earlier…”
My eyes are actually gunna pop if they get much wider.
“Yeah! Jeez, Frank’s such a freak, even though he’s so hot, but this new guy..”
My mouth is wide open.
All my little brain cells mouths’ are wide open.
“Yeah, I’m meeting him on Friday, but don’t say anything to anyone cause I don’t want Frank to find out- I don’t want to ditch him just yet… I kinda want to get my own back on him for pissing me off so much earlier apart from anything else. And I know it’ll hurt Gerard if I stay with him too- the retard has such a pathetic little crush on Frank!” Jamie giggles coldly.
Seriously, fucking aeroplanes could fly into my gullet right now.
“Yeah. So you won’t tell anyone? I don’t really think Frank would take well to being cheated on!” She laughs again. “Okay, yeah. He’s just too good looking to ditch. Anyway, I’d better go- I’m meeting him this evening. Thanks, bye Sandra!” Jamie sniggers, snaps her phone shut, tosses her hair over her shoulder in a horribly self-satisfied way, smirking, getting up and going back inside, closing the door behind her with a sharp click.
I’m actually frozen in shock, eyes wider than Ray’s the time he tried weed, mouth wider open than the time I accidentally sucked off the captain of the football team at last years school Christmas party.
Words cannot express how much I actually want to kill my stepsister right now. I mean, seriously, how much more of a bitch can she become?! She’s dating the most gorgeous, perfect guy in existence and she doesn’t even like him- the only reason she’s with him is because she wants to look good and she wants to get revenge.
I swear, that girl is descended from Satan himself.
By the time I’m lounging on my bed in my skeleton pyjamas late the same evening, The Misfits on full blast, I still can’t shake the conversation out of my head.
Jamie’s CHEATING on Frank?!
Jamie’s CHEATING on Frank?!
Fuck, she needs brain surgery.
A sudden little ‘PING!’ interrupts my thoughts and I look down at the screen of my laptop.
AllHailTheMightyFro21: sup Geefreak xP
I sigh. Ray. Maybe he’ll have some wisdom stored in that fro of his I could borrow…
AllHailTheMightyFro21: manage not to kill Jamie’s boyfriend this afternoon? xD
MisfitsMoron13: yes, actually.
AllHailTheMightyFro21: oh. my. God. faints
MisfitsMoron13: must be the weight of all that puffy stuff attached to your head you call hair…
AllHailTheMightyFro21: it IS hair!
MisfitsMoron13: whatever you say, cat snogger…:P
AllHailTheMightyFro21: I was joking about that, okay?! and don’t you dare tell Mikey or he’ll have a fit!
MisfitsMoron13: mwhahahahah xD
AllHailTheMightyFro21: oh, speaking of your younger brother having fits, he called me up earlier…
My heart goes cold. Fuck that evil skinny little kid and his straightners.
MisfitsMoron13: what did he say??
MisfitsMoron13: tell me, puffhead. Or I will tell Mikey that you are sexually attracted to your cat.
AllHailTheMightyFro21: okay, okay…he may have mentioned something about you melting your hand with some boiling water because Frank called you cute or something :L
AllHailTheMightyFro21: it’s true?! Oh my god, this is hilarious!
MisfitsMoron13: shut up. You snog cats. And he called me awesome, not cute- get it right.
AllHailTheMightyFro21: he thinks you’re cute too though…xD
All my little brain cells leap hopefully, heart jumping.
MisiftsMoron13: no he doesn’t. listen, Ray, I’m really in the shit…I need your help.
AllHailTheMightyFro21: I told you before, I don’t give away my wisdom to people who call me puff head.
MisfitsMoron13: seriously, Ray!
AllHailTheMightyFro21: okay, okay GeeFreak…tell me what happened.
MisfitsMoron13: okay, well after Frank bandaged up my burnt hand, we went upstairs to my room cause he wanted to read my lyrics, and-
AllHailTheMightyFro21: does this story contain any stuff that’s gunna scar me for life?
MisfitsMoron13: no, just me.
AllHailTheMightyFro21: okay, carry on.
MisfitsMoron13: well, after he read them, he came over and stood like, really close to me and told me that he thinks I’m awesome-
AllHailTheMightyFro21: and you didn’t burn off your hand this time?
MisfitsMoron13: no. shut up, Toro. And then he was saying all this nice stuff like the fact he thinks the way I just about kill one of us each time I see him is kinda cute, and then-
AllHailTheMightyFro21: hahahahahaha, he’s insane!
MisfitsMoron13: I know, he’s dating Jamie.
AllHailTheMightyFro21: she’s not that bad.
MisfitsMoron13: WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE?!
AllHailTheMightyFro21: jeez, calm it!
MisfitsMoron13: look, just shut up- I’m trying to tell you a story and you keep interrupting me!
AllHailTheMightyFro21: okay, sorry- carry on?
MisfitsMoron13: well he said all that stuff and then he like, nudged my nose with his nose-
AllHailTheMightyFro21: Gee, are you deliberately trying to sound like a pathetic twelve year old girl with her first crush?
MisfitsMoron13: STOP INTERRUPTING ME OR I WILL KILL YOUR CAT AND THEN YOU’LL HAVE NO ONE TO SNOG, OKAY?!
AllHailTheMightyFro21: sorry, sorry…continue?
MisfitsMoron13: and then he like, tucked my hair behind my ear, and then my bedroom door banged open and guess who fucking walked in?!
AllHailTheMightyFro21: A moose?
MisfitsMoron13: Jamie!! D:
AllHailTheMightyFro21: ooh shizzle…wow, I’m surprised you’re still alive, dude! No wonder she was in such a bad mood when I first bumped into her at the ice cream van :L
MisfitsMoron13: she nearly did kill me…I really, really thought Frank and I were gunna die :L
AllHailTheMightyFro21: wait…it sounds like Frank was flirting with you!
My heart just about stops and I’m pretty sure I die there and then.
MisfitsMoron13: no fucking way, don’t be stupid, puff head.
AllHailTheMightyFro21: I’m not, for once- it really sounds like it, Gee!
MisfitsMoron13: don’t get my hopes up like that…I can’t see any reason why he’d flirt with me.
AllHailTheMightyFro21: neither can I, to be honest, but it really sounds like he did.
MisfitsMoron13: oh jeez, I’d forgotten- he asked me to dye his hair for him!! D: D:
AllHailTheMightyFro21: HAHAHAHAHAHA, he’s gunna die! xD
MisfitsMoron13: thanks for the support, puff head. >:(
AllHailTheMightyFro21: you’re welcome :D
MisfitsMoron13: fuck, Ray, he’s so fucking HOT!
AllHailTheMightyFro21: shut up before I puke.
I jump and look up from the computer screen at the sound of a car revving up the drive. Oh fantastic. It must be the daughter of Satan back from her date.
I’m about to type a reply when I hear voices drifting up from the drive and through my open window. Frank’s voice.
Controlled once more by my pathetic, Frank-deluded little brain cells, I cross my room and peek out the window into the golden glow of the sun sinking low in the August sky, streaking it with pretty pinks and purples.
Jamie and Frank are standing by the door, chatting. Frank looks even more insanely gorgeous than earlier, this time in a sleeveless black ‘I love zombies’ t-shirt, deep purple Doc Martens and his big black sunglasses, red and black hair swept gently across his face from the balmy breeze. Jamie, on the other hand, looks like a slut.
But then again, that’s what she is.
Jamie’s not looking too happy, wearing a scowl that could turn milk sour, but she finally nods after Frank’s stopped speaking and scoops her keys out of the pocket, unlocking the front door and going inside, Frank on her heels.
Footsteps in the hall…the sound of Doc Martens clumping up the stairs…towards my room…closer…closer…
Then they stop, and there’s a casual knock on my door, making me jump out of my skin and just about making my heart stop there and then.
I wish Jamie wore Doc Martens, but sadly, there’s only one person I know other than myself that wears them.
My deluded little brain cells are going to be very, very happy.
There we go…hope you liked it and thanks for reading- you guys are the best readers ever! The more reviews I get, the sooner I’ll update :D ...pretty pretty please rate and review to tell me what you thought, as it was really difficult and took a lot of effort to get this up…LOVE YOU GUYS!!