"I missed you too Frank."
“I drew it cause I hate this shit hole,” I answer telling the complete truth. I don’t see a need to lie.
“Why is that?”
“My room mate cries all night, the beds have straps; the food here is shitty, it’s fucking cold and Goddammit I miss Frank,” I reply getting very animated, using my hands as I talk.
“Frank is a very good friend. Does he know you love him?”
I nod, “I told him before all this happened but then we fought so I don’t know if he believes it anymore. I also don’t think he love me back…well at least not the way I love him.”
“He kissed you in the hall before he left,” she says raising an eyebrow.
“Frank and I are very compulsive. When he sees I need something he gives me it,” I answer. “Can I have scissors?”
“No sweetie,” the therapist answers quickly. “Why did he feel you needed to be kissed?”
“Cause I wasn’t going to see him. I wanted it incase you’re wondering,” I answer as if it’s obvious.
“I wasn’t exactly,” the therapist says flipping page after page seeing Frank’s face staring up at her.
These are real pictures. I miss him so damn much. The first thing I’ll do when I get home is hug him. Well I might eat some cereal then hug him…whichever I feel like. I’ve decided being impulsive is better for me than thinking everything through. I feel better when I don’t think about things too much.
“Are you sure I can’t have scissors, not even safety ones?” I ask. “I just want to make some things to hang up in my room.”
The therapist signs giving me a pair of pink handled scissors that have a rounded tip along with a few sheets of printer paper, the scissors don’t cut too well but at least I can use them. For a long while I cut different shapes in the paper, creating different kinds of paper snowflakes.
“They’re individual,” I respond.
She nods, “You like things that aren’t exactly the same.”
“Yeah, is it cold outside yet?”
“A few of the leaves are starting to change,” the therapist answer.
I nod. Fall always comes quickly in Belleville. Just a quickly as it comes it is chased out by the chilly winds of winter. I wonder if Frank will take me to winter formal. I’d like to go but I don’t know if I’ll be allowed to.
“Do you think they’d let me go to school sooner than planned?” I ask as I cut.
“If you felt you were ready, but I’m not sure,” she answers as I finish up. In all I have about ten snowflakes. I’ll hang them up when I get home.
I just nod.
“I’m not really supposed to tell you this but Frank called. He said he loves and misses you very much.”
I start to cry, not the sobbing like before but tears of happiness. I miss Frank. Living without him is like living without half my heart. I don’t like it too much.
Tuesday is not a good day. Having an attack of some kind my room mate throws up everything she eats. It smells worse than before and we’re both required to stay in our room. I spend most of the time drawing. There is a rabbit, my cat, a girl throwing up, and a piano.
I miss playing and singing. Perhaps I’ll start up again once I’m home. Frank would like that. I think everyone would like that. I’ve realized that over the days I’ve been here that things have gotten better. I don’t blame things on myself anymore. I feel healed.
Around two thirty I am saved by my therapist. The bulimic girl is taken to a special room and no one replaces her. I’m happy about this. For thirty minutes after lunch I spray the room with air freshener. It coats the smell but doesn’t really take it out. I figure the cleaning crew will do a better job.
I have one more group session I have to go to. This one sucks just as much as the first one. People still look at me with sad eyes and talk to me like I’m two. The only good thing that comes out of it is that I figure out what makes me angry. I have to watch for these sighs.
Devlin makes me angry.
On Wednesday I am checked out by my mother and Aunt Donna at noon and driven home. I’m a little upset that Frank didn’t come along but I figure he probably had school. It’s still upsetting though. I want to see him so badly.
Aunt Donna insists I go around the front to get in. At first I think this is because of the news van but then I see him. Frank. He’s sitting on the front steps with his guitar, bright red Converse on. I laugh, a few tears rolling down my face. As much as I want to run up and hug him I stay rooted to the spot wondering what he’s about to do.
“This is the first day of my life. I swear I was born right in this doorway. I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed. They’re spreading blankets on the beach. Yours is the first face I saw. I think I was blind before I met you. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know where I’ve been but I know where I want to go. And so I though I’d let you know, that these things take for ever. I especially am slow but I realize who I need you and I wonder if I could come home. I remember the time you drove all night, just to meet me in the morning. And I though it was strange you said everything changed. You felt as if you’d just woke up and you said; ‘This is the first day of my life. I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you but now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you and probably be happy.’ So if you want to be with me, with these things there’s not telling. We'll just have to wait and see but I’d rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery. Besides maybe this time its different. I mean I really think you like me.”
I laugh and cry and reach for Frank. He hugs me as it starts to rain. We laugh together as he picks me up, spinning me around.
“I missed you Ambo,” Frank says kissing my nose.
“I missed you too Frank. I missed you too.”
Note: Song is First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes. This is by far my favorite chapter I've ever written. No, things wont't be sunshine and butterflies from here on out but at least for right now things will be good. I probably won't update anymore tonight because my mom's being bitchy and the X Factor is on. Remember to leave songs. :)