"It's killing me to be away from you but this is what's best...for both of us."
At ten I hear the walkie connect.
“Frankie?” Amber asks
I don’t answer. I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Hearing her sniff I close my eyes. I’ve never hated myself more.
“I’m lost without you,” she whispers.
Her words make me realize that maybe she is a lot more torn up about this that I originally thought. I pick up the walkie.
“Amber,” I start. “Things are going to be okay.”
“I don’t know how to live without you.”
“You won’t have to. Just give me… some time. I’ll explain everything.”
“Do you still love me?”
The fact she would worry about something like that crushes me. I hurt her badly. I’m such an asshole. I should have made up some bullshit story about having plans or something.
“I’ll always love you.”
“What did Gerard and Mikey say to you?”
“I can’t tell you. Just… try not to worry. I can’t live with myself if I make you worry.”
“I spent all day worrying about you.”
I frown, “Me too.”
“Come to me… please?”
I sigh, surprised by my amazing willpower, “I can’t…Amber, not yet.”
“I need you,” she sobs.
I hit my head on the wall over and over again. This is so much harder than I though it would be. Being away from her is killing me.
“It’s killing me to be away from you but this is what’s best…for both of us.”
Amber is quiet for a moment as she gets her sniffles under control, “You’re a prick too.”
“Amber please just don’t give up on me.”
She doesn’t say anything for a long while so I figure she is being childish and giving me the silent treatment, “Frank Iero?”
“There’s something you need to know.”
“Don’t say it, Ambo,” I beg.
“You don’t know what I’m going to say.”
“I have a good feeling about what you’re going to say and I don’t think you should.”
She sighs heavily, taking a deep, shaky breath, “Why are you doing this to me?”
“God… fucking damn it,” I flop back on my bed.
“Amber, don’t beat yourself up. Please? For the love of God, please? I want to tell you. I just can’t. I can’t do it. I need you to wait. You have to be strong for me, please?”
“You’re my security blanket.”
“I know. After this…I’ll never let you get cold again, but you’re going to have to be chilly for a little while. I have some things I need to do. When they’re done I’ll be yours again.”
“How long are you going to take, Frank?”
“I’m hoping I’ll be back by tomorrow night. It just depends on how things play out. Give me a chance, Amber. I know what I’m doing.”
“I don’t want you to hurt me again.”
“I’ll never hurt you again. I promise. Just trust me.”
“If I lose you I’ll kill them.”
I laugh softly, “You’re not losing me…you’ll never loose me.”
“Then they can live… for now.”
“Get some sleep, baby.”
From my end of the walkie I can hear her breath hitch, almost picturing the way she much be smiling as tears stream down her beautiful face. If I was there I’d wipe the salty tears away and kiss her forehead.
“I’m cold and lonely.”
“Cuddle your turtle and pretend I’m there with you. I’m pulling your hair behind your ear and kissing your forehead. Can you smell me?”
“A little…you left your hoddie here.”
I’m glad she’s putting my clothes to good use. I’ll have to get that hoddie back form her though. The weather is starting to get colder and that’s the warmest jacket I have.
“I’m with you. I’m always with you. I’m kissing your cheek and now I’m going to sing you to sleep.”
“Lie down,” I pause for a moment. “And if I could swim…I’d swim out to you in the ocean, swim out to where you were floating in the dark. And if I was blessed, I’d walk on the water, you’re breathing, lend you some air for that heaving, sunken chest. Cause they chose you as the model, for their empty little dreams. With your new head, and your legs spread, like a filthy magazine. And they hunt you, and they gut you and you give in. And if I was brave, I’d climb up to you on the mountain. They let you to drink for their fountain, spouting lies. And I’d slay that horrible beast they commissioned, to steer me away from my mission to your eyes. And I’d stand there, like a soldier, with my foot upon his chest, with my grin spread and my arms out in my bloodstained Sunday’s best. And you’d hold me; I’d remind you who you are, under their shelf…. I’d walk through hell for you. Let it burn right through my shoes, these soles are useless without you. Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue, my soul is useless without you. And if they send a whirlwind I’d hug it, like a harmless little tree. Or an earthquake, I’d claim it and I’d bring you back to me. And I’d hold you in my weak arms like a first born. I’d walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes, these soles are useless without you. Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue, my soul is useless without you. Now I’ve walked through hell for you. What’s an adventurer to do but rest these feet at home with you?”
“That’s a weird song but it’s sweet in a way,” Amber whispers.
I laugh, “I love you Ambo, get some sleep.”
Note: Song = A Walk Through Hell by Say Anything. Amber song hint...the song she is singing is off the Album Brand New Eyes. Hoped you liked this chapter :)