Gerard explains his actions to Eliza...
Song: Never Take It Off – Automatic LoveLetter
You’ll Never Know
The silence surrounding us was deafening.
My eyes were still closed. I didn’t want to open them, I didn’t want to see the terrible scene in front of me which I could envisage in my mind’s eye; Gerard’s pale hand clasped around my equally white wrist, his eyes wide and bulging as he stares down at the grouse sight of my slit skin, his small mouth slightly open and twisted in shock. His black hair covers his face as he takes in the repulsion in front of him.
“Look at me.”
His voice sounded strange to how I expected it to be when he finally spoke. Instead of an accusatory toned voice filled with disgust and horror I heard something else. There was horror, yes, but also concern, sympathy, and understanding.
Understanding. He couldn’t understand though, no one could unless they knew what I was going through.
“Eliza?” His voice quivered as if he were trying to hold back tears. “Eliza, look at me.” I flinched as I suddenly felt warm fingers trace over my closed eye lids and gently pry them open, revealing my fragile green eyes. To my surprise they didn’t feel damp with tears and I didn’t even feel the urge to cry.
I felt numb.
Numb and scared with shock. Gerard however was a trembling mess. His almost black eyes were like water balloons fit to burst and his soft lips were shaking.
I stared at him with a vacant expression, and then slowly let my stare travel down to my arm which still lay in possession of Gerard’s hold.
“Why did you do this?” He finally whispered gazing back down at the many gashes up and down my arm and across my wrist.
I didn’t reply. I couldn’t reply. I had no idea of how I could let Gerard know the reason of why I had hurt myself.
“Hey.” He let my wrist go and cupped my face in his large hands, making me stare direct into his glass like irises.
“You need to tell me. If you don’t I won’t be able to help you.”
“You want to help me?” I said, almost asked quietly. “You can’t help me.”
Gerard continued to hold my stare as pearly tear drops began to fall down his face. “What do you mean?” His voice began to brake and I knew that I was staring to hurt him even more with my words.
“I’m sorry.” I moved his hands away from my face and looked away from him to the bed cover lying beneath us.
“No, don’t you do that to me.” Gerard’s voice had grown stern and strong. He took my chin and pulled my face up to his again. “I understand-“
“No you don’t.” I stated, my own voice becoming fierce and louder. “You have no idea how shit I’ve been feeling, no idea what I’ve been through. You don’t know what it’s like to feel as if you have absolutely no one Gerard. In England everyone rejected me and I had nobody. Before I left Belleville you promised me you’d always be there when I needed you no matter what happened, but guess what? You weren’t. You really want to know why I’ve been hurting myself? Because I felt so, so alone and that feeling has never left me. You weren’t there Gerard. You weren’t there when I needed you the most in my whole life. You just shut me out, no texts, no phone calls, no emails not anything. I thought you had forgotten me or something and that fucking destroyed me. Now do you understand?”
I was breathing heavily and hard, my face was burning from my rant and I could feel tears of both anger and sadness swelling up from behind my eyes.
Gerard’s face was blank. He suddenly looked as shocked and as numb as I had been feeling. He didn’t seem unhappy by what I had just told him and neither did he seem surprised. His orbs were glazed over with emotions that I could not read and his mouth was held in a limp position.
“I’m sorry.” I could scarcely hear him because his voice was so distant alike to his gaze, which was fixed on something behind me, like he was talking to someone else.
“I’m so sorry Eliza.” I sighed and smeared the tears away from my eyes, immediately feeling bad. “No, I’m sorry Gee. I shouldn’t have gotten angry like that.” I looked at Gerard as he still held the plain expression on his face. I had never seen him like that; I had never seen him appear so lost and unreadable. To be honest it was slightly scary. I opened my mouth and quickly shut it again. I still hadn’t had the question I came to ask answered, but now I wasn’t sure of how to ask it again, or if to ask it all.
“Gee?” I began. “Gerard, could you please answer my question?” He finally bought his eyes back to me and looked on expectantly, yet he still seemed vacant. “W-where, why did you, well…” I bit my lip as my sentence failed, before opening my mouth to try and repeat the question once again.
“Where were you when I needed you? Why haven’t you spoken to me for over a year? That’s the question I wanted to ask you.” Gerard didn’t respond. He looked worried, and like he was trying to figure out how to answer me. At least he was now showing some kind of emotion.
“Gerard?” I prompted after a couple of moments of watching him ponder. “The only reason I think of why you practically removed me from your life is that you had forgotten about me, you lost interest or you just didn’t care about me or something… something horrible like that. Can you prove me wrong?”
Gerard’s orbs were no longer glazed, they grew wide and deep again, yet how he was feeling still remained unknown to me.
“I-I told you.” He said under his breath, his lips twitching slightly in the process of speaking, as if he was anxious of what he was about to tell me.
“Before you left.” I could now even hear the nervousness in his words as his voice trembled from his mouth, setting me on edge. “Before you left for England Eliza, we sat here, right here on my bed, and I, I held you as you cried. I could have held you like that forever, you know?” A faint smile briefly fluttered across his lips before vanishing as fast as it had appeared.
“Then, I kissed you. I told you then. I told you that-“
“You loved me.” I finished for him, the events of that moment spilling into and overlapping my memory. Of how I rested my forehead upon his and told him I loved him also, as a friend.
"I remember that.” I said. “But that doesn’t explaining anything to me.”
“Eliza, I told you I loved you, because it was true. It still is true.”
I smiled to myself at this, a small smile which only I could tell was there. I then looked back at Gerard in confusion.
“I have been so selfish.” He continued. “But, I thought that I was never gonna’ see you again, babe. I thought that you were never coming back to me, and it hurt so much to believe that. So I guess that to be selfish and to behave like I did was the only way to get over the fact that we weren’t going to be together again. It was the only way for me to…”
He paused as his eyes stayed transfixed with mine.
“It was the only way for me to get over you. I didn’t even stop to think how that would have affected you Eliza. You don’t know how shitty I feel for what I did. I’m really so sorry” I stared at Gerard as I took in what he had just told me. “Get over me?” I said at last. “What do you mean? You were my best friend too Gerard, I loved you just as much as you loved me and-“
“No, you didn’t.” Gerard interrupted. “You don’t understand Eliza.” I narrowed my eyes at him, unable to tell what he meant. “Go on then. Explain to me what you mean.”
I watched Gerard’s face as his expression softened slightly, and he held my face within his hands again which forced me to stare nowhere other than into his eyes. The situation all seemed too familiar to me, it reminded me of when I told Gerard that I was leaving and then when he held me so close to him that could hear his heartbeat. For what seemed like the hundredth time I began to cry quietly.
“Eliza, when I told you I loved you, I don’t think you got what I really meant.” He wiped the warm shards of tears away from my cheek bones with his thumbs.
“Gerard, I know-“ He cut me off. “I found it so, so difficult to believe that you had gone from my life for good because…” His eyes stayed connected with mine as if our gazes were glued together.
“I’m in love with you.”
If I gave you my heart to wear upon your arm, would you lend me all your scars to bear? I swear I'm here. And never take it off, never take it off, 'cause we're all tied up in knots.
Sorry that was pretty short, and I was really stuck for ideas on this one, hope it’s okay!