Does Eliza find herself in love with Gerard?
Song: Lullabies - All Time Low
Plug My Eyes To Cry
“I love you, Eliza.”
The sensation running through my body made me feel dizzy. It made me feel sick and adrenaline filled, yet it caused fireworks to explode inside of my stomach which made my head spin. I closed my eyes, trying to make sense if it.
He loved me.
He loved me. It was all beginning to make some sort of sense now. Gerard had excluded me from his life because it was his way of getting over me.
“Y-you love me?” I stuttered as his hands fell away from my face to rest awkwardly in his lap. “Yea, I do.”
I continued to stare at Gerard as he chewed on his lip anxiously. “I’ve loved you for so long.” He whispered.
I shook my head and blinked my eyes, unable to believe what I was hearing. “I had no idea.” I now felt guilty for thinking up all of the horrid presumptions about Gerard and for lashing out at him so angrily, when all the while he had been in love with me.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You could tell me how you feel?” The truth was I had no idea how I felt. Given the situation I didn’t know what to feel. “I-I don’t know.” If it was possible, Gerard’s face fell even more. “Alright.”
“No Gee, this is a shock.” I said hastily. I heard Gerard sigh and look up at me. “How much have you done?” At first I was confused as my mind had been distracted by the current, until I saw Gerard’s eyes divert to my still exposed wrist. “Oh.” I didn’t want to tell him about or show him the rest of my cuts, not only because most of them were on parts of my body I wished not to show to Gerard, but also because the cuts made me feel dirty and foul. “I don’t really want to show.” I whispered as I hung my head.
“Could you at least tell me?” He asked just as quietly. I didn’t answer.
“I know I haven’t been around for you, but I want you know you can still trust me, I wanna’ help you.” He pressed.
“You’re gonna’ think I’m disgusting.”
“Believe me, I won’t.” I looked back up to Gerard and I knew that I could trust him. He hadn’t changed inside. Deep down he was still the young boy who was my best friend. I had been so stupid to doubt that and stupid to believe that he had hurt me deliberately. I slowly took his hand in mine and guided his palm across the areas of my skin which I had slit.
“Here.” I said quietly, leading his touch over my clothed stomach. “And here.” I let his hand move over the tops of my thighs. “They’re covered.” I knew that what I was telling Gerard caused him pain as I watched his features wince and brake, but he had wanted to know.
“Shit Eliza.” He removed his hand from my leg and ran it through his tangled hair. “I’m sorry Gerard.”
“No, don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault, I understand.” I shook my head. “No you don’t, Gee. It doesn’t matter how you feel, how much you cry or how much you hurt inside, you don’t know how it feels to be as fucked up as me and… and rip yourself up with a knife.” Gerard sighed.
“Maybe not exactly.” He said. “But I can probably take a good guess.”
“Really?” Gerard’s face tensed. “I know how it feels to be unhappy with yourself. I wanted to feel pain when you weren’t here because I thought it might have replaced how sad I felt because I missed you. I just never had the guts to…” His eyebrows pulled together as he looked away from me shyly.
“I never had the guts to hurt myself.”
“Don’t say that like it’s a bad thing.” I said, almost shocked. “Perhaps it’s because you’re stronger than me, I wish I could have been stronger. Then I could have saved myself from all of this.”
Gerard took a steadying breath. “I need you to promise me that whenever you feel sad, angry or whatever, that you’ll come to me instead of… instead of doing anything else.” I hadn’t recently found the time to cut. At first, I didn't feel the need to. I had some what broken the routine of hurting myself when I moved back to Belleville, but then the sadness started to kick back in. Even though mother spent a lot of time away from home with Gregg, I felt too tired with my emotions to allow myself pain and the satisfaction to bleed. I sort fell into a state of nothingness when I was alone. There had been nothing to push me over the edge to make me abuse myself, or maybe I had been lost in my own depression. Still, I found myself unable to say or do anything but promise to Gerard, which I did willingly. For the first time in a long while I felt genuinely cared for. Before I could restrain, I flung myself at him, a little too enthusiastically, my upper limbs wrapped tightly around his neck and soon after I felt his arms secure around my waist. I sobbed heavily into Gerard’s neck, soaking his hoodie as he rested his forehead on my shoulder and rocked me back and forth, which I guessed was a way of trying to comfort me. Before long my tears subsided leaving my face blotchy and my orbs dense and red. In despite of this, I let Gerard pry me away from the shelter of his neck so he could look at me.
“Eliza?” I lifted my eyes, but as I did so I found our faces were incredibly close, so close that I could feel the heat of Gerard’s sweet breath fan onto my lips, close enough to kiss.
Before I knew it, one of us had closed the small space between us.
I didn’t know who kissed who as it happened so fast, but all I knew is that our lips were pushed together, tongues entwined, warm and wet.
My first reaction would be to pull away, but I didn’t. It felt right. I was kissing my best friend, and it felt good. There was something about the way he kissed me that made feel so wanted for just being me, not for my body or the way I looked. He made me feel beautiful, but at the same time secure and safe, something someone like Alex would never be able to make me feel.
At first the kiss was gentle, our mouths lingering together in a hesitant fashion, but it soon became more heated. I moaned into our passionate embrace, and I then felt Gerard’s lips curve upwards as his grip around my waist tightened, moving his cool fingertips underneath my sweater and over the soft curves of my sides.
At this I pulled away quickly. “I’m sorry.” I gasped, my breathing uneven and rapid from the lack of air my lungs had received. My pulse was beating in my ears. I put one hand over my heart and felt it clap oppressively against my chest.
“You okay?” I relaxed a little in Gerard’s arms and rested my head against his chest. I could feel that his heart was beating heavily too. “I’m okay.” I murmured. “I just wasn’t-“
“I guess.” I looked up and smiled weakly. “What happened?”
“Well, I think we kissed.” Gerard replied, a bit smug.
“Shut up.” I rolled my eyes nudged him playfully. It suddenly felt like we were fithteen again, laughing and messing around with each other. “I mean, why? Why did it happen?” Gerard’s eyes turned sincere. “Because… maybe it was meant to happen.” I looked down and let my hair curtain my my face.
We sat in our own quietness. All I could hear was Gerard’s steady breathing and the thud of his heart against me. I enjoyed his company and just being near to him. His presence, how he smelt, the way he held me and stroked my hair.
But most of all I thought about the kiss and what Gerard had said; maybe it was supposed to happen, maybe it wasn’t.
“Are you going home?”
“Hmm?” I opened my eyes and blinked, realizing that I must have fallen asleep. Gerard was sprawled across his bed, and I was lying clumsily on top of him. I felt my cheeks blush and hurriedly sat up to look over at the clock sitting on the desk, and saw that it read half past four in the morning.
“Is there any point in me going home?”
“Probably not.” Gerard mumbled. His eyes were closed and he looked as if he could have been asleep. I smiled at the sight of him, and lay back down on the small bed.
“Do you want me to go home?”
I watched his mouth flicker into a small grin as he half opened his eyes. “Good.” I said. “Because I don’t want me to go home either.”
I settled myself into a relitivley comfortable position beside Gerard and closed my eyes. I felt his weight leave the mattress, but I had become so tired my eyelids felt cemented together.
For the brief moment, I wondered where Gerard was going, until I heard his silky voice whisper into my ear. “I’m going to sleep on my couch Eliza.”
“Why?” I whined, still unable to open my eyes.
I knew Gerard’s sofa was only in his bedroom, but I didn’t want him to leave me at all. Gerard didn’t answer.
Instead he pulled his balmy duvet over me and tucked the corners under my shoulders and neck. I smiled to myself and pushed my face into the duvet, letting its heat over take me and slowly lull me into a state of lethargy.
I was half way asleep when Gerard called up to me, his tone was quiet, yet it seemed to ring out like an angel’s song through the silence of his room.
“Are you awake?” I didn’t reply.
“Babe?” I still couldn’t find the energy to speak back to him. I wasn’t sure if Gerard knew if I was sleeping or not, none the less he carried on talking as if we were having convocation.
“You probably think that everything I’ve told you tonight was just a load of crap, huh?” Even if I did have the physical drive to open my mouth and talk, I wouldn’t have. I wanted to hear what Gerard had to say to me. “But it wasn’t. I meant every word of it. I’m in love with you, and, I guess it’s alright if you don’t feel the same way, I just wanted you to know.” I swallowed and tried to dislodge the lump which had reappeared yet again at the back of my throat.
“I also want you to know that I care about you, a lot. And I’m so sorry for the way I made you feel.” The feeling of guilt began to absorb me. Of how I just turned up at his house and announced to him that he had been more or less the reason of my self-abuse. It made my head blow and my insides squirm. Still, I didn’t say a word.
And with that he said no more. The room became silent again. I couldn’t hear anything apart from my shaken breath echo throughout my lungs. Oh why couldn’t I just find the courage to really allow Gerard access to my thoughts and feelings, it would be so much more easier that way. I had been once able to tell people like Kathleen exactly how I felt about them, so why couldn’t I tell someone who I was close to. I figured it might have been useful to know how I really felt, but, of course, my brain never seemed to know what it wanted, and always had an irritating way of disagreeing with my heart.
I had feelings for Gerard. That was simple. But I wasn’t sure of what these feelings were, or what they meant.
I didn’t want this to be another night where I would cry myself to sleep, but I feared, and I knew, that it would be.
Sing me to sleep, I’ll see you in my dreams. Waiting to say ‘I miss you, I’m so sorry.'