"Ouch." Read, review, rate and feel my love! :P
“What the hell are you going on about? I never beat him either; he’s my little brother!”
Gerard’s fierce roar of unadulterated disgust at what I’ve just presented to him makes my mind race, my pulse stop and my lungs spontaneously combust; what on this God-forsaken rock have I done?
Yeah, sure, Gerard needed to be put in his place for saying those things. Things which he knew full well are what drove his baby brother to this hospital bed, things that should never have been said, things that have made Mikey just dissolve into the cyanide of his wounded soul’s blood. Gerard, although obviously guilty to the point of wincing with each movement made, needed to be taught that he can’t just treat that poor, lost and broken kid like shit every time things don’t go his way. He needed to be taught a lesson, not just for Mikey’s benefit but for his own too; he loves his little brother, a blind man would be able to see that, he just doesn’t understand enough about his brother’s somewhat dilapidated mental and emotional state to know that his words are twice as slicing as any blade, a million times as brutal as any punch, a billion times as destructive as any speeding bus.
But I didn’t just teach him a lesson with my harsh bark of spite fuelled by my need to protect Mikes; no, I betrayed Mikey’s trust too. I told the kid that I would let him tell his big brother himself, he trusted me to keep his most feared and well-hidden secret. And I just betrayed that trust.
Just like Gerard.
What should I do?
Should I just make Gerard leave and call him after the two Ways have had a chance to calm down? No, they need to sort this out now or they’ll lose each other forever; I can’t let that happen. I swore to myself that I’d help them and, after all that I’ve done to them, it’s the very least I can do.
Besides, this is my only hope of getting Gerard back.
Wait. Do I even want him back; do I really want to be with someone who can treat his crying, suicidal little brother in the way that he just has?
No. I don’t. I want to be with Gee. Not Gerard. Gee. The kind, benevolent person that I know he is beneath what years of struggling and pressure have mutated his outside to be. Inside he’s still my perfect, sexy demon-angel; it’s just that he can’t cope with pressure. Can’t cope with disappointment. Can’t cope with failing. Can’t cope with blame. Can’t cope with everything that he needs to be able to cope with for Mikey’s sake. I can understand why he can’t; he’s taught himself so rigorously that Mikey needs all of these false ideals that he just can’t deal with letting down the person that he knows he must protect and guide through life.
I understand why but that doesn’t change the fact that he should be able to. I wish it did though. That’s partly why I want to be back with him; so I can help look after Mikes and remove some of the deadly weight from his shuddering shoulders.
Should I just leave now and let them sort it out between them?
No. That’s an insane idea; leaving a sobbing, petrified Mikey with a confused and angry Gerard would not end well right now. Gerard will just end up shouting in his frustration and Mikes just won’t talk at all; they’ll only push each other further away from their goals. I have to be here, have to make sure that this is sorted out in it’s painful entirety right now. This has dragged on too long for Mikey; he needs to not live in constant fear for a change.
And Gerard has the right to know, has the right to regain the memories of long-forgotten nights in which he beat a poor, innocent kid.
As in ‘my neighbour beats his wife’, as in ‘So-and-So beats their son’, as in ‘beating a child is a form of child abuse’.
I guess Mikey is technically an abused child, in every possible way. I wonder what social services would do if they knew Gerard yells at Mikes like I’ve seen him do, if they knew what Gerard used to do to him whilst intoxicated; would they take Mikey away from his big brother?
Of course they would.
Which is why it is imperative that this is sorted out now, between the two of them, rather than months down the line when social services start to wonder why a kid tried to kill himself. Rather than years down the line when Mikey resents his brother and is permanently scarred by this, scarred even more than he is now. Scarred by not only the kids at school’s fierce scratches and Gerard’s thoughtless nips, but by my harsh shove to the spikes of lonely hopelessness.
I have to sort out my relationships with the Way brothers right now as much as they need to sort out their relationship with one another. I need to assure Mikes that I’ll always be his friend, that I’ll never hurt him like that again, that we’ll always be best friends if he wants to be.
Best friends but nothing more.
Because, if this has taught me anything, I’m in love with Gerard. He may be an absolute dickhead (understatement) at times, but underneath that he is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. Mikey is too, but I just feel like we’ll do better as best friends; that I’ll be able to help him more as a friend and he’ll trust me more as a friend.
That’s if his longing for friends hasn’t been completely evaporated by hate’s burning rays that have been scalding us all since this whole shouting match started.
I should tell Gerard, I need to tell Gerard what he used to do to Mikey; the real reason behind Mikey’s desertion of trust. Mikey needs me to tell Gerard too, the poor kid is currently too frightened to stop shaking in the scratchy hospital blankets and his bloody facial dressings are getting all soggy with his tears.
This is ending today.
“Gerard, I need to tell you something; something extremely important.” My voice is surprisingly calm, kind of like the voice of a trainer ordering a ferociously unpredictable tiger to walk on his hind legs, and I find myself sitting back down on the chair that Gee and I were sharing just fifteen minutes ago. I sit down and stroke Mikey’s hair out of his face, giving him an apologetic gaze when my eyes find his heartbreakingly over-panicked ones.
“I don’t think there’s anything you can say to me ri-“
“Cut it, Gerard; I’ve had enough of your, quite frankly, childish behaviour!” He stops at my stern bark and just gawps, shocked by what exhaustion and love can do to me when dealt out in the correct measures. “Sit down, shut the fuck up and listen for once in your life! If not for me, for yourself and for Mikey.”
He looks to his quivering baby brother and his icy eyes melt into gushing rivers of remorse. He lowers himself into the chair next to my own, eyes lowered to the floor in shame. I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy; he really does just want what’s best for his brother, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to get it and when he doesn’t achieve the impossible he just can’t cope with letting down the bedraggled kid.
I reach my free hand for one of his, wanting to reassure him with a gentle squeeze, but he snatches it away.
Really, just; fucking ouch.
I need to get back into his heart, into the place where he’ll fully accept me and my help. I need to get back to the place where he loves me as much as I love him, as much as Mikey thinks he loves me.
That’s another reason why I can’t give my heart to the younger Way; he doesn’t love me. He may think that he does, but, trust me, he doesn’t. Not really. It’s just that I’m the first person to show him any sort of kindness in a very long time; it’s not surprising that he thinks he loves me. But he’s just a hurt, scared kid. He doesn’t know what love is, not in his current state anyway. Gerard knows, he just has trouble showing it at the moment.
“This had better be good, Iero.”
“You wanna tell him, Mikey?”
We both look to the bedridden ghost of a boy, ears eager to hear his response.
We hear nothing, just the ruffle of his hospital gown as he shakes his head. His eyes well up once more and he tries to shuffle away, shame staining his face like the blood on his numerous dressings.
“Hey, it’s okay, Mikey. You haven’t done anything wrong.” He won’t believe me; I know he won’t, not after what Gerard’s done. Gerard. This is a huge risk, but it’s the best thing I can think to do for the both of them right now. “Right, Gerard?”
His eyes flash-flood with fury.
My heart stops.
His eyes lightening-strike with hurt.
My lungs constrict.
His eyes ignite with a sudden rush of love for the quaking boy too scared to even stutter.
My heart restarts, hope pumping around my veins like speeding bullets.
His eyes drown themselves in a longing to make amends for what he’s done to his burning world.
My lungs relax, a breath of both relief and sorrow fleeing from them.
“Mikey, I love you, bro, okay? I just… I get scared shitless of doing the wrong thing; I know that I blow things way out of proportion and say stupid shit that I never really mean. Just like now; I didn’t mean any of that. Don’t ever believe it, okay?” Mikey doesn’t respond at all to Gerard’s firm reassurance, a firm reassurance that I’m certain he’s used a million times too many, and I can see a fraction of Gee’s inner light extinguish in heart-ripping anguish.
This time when I reach for Gerard’s hand, I receive his own searching one in return.
“What is it you have to say, Frank?”
Oh, God. Here it goes; everything we’ve been through so far has led up to this moment. And it rests on my incapable shoulders to deliver the hit that will either result in fixing them for good or in driving them apart forever.
I have to do this right or that bus may have well just killed Mikey and saved him another stressful death.
“Gerard, I need you to promise me that you won’t flip out over what I’m about to say. Please promise me that, Honey.”
I notice Mikey physically wince at my application of the name and remorse runs riot in my soul like a group of anarchists in a court of law; I think I’ll have to find a new nickname for Gee. Speaking of Gee, he just gives me a weird look, a look that tells me whilst he’s glad that I’m here right now he still isn’t happy with me. Far from it.
He reaches a hand onto Mikey’s upper arm, soothing a small stroke of pure brotherliness in a failed attempt to relax his little brother. How do I know it’s failed? Because Mikey flinches away from the contact in near-terror.
We’ve got a hell of a lot to get through.
But we’re getting through it right now if it kills me; I vowed to help them days ago, it’s about time I made good of my heartfelt vow.
Gerard’s intensely intent eyes meet my own, the wrecked glimmer in them almost tearing my own tears from their ducts, and a flicker of acknowledgement lets me know that he’s ready for this.
A/N: Thank you very much for reading; I hope that it wasn’t too boring/dragged out/pointless. I tried to make this chapter less depressing so I hope that ot wasn’t too much of a downer. Thank you sooo much for reading and please review! :)