Gerard opens up. but not much.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod. I was having a complete break down in the school toilets. I was so glad it was lesson time, so people couldn’t hear me sobbing and gasping for breath. I had run in here about half an hour ago, and so far I hadn't been able to calm myself down, my breathing pattern completely wrecked. I couldn’t believe that I had done that in front of Frank. He was gonna think I was a complete freak now. I knew I should have stayed at home, and not gone to school, I knew that this had been a bad idea. Oh my god, the hands, touching me, hitting me, caressing me, punching me, I can’t take this I can't, I can’t, I-
My head shot up at the sound of Frank’s voice. I whimpered slightly, before dropping my head back into my hands.
“Gerard, I know you’re in here, I can hear you. Please come out and tell me what the fuck happened. Please?”
I didn’t want him to see me like this, I looked like a wreck and I knew it. Plus, what if he wasn’t alone? What if Bob or Ray were there too? What would he do then? Oh fuck, this was so hard on me.
“Gerard, please. I won't judge you. I'm worried about you. Shit, you have no fucking idea how worried I am. Please come out.” For some strange reason, I believed Frank. I had only known him for four days, yet I trusted what he said. Still…
“Are you alone?” I managed to grind out before I took in another huge gulp of air, tears still streaming down my face. What if Frank thought I was a pansy? What if Frank thought I was stupid? What if Frank told everyone? Yeah, that I was most scared of.
“Yes, Gee, I’m here alone. Please could you unlock the door?” Frank’s voice sounded right outside the door of the cubicle I was currently occupying. The use of a nickname startled me for a second, and then before I knew it, I was uncurling my frame, getting up off the floor and unlocking the door. Frank stared at me for a moment before throwing his arms open as if to hug me. I flinched back, and he looked at me before lowering his arms and beckoning me forward, to sit by the radiator in the bathroom.
“What’s up, hmm? Why did you run off like that? You know we ain’t gonna hurt you? Please could you tell me what the matter is? I only want to help you.”
Franks voice was calm and soothing next to me, making me relax a little, although I was still shaking like crazy. I couldn’t tell him what the matter was, I knew that, but I wanted to tell him something. He was the closest thing I had to a friend, besides Mikey, since before I could remember, and I didn’t want to let that go so easily. Also, he sounded genuinely concerned.
“You… you are my friend, right?” I sniffled out.
“Of course. I don’t know you that well, but I think you’re great.”
“Please, could you not tell any one what I tell you? Not even the teachers. I really, really don’t like talking about it. I don’t even know why I trust you. You said you’d punch me on my first day.”
Frank chuckled slightly. “Yeah, I said I would, but I lied about that. I don’t think I could punch you. You're too small and skinny and innocent and… fuck it, you're to amazing to be punched.” He turned to look at me as I squeaked in surprise. I was bigger than he was, I was certainly not skinny, I definitely wasn’t innocent after what had happened to me and many people had thought I wasn’t amazing enough and had used me as their punching bag plenty of times.
“You don’t believe me do you? I'm telling the truth. You're great. Now please, tell me what’s going on.”
I sighed, hesitating for a moment. There really wasn’t any way I could get out of this. I had to explain why I acted like a complete weirdo in front of him. This was gonna be painful, and I was still crying my eyes out. “Basically, I was in an incident three years ago, involving someone I loved but they didn’t love-” I had to stop here for a moment because it still hurt me so fucking much. The pain was still so raw inside. “They didn’t love me. And something happened and now whenever someone touches me it reminds me of what happened and I can’t take it. It hurts Frank. It hurts me so much. And there’s nothing I can do about it, nothing at all!” I was sobbing loudly now, fat tears streaking down my face.
“Please, just help me to forget it. I hate myself, I hate what happened to me, and I hate the fact that it’s my fault! Everything is my fault, everything, everything EVERTHING!” I screamed the last part out, probably shocking Frank but I didn’t care. I shoved my head into my hands again, the palms pressing into my eyes as if they could block the images from my head.
“Please, just help me to forget.” I whimpered.
Frank was silent for a couple of moments before moving and kneeling down in front of me, his eyes serious and concerned.
“Oh hunny. I didn’t realise. I'm so sorry for making you go through that. I wish I could help you, I really do…” he thought for a few seconds. “Do you want me to take you home? I can do that, I just want you to be okay. I want to see you smile, Gee.”
Franks words made me nearly melt with happiness. He actually cared about me, and he wasn’t even related to me. I was still shaking slightly but I smiled weakly.
“There we go. There we go. It’ll be okay, I promise. Shh, there there. Shall we get you home then?” I nodded at his words, and reached behind me to grasp the radiator to haul myself up.
“Th… Thank you.” I stuttered out, truly meaning the words. Frank wasn’t the bad boy that he made himself out to be, I noted. He was amazing. He was beautiful.
I stood in front of the boy, and looked into his eyes. He stared back up at me, unblinking, his eyes open and honest. He meant every word he had said.
“I should probably let you know now that I’m not really good at all this sentimental shit, by the way, you probably noticed. But I want to help you as much as I possibly can. I care about you Gerard, I really do.”
I hoped to god I hadn't imagined the bit he muttered afterwards, when we had passed the school gates, when he had said ‘I care about you more than you can imagine.’
“So, this is my house.” I said, slowing our walk to a complete halt. “Umm… will you come inside with me? Maybe we could watch a movie? Would that be okay with you?”
I had learnt quite a bit about Frank in the 15 minute walk between the school and my house: he was an only child, he loved skittles, good music and dogs more than anything, and he had more tattoos already than he could count. I had made sure that the conversation was fixed firmly on him, and not on me, I had had enough emotional outbursts for the day, and I was completely wiped out. Crying did a lot to you physically as well as mentally, and I had definitely done a lot of it today.
“Sure!” Frank grinned at me. “I was hoping you weren’t gonna send me home, id have to explain to my ma why I wasn’t in class… err, what about your mum?” I smirked.
“Its cool,” I assured him as I produced the keys from my bag and swiftly unlocked the door. My mum is working at the moment, all week, so she’s stating at a friends house nearer to the hospital so it’s easier for her. She’s a nurse, by the way. Do you want a drink?”
“Yeah. What are you having? Ill have some of that.”
Franks eyes brightened. “Hell yeah to coffee! I love that shit.”
I smirked again. “Good, cos if you didn’t I’d probably have to murder you. I live on that stuff, seriously. Oh just dump your stuff in the hall, no biggie. The sitting rooms through there if you wanna choose a film to watch. How do you like your coffee?” I said as I pulled off my coat and slid off my shoes, padding through the hallway in my socks.
“Really milky with one sugar please!” Franks voice drifted through the house.
“Traitor.” I muttered to myself, smiling, before duly making said coffee, adding milk to his, and leaving mine black and bitter. Huh, the irony. My coffee was like me inside.
“Here you go.” I handed Frank his ‘traitorous’ coffee before sitting on the couch next to him. Usually, I would sit away from another person, if I could, but Frank made me feel safe.
“Whoa, dude. You drink that shit straight?” I looked up at Frank who was staring at my mug.
“Err… yeah.” I replied. What was so wrong about that? I liked coffee.
“I couldn’t do that, no way. Hey, can we watch this?” Frank exclaimed before shoving Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back in my face. I was a complete nerd for star wars, so I was actually kinda happy that he had chosen it. Sure I like blood and gore and stuff, but there’s nothing like a bit of Darth Vader to make your day.
“Sure! Good choice. Umm Frank, can I ask you something?” Frank looked up from putting the film on. “Why do you sometimes call me Gee?” I really wanted to know.
Frank blushed. “I dunno. It just seems right, you know? It makes me feel closer to you… I can call you Gerard if it makes you feel uncomfortable.” A look of panic suddenly crossed his features, as he realised what the nickname might do to me and my already fragile nature.
I smiled. “No, I like it, please carry on calling me it. Can I… can I call you Frankie?”
Frank blinked in shock for a moment before a huge smile crossed his features. I swear that smile made his face light up so much; he was like a cute miniature sun. I wanted to see that smile all the time.
“Sure! I love it! I've never had someone give me a nickname before, thank you Gee,” he grinned. “Err I got the film up, where shall I sit?”
I patted the cushion next to me. I felt so much better. Frank was doing what I had asked him so desperately to do. He was helping me to forget. And because he was helping me to forget, I felt I could in turn be closer to him. I didn’t care if I had only known the guy for four days; he was a part of my life now.
Frank smiled again, and scrambled up onto the sofa leaving space between me and him. I almost choked up when he was so considerate, and remembered how I felt.
“On with the show!” Frank yelled and hit the start button, filling the room with the opening tune. Both of us starting to read the opening credits as the scrolled down the screen and laughing when we both realised we were word perfect.
This was it. I slowly slid the hand that was wrapped around my leg down to the sofa that lay between us, before halting slightly. Was I really sure I wanted to do this? Then I decided fuck it and continued, taking Frank’s hand and clasping it in my own. Frank jumped slightly, then looked down and realised what I had done. He knew how much this meant to me, and the joy that filled his eyes was almost too much to bear. He squeezed my hand slightly before turning back to watch the film.
That was the first time I had willingly touched someone who wasn’t part of my family in over three years.
I hope you enjoyed it, and shit. Please R&R? if this baby went green that would quite possibly be the best day of my entire life. Better than when I was born! So yeah. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, especially mychemicalbitchbot, who has still reviewed every time. YEAH. I love you all. I very almost remembered what I was gonna tell you guys then, but its gone again. Fucking hell, I'm rubbish