I had washed my hands over and over again yet I could still feel the blood.
Tears clung to my eyes, blurring my vision. The wall felt cold or maybe that was just me. My clothing was soaked through after all. A nurse had offered me a blanket; I'd turned it down. I didn't want to be warm. I didn't want to fall asleep. I couldn't risk Frank waking up while I was fast asleep. He had to wake up... soon. I hoped...
I fought the urge to shake, my fingertips finding their way to my lips which I barely touched. The taste of Frank remained and oh how delicious that taste was.
As I waited to hear back about how Frank was doing my mind wandered to his words beforehand. Could we be together again?
The idea of entwining my fingers with his, of hearing him laugh, of kissing him without guilt was tempting. The fear of what would happen if rehab didn't work was overwhelming though, keeping my happiness at bay.
Could I really go without him though? Seeing him, while not being with him, was incredibly painful. I needed him. I had turned in to that girl; the girl that needed a guy to feel whole. I wished I could say that I was stronger than that but I wasn't and I couldn't lie to myself. To other people sometimes but to myself? Never.
"Hayley?" A voice interrupted my thoughts and I looked up from my uncomfortable placement on the floor. Why was I sitting on the floor? It was honestly the closest way to be with Frank without being inside of his hospital room, which I didn't quite feel comfortable with just yet. Gerard and Mikey were staring down at me, both looking extremely concerned. "What happened?" I had used Frank's phone to text them to come to the hospital but... I hadn't been able to tell them what had happened yet. I didn't even really know what to say without getting Alex in trouble.
Mikey extended his hand and I grabbed on to it, allowing him to pull me to my feet. "Thanks." I whispered, shivering.
Gerard immediately noticed. "Why are you wet?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
"It was raining. I haven't dried off yet." How was I supposed to tell them Frank had been stabbed? The words stuck in my throat as I fought to evict them.
Gerard sighed and nodded, taking off his jacket. He placed it around my shoulders for warmth. All I could do was utter a meek, "Thank you." These guys were total gentlemen, just like Frank was... before.
Then as I stood before them I felt the sudden urge to cry. As the tears slid down my cheeks I was finally able to inform them of what had occurred. "Frank was stabbed." It sounded so simple coming out but it wasn't. It wasn't simple at all.
I felt like everything was pressing down on me. Everything that had happened was just too much and I didn't know what to do anymore. As I fought for breath I found myself swaying, only to fall in to an unsuspecting Mikey who nearly fell to the ground barely catching us both before we fell to the ground together.
Then the welcoming blackness fell upon me, taking every worry I had. If only things could remain so simple...
I had wanted Frank to die. Death? That word couldn't ever convey the real meaning. Dying was permeanant. Saying you wanted someone dead was a lot easier than actually killing said person.
I had washed my hands over and over again yet I could still feel the blood. I couldn't see it but it's presence lingered, clouding my mind. I had stabbed Frank.
When Eric texted me... I brought the knife. I knew, in the back of my mind, that I might just run in to Frank. I knew he couldn't be avoided forever. I also knew Hayley was in love with him, the way I wanted her to be in love with me. So, had I stabbed him to protect her or so that I could have her? Were the meanings different? I wasn't so sure anymore.
I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't love Hayley. I couldn't cause her anymore heartache. I knew that if I kept up as is that I would only cause Hayley more pain. I loved her enough to let go.
My hand shook as I scribbled my note on to the blank piece of paper.
I'm sorry for what I've done and for the pain I've caused. You deserve so much better. If I stay I know I'll only cause you pain so tonight I'm leaving. We both know that staying would be the wrong thing to do. Please don't let him hurt you. Please understand just how much you mean to me. I hope you know I never meant to hurt you but I did and that makes me no better than him. I love you so much. I'm sorry that it had to come to this.
Tears fell from my eyes on to the paper and I knew they'd dry and harden the paper, letting her know the pain I felt while writing her the note. I had to leave though. I couldn't protect Hayley from everything but I could protect her from myself.
I woke up with something pressing against my hip and started feeling around, pulling Frank's cell phone from my pocket. That's when I realized I was laying upon an extremely comfortable bed, way more comfortable than any hospital bed. Where was I?
"Hello?" I called out, my voice cracking.
Someone was suddenly standing in the doorway, causing me to jump up in to a sitting position. The person had a toned upper body and happened to only be wearing boxers. Frank? My heart jumped at the thought. "Frank?" I whispered, only to have the person step further in to the room and in to sight.
"Just me." Mikey responded, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "Why are you awake? It's only 3 in the morning."
"How did I get here? Where is here?" I looked around, realizing I was in Frank's room. It had gotten messy since I'd last seen it. Plus last time I saw it... my stuff was mixed in.
"Frank's room. Gerard and I brought you here after you collapsed at the hospital. The nurse said you needed to get some sleep and take it easy so... here we are." Mikey said, coming towards the bed and sitting down.
"He's probably sleeping like most people do at 3 in the morning." Mikey joked.
"Is he okay?" I whispered, fearing for the worst.
Mikey nodded. "Yeah. He's going to be fine." He assured me, adding. "He needed stitches but the wound wasn't that deep. The blood made it seem a lot worse than it really was."
Tears came and before I could comprehend how I even felt about the news that Frank would be fine I started sobbing uncontrollably. Mikey's eyes widened as he quickly spoke, "No, don't cry... He will be fine. I promise I'll take you to see him tomorrow morning!"
I laughed and wiped my eyes, "I don't know why I'm laughing or why I'm crying." I admitted. "I'm sorry... I'm an emotional mess lately."
"I think you're allowed to be right now." Mikey informed me.
I wrinkled my nose and thought about it for a few minutes. "I don't really know how to be okay right now. I wish I did. That would make things so much easier but I just... can't figure out how to be."
"Sometimes that's hard." Mikey agreed.
"Do you think Frank will be able to do this?" I asked.
"Do what?" Mikey asked, yawning.
"Make it through rehab. Stop doing drugs. Go back to normal. I miss him so much. How can I miss someone when they are still around?"
"He'll never be the same man Hayley." Mikey stared me straight in the eyes, "Can you still love him knowing that?"
"I can't not love him." Was all I could come up with and it was the truth. Loving him wasn't really something I decided on. It was just something that happened.
Mikey smiled faintly, "That's usually how love works." He sighed before continuing. "All we can do is be here for him... If he makes it through and stays clean is completely up to him though. You can't force sobriety. The person has to want it."
I nodded, "Well, I hope he wants it... because if he can't stay sober then I don't know if I'll be able to stay."
"If he can't stay sober then I hope you don't stay." Mikey commented.
"Goodnight Mikey." I didn't want to talk anymore. I wasn't really tired anymore either though. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to bury my face in to the sheets that smelled so strongly of Frank and cry. I figured Mikey might find it weird if I did so in his presence.
"Night." Mikey sleepily mumbled, making his way out of the room.
As I laid my head down in the sheets on Frank's bed I inhaled more than his smell. The sheets stunk badly of alcohol. Angrily I pulled them off, realizing I'd have a long night ahead of me. Item by item I went through his room, prepared to clean and sanitize everything and anything that had come in contact with drugs or alcohol.
Oh, how I was losing my mind...
Why the fuck would someone be knocking at... wait, what time is it? I rolled over to face my clock, finding that it was already 10 a.m.
Slowly I dragged myself from bed and to the door, swinging it open. I expected Gerard, otherwise I would have put on more clothing but no... It turns out a random hot girl decided to show up on my doorstep with me barely dressed. "Uh, hello..."
"Hey, is Frank here?" The girl asked, glancing behind me.
I shook my head. "Frank is in the hospital."
"Oh, did Hayley go back to the hospital? I thought she left." The girl replied.
"Hayley is here. Frank is in the hospital. He got stabbed the other night." I replied, realizing how weird of a situation it was to explain something so calmly, as if it were normal. Hell, normal was nonexistent in my life lately.
"Shit." The girl breathed out. "I didn't know. I'm Kyla." She introduced herself.
"I'm Mikey." I stated, shooting her a smile.
Kyla nodded. "I know. I love your band. Is Frank going to be okay?" At least she sounded semi-concerned. Here I was, sounding bored by the subject... I wasn't! It was just something hard to express.
"Yeah, he'll be fine." I awkwardly replied, wondering what to say now.
"Can I see Hayley?" Kyla asked.
"Yes!" I sounded way too excited about that. Kyla walked in and shut the door behind her as I went to get Hayley.
Frank's bedroom door was closed so I knocked lightly, hoping she'd answer. A few minutes later she did. She looked exhausted, as if she hadn't slept at all. "Hey, how'd you sleep?" I asked casually.
She shrugged. "I've been up cleaning." She replied.
"Oh." That would explain why she looked so tired. Frank's room had been a mess. "... Kyla is here to see you."
The look Hayley gave me could've killed had she wanted it to. It honestly left me fearing for my life and only after serious consideration did I follow her back to the living room.
"What are you doing here?" Hayley asked, in an icy tone. Her entire demeanor had changed. I hadn't known Hayley long but I already knew her to be a nice person. She didn't look so nice anymore.
Kyla frowned. "Is something wrong?" She mumbled before adding, "Alex wanted me to give you something."
"Give me what?" Hayley asked.
Kyla held out a sealed envelope. "He just wanted me to give this to you." She responded.
Hayley stared down at it but didn't open it. "Get out." She spoke clearly, not looking up at Kyla.
"Frank told you, didn't he?" Kyla asked quietly, tears welling up in her pretty blue eyes.
"I wish you had told me." Hayley stated, looking up at Kyla finally. "I wish you'd just told me. Things would be better then. I might have even been able to still be your friend but now I just want you to leave."
The tears fell down Kyla's face and she shook her head, "Please Hayley, you have to understand... I was jealous and you had Alex and Frank. I just wasn't used to feeling so unwanted."
Hayley shook her head, "You want me to feel sorry for you?" She yelled, disgusted. "You may be beautiful Kyla but you're an ugly person."
Kyla opened her mouth to speak but Hayley turned and left the room, ignoring her. She did yell one last thing however, "I want you to leave."
I awkwardly stood in the middle of the room as Kyla wiped her tears away. After a couple of seconds of silence which seemed to drag on Kyla finally left, slamming my apartment door behind her.
Well, that was awkward.
(Sorry about the time between updates. I've been quite busy lately. I appreciate all of the reviews so much though and I'll be responding to them tonight after work. I just wanted to get this posted as soon as I could so I haven't gotten that far yet.)