The cock removal club, Telephones of the forty fifth century, and Lilac hairdryers...
NOTE 25/03/11: Will update in the next two days. Really sorry for delay- I've been banned from the computer D;
Chapter Twenty One
This is, without any doubt whatsoever, the most embarrassing situation I have ever, ever had the misfortune to be part of. By far. A hundred times more embarrassing than being discovered sucking off the captain of the football team in the cleaner’s storeroom by a very, very angry headmaster who, incidentally, was wearing a stripy Santa hat and was more than a little tipsy. It is a thousand times more embarrassing the large flurry of guitar plectrums I emptied all over the god that is Frank Iero on our first meeting. And it is a million, squillion times more embarrassing than yelling at the postman in nothing but ‘I eat brains’ boxers.
A postman who, at this point, is probably during the process of a rather nasty mental breakdown or about to take his own life.
Speaking of nasty mental breakdowns, I think I might be about to have one. I’m not exactly overreacting about things for once; this really is, undoubtedly THE most horrifically embarrassing and humiliating and life-threatening situation I’ve been in all my retarded life.
Coincidentally, it is also the most angry, sadistic, and inhumane I’ve seen my lovely stepsister Jamie.
And perhaps, just this once, she maybe has a small amount of right to be pissed off and looking ready to butcher a Noah’s ark worth of adorably small, furry creatures without any remorse. But hey, she’s always been a cold-hearted bitch like that. Although perhaps this time it’s a little different. I mean, she did just walk in on her mentally unhinged stepbrother getting a (completely out of this world) blowjob from her sex god of a boyfriend. Um, on her own bed. In her room. Which we may or may not have completely trashed.
But dear moose poopings, that dude has one amazing mouth.
Uh, not to interrupt, but I hardly think this is a good time to rejoice about the fact you may or may not have just received oral sex from a sex god.
OHMYSNAILSLIMEFROMNEXTLIVE, WE GOT SUCKED OFF BY FRANK IERO. AND FRANK IERO’S TONUGE
Yes, but right now we have more important things to think about. And, just so you know, Frank’s tongue is part of Frank.
Oh. I see. And… what?! Something more important than the fact we just got molested by a sex god?
Yes. You are all going to die. Because we orgasmed all over Satan.
All my previously squealy little brain cells gulp and clutch at each other, wide-eyed in horror owing to the fact that in a scarily short amount of time, I am going to be excruciatingly lacking in cock.
My inner insanity is interrupted by a bone-chillingly soft snarl from the doorway where Barbie, Lucifer, and Hitler are all rolled into one lethal fake-tanned bitch. A bitch who is about to remove everything that makes me male. And happy, for that matter.
I start trembling violently with fear, because, yes, I am naked. And there is a sex god straddling me. A sex god who is dating my beyond evil stepsister. And who just treated my manly parts as some kind of obese sexual lollypop.
Oh holy coffee beans, after all the times I thought I was going to die, and this is really it. Well, at least all my fucked-up little pink-knicker wearing brain cells got their perverted little dreams come true before their violent deaths. Because seriously, I have never, ever seen Jamie look so possessed with fury. And believe me, I have seen her pretty pissed off.
I mean, she’s actually white with rage.
Um, then again, that could just be my cum…
Oh god, this really is the end. The brutal, castrated end.
I glance sideways at Frank, and to my complete and utter horror, he’s smirking slightly from behind his sweaty tendrils of hair and looking subtly amused, despite the fact his (admittedly cheating) girlfriend has just walked in on him violently molesting her gothic moron of a stepbrother. Not to mention the fact his skull and crossbones boxers are really not leaving anything to the imagination.
Hehehe. Frank’s got a boner.
I actually facepalm in utter despair. I mean, seriously- I’m in the last few moments of my life and my brain cells are being immature and perverted.
Perhaps we should ask him if he’d like us to lick it?
Oh my god. At this rate I’m actually going to wish for death.
SHUT THE FUCK UP BRIAN! I AM ABOUT TO DIE, AND YOU’RE MAKING INNUENDOS! DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR LAST THOUGHTS TO BE THOSE OF AN IDIOT?!
Well, I don’t really see what choice we have. I mean, you are an idiot. Therefore your thoughts are thoughts of an idiot. And for the love of god, STOP CALLING ME BRIAN. I am brain, not Brian, okay?!
“Um, I don’t really suppose it would be appropriate for me to ask you to come back in five minutes so as Gerard can jerk me off, would it?” Frank asks pleasantly, breaking the incredibly awkward silence and my inner arguing.
Jamie lets out an ominous growl, eyes darkening with fury.
Before I can actually start tearing my own hair out, the lunacy of my bickering inner voices and the horribly ominous, lethally heavy silence hanging between Frank, Jamie and I, is broken by a the Pingu theme tune.
Yes, that’s right. The Pingue theme tune.
As if things couldn’t really get any more awkward at this stage after my satanic stepsister walked in on her boyfriend violently raping and ravaging her moronic stepbrother in her own room.
Of course, it’s not really rape if you’re enjoying it, is it? okay, so her boyfriend sexually pleasing her moronic stepbrother, who then proceeded to orgasm all over her foundation caked face.
What makes this whole situation even more awkward is the fact that the Pingu theme tune is coming from the pocket of my jeans halfway across the room.
“Nice ringtone,” Frank smirks at me, winking from behind his sweaty hair.
Suddenly, being murdered by the female version of Hitler seems more appealing. I mean, seriously, what in the name of pink-knicker insanity possessed me to set that as my ringtone?! I should have known it would lead to death.
“Um,” I stammer, cheeks fluorescent red as I grab Jamie’s pillow and hold it in front of my crotch while trying to edge off the bed not looking as if I’m very, very naked.
Wait… do you even get fluorescent red? Well, if you do, right now I am the definition of it.
Somehow, I don’t think a pink flowery pillow concealing my baby-making area really convinces either Frank or Jamie that I am alarmingly lacking in clothes as I half back, half scuttle towards my discarded jeans on the floor where the Pingu theme tune is still blaring out cheerfully and utterly humiliatingly.
Frank is biting back an amused grin as he watches me scrabble for my phone and finally draw it out and press the ‘accept call’ button. Sadly for the lifespan of my manly parts, Jamie does not look in the slightest bit amused.
“H-hello?” I stammer into the receiver, feeling even more ridiculous than usual. And wow is that saying something. I mean, I wear glittery boxers, fall over everything, and literally drool over unattainable guys.
“Sup, Geefreak,” Ray’s cheerful voice crackles over the receiver.
“What’s…what?!” I repeat, completely bemused.
“It’s my new phrase. It means what’s up?”
Well, a sex god’s dick is. I can see it poking through his underwear. But um, perhaps that’s not really what Ray means. I mean, the dude may have stuck his tongue down Satan’s gullet, but he doesn’t really deserve for me to scar him for life.
“Um…stuff…” I say vaguely, looking from the pillow covering my overly excitable crotch to the sweaty hair and bitten-back smirk on Frank’s face and Jamie’s demonic look of pure, cold fury which foretells my nasty demise.
“What kind of stuff?” Ray asks brightly.
“Jeez, there’s no need to be vague about it, Gee!” Ray says sarcastically.
“Well, why are you so interested?!”
“I’m trying to be a good friend!”
“Well shut up then!”
“That isn’t a very nice thing to say, Mr. Albino.”
“Snogging cats isn’t a very nice thing to do, Mr. Fro.”
Over by the door, I see Jamie blink.
“For the last time, I DO NOT SNOG CATS!” Ray shouts. “Oh…um, sorry Mom,” I hear him add to someone in the background.
“Well I’m not an albino!”
“You could be one!”
“Look, Ray, this really isn’t the greatest time to argue about the lack of sunlight that reaches my skin. I’m sort of…caught up in something.”
I mentally facepalm at my puffy-headed friend’s complete lack of ability to grasp a hint. Mind you, I guess I’m not really Mr. Subtle anyway.
“Wait…oh…” Ray sighs in realisation. “Is Frank there?”
“Um, you could say that.”
“Please tell me you’re wearing something…?”
“Uh, of course I am.” Because yes, I think a flowery pink pillow belonging to Lucifer counts as clothing.
“I’m not sure I want to hear anymore, Gee,” Ray sounds slightly sickened. “If you’re wearing one of those banana skin thongs again…”
“What the fuck?!” I yelp. “I’ve never worn a fucking banana skin thong!”
Frank’s eyes widen along with his seductive and unfairly alluring smirk. Over by the door, Jamie looks revolted, furious and ready to kill. Which really isn’t good combination. Like, at all.
I’d actually almost managed to forget the nasty little incidents that occurred before being interrupted by my extraordinarily inappropriate Pingu ringtone.
“Um, Ray?” I stammer, beginning to fear more than slightly for my life because I’m actually almost certain there is real smoke starting to billow from Jamie’s flaring nostrils. And the size of Frank’s crotch hasn’t really decreased. And I am still alarmingly lacking in clothes. Neither of these facts seem likely to help us to remain in the land of the living rather than the land of brutal, painful death.
“What?” Ray sighs.
“I think it might be wise for me to go now.”
“Oh, okay,” Ray says casually, as if he’ll see me later and we’ll continue arguing about his mentally unhinged attraction to feline creatures and my completely ridiculous and obsessive crush on the sex god.
And that’s when it hits me. I am going to die.
Never again will I be able to infuriate my best friend by scrabbling desperately through his mass of puffy hair looking for things I’ve lost like my iPod or my sanity. Never again will I be able to ridicule him about his cat and attempt to let him teach me guitar. Never again will I be embarrassed to death by my evil younger sibling or fight over the last of the coffee. Never again will I get to attach my lips to a sex god’s…
Unless of course he too is reincarnated as a little snail. But even then, I’m not sure they have lips.
“I love you, Ray,” I cry in a very manly, un-panicky voice, suddenly clutching the phone as if it’s my life support. On the other end of the line, I’m almost certain I hear Ray retch. “In a totally heterosexual way,” I clarify.
“Ha. There are two words that don’t usually go together,” Ray snorts.
“What?” I say, perplexed.
“Heterosexual and Way.” I can’t see him, because this is not the forty fifth century where you can see through telephones, but I’m certain he’s smirking. And actually, I don’t know what telephones will be like in the forty fifth century. Perhaps they will be shaped like Justin Beiber’s head.
“Shut up, Ray,” I scowl, shaking myself out of my insanity. “I mean it. I love you, man,” and I definitely do not sniff hysterically and emotionally. I merely inhale in a very masculine way to clear my nostrils.
“…Dude, are you alright?” Ray is starting to sound worried. “Isn’t Frank gunna get jealous with you confessing your love to me?”
“It’s a completely different kind of love, Ray!”
“You love him?!”
“Well you love Satan! I think loving a sex god with the tongue skills of a heroin hooked giraffe is a hell of a lot better than loving the sadistic torturer of worlds who wears so much foundation she’s more orange than…well, ANYTHING!” I yelp in defence.
“They have really long tongues. And they’re blue.”
“How is that relevant?! Does Frank have a blue tongue?!”
Frank. Oh. Yes. The almost naked guy who is in the same room as me, and therefore would definitely have been well in earshot when I described him as a ‘sex god with the tongue skills of a heroin hooked giraffe’. And the fake-tanned bitch about to stamp me violently from existence would definitely have heard me describing her as the ‘sadistic torturer of worlds’.
Oh dear. This situation really is getting stickier and stickier. Literally.
“Gee…?” Ray’s voice brings me out of my horror as I stare at the now mile wide sexy, mischievous smirk on Frank’s face and the ‘You have seconds left to live before I remove your manly parts with a hot pink spatula’ glare from Jamie.
“Yes?” I tremble, clutching my pillow protectively to my crotch.
“Are you okay?” Ray sounds like a doctor speaking very slowly and clearly to a mental patient that is about to really lose the plot and spend the rest of their days living in a locked ward with nice little padded cells.
“Ray,” I breath, hiccupping in terror as Jamie lets out a low growl. “I think I’m going to pass on.”
“Pass on what? It’s not pass the parcel, Gee.”
“No, you fucktard, pass on. As in pass away!”
“Oh,” Ray says, not sounding as distraught as I would like. “Why?”
“Because...I just um, did…things…with…someone…and…someone else…uh…walked…in…” I say clearly.
“You mean you were screwing Frank’s brains out and Jamie walked in?”
“We weren’t fucking! We were just…molesting.”
I jump in alarm as a loud, vicious growl echoes across the room from Jamie. All my moronic little brain cells quiver in fear for their manly parts.
“Oh, is Jamie there?” Ray asks brightly. “Blow her a kiss from me!”
I facepalm. I think blowing Jamie a kiss right now might result in her brutally murdering me in all my next lives as a sweet, slimy little snail. I think I’d be a green snail. With one of those nice swirly little shells and-
“Gerard? Blow her a kiss for me, fuckface.”
“Ray. I just got sucked off by her boyfriend. In her room. I really don’t think she’d appreciate me blowing her a kiss, do you?”
However, before Ray can respond, something hard slams into my skull and I yelp in pain as a perfume bottle bounces off my head and all my little brain cells jump angrily, looking round to see Jamie about to fling another in my direction.
“You DICKHEAD!” She yells, chucking the bottle so as it smacks into my cheek and I yelp again, while Frank exclaims angrily in my defence and Ray says in an alarmingly camp voice “Oooh, what’s going on?!”
As a Calvin Klein lipstick hits my forehead, I drop the phone and wildly scuttle for cover behind the bed, still clutching the pillow firmly over my private parts so as they remain intact for as long as possible. After all, I can’t really imagine cock removal is something people would volunteer for as a hobby. Unless they were seriously messed up in the head, of course.
“Take that, you disgusting, ugly FAGGOT!” Jamie screams, face contorted in fury as she advances across the room, armed with various cosmetics presumably gathered from the carpet where they were scattered earlier due to the fact two people were humping the dressing table. Um, humping on the dressing table, even. Humping dressing tables sounds like something someone part of the cock removal club would do.
“Hey, stop it!” Frank says angrily as Jamie pelts me with a series of eye shadow pallets, hurling them blindly to where she knows I’m cowering behind her bed. Unfortunately, she either has an alarmingly good aim or can see through solid furniture, because almost all of the thrown objects manage to hit me. And they are quite hard.
SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE FREAKS!
“Oh, and why should I stop it, Frank Iero?” Jamie snarls, and I come to the conclusion she must have paused, because the shower of make up ceases, and I roll to the side slightly, accidentally crushing my phone.
“Because you’re hurting him!” Frank shouts.
“Well observed, Iero. I’ll hurt you too if you don’t get the fuck out of my way,” I hear her growl.
“Make me,” Frank says quietly, and I know this is really the last time to get aroused, but I can’t but help shiver at his husky voice and all my moronic little brain cells groan and clutch at each other.
“Stop getting turned on, Gee,” a crackly voice sighs from under my ass.
I blink. Okay, I really must have lost it. I mean, I’m hearing voices from my ass, for fuck’s sake. That isn’t healthy.
“Gee!” the voice says again, sounding oddly like Ray.
And then I realise. It is Ray- I must have accidentally pressed the loudspeaker button when I sat on my mobile. I sigh in relief. Hurray! I’m not insane after all!
Well, I guess I do still have a bunch of hormonally crazed, drooling, pink knicker wearing brain cells living inside my head. But hey, nothing is perfect.
A well-aimed mascara tube colliding with the crown of my head enforces this point rather painfully as I shift off the phone.
“Was that Ray’s voice?” Frank says, sounding puzzled.
“Yeah, it’s me. Hi guys!” Ray says cheerfully from the mobile. “I’m on loudspeaker.”
I poke my head up from behind the bed briefly, in the hope that Ray’s voice is a distraction enough for me to resurface safely without being pelted with cosmetics.
A bottle of Dove spray deodorant smacks me squarely on the nose.
Okay, apparently not.
“You REPULSIVE, DOUBLE-CROSSING, COCKLESS FREAK!” Jamie yells furiously at my face, practically foaming at the mouth in fury as she gathers more ammunition from the carpet.
“Uh, this might not be the best thing to point out right now, but Gerard is definitely not cockless,” Frank says cheekily, sounding dangerously amused.
“Ooooh, zing,” Ray’s voice crackles appreciatively.
“I will kill you,” Jamie snarls, advancing on Frank, who is looking as if he’s beginning his light-hearted approach to the situation and is slithering backwards, away from her. “I will kill you, you dick.”
“You will not!” I say loudly, standing up full and glaring at Jamie.
“Is that my pillow?” Jamie growls furiously, gesturing to the pink pillow covering my dick.
“Oh my god, DROP THE PILLOW, YOU SICK FREAK!” Jamie screams. “I SLEEP ON THAT!”
Instinctively, I drop the pillow.
There’s a very nasty silence.
“Um,” I say wisely, trying not to focus on the fact that I am not really wearing anything. And when I say not really, I mean I am not. At all. In fact, I am very, very naked.
The silence is getting more and more ominous.
“Guys?” Ray’s voice sounds a little worried. “You haven’t killed each other, have you?”
“No, Gerard’s just naked,” Frank says brightly.
“Yeah, don’t worry, Ray baby. I’m still here,” Jamie says in an uncharacteristically soft tone.
“Well isn’t that a comfort,” I say sarcastically.
Jamie’s response slams into me in the form of a lilac hairdryer.
“Meeeephh!” I cry, falling back in agony.
“Gerard!” Frank cries, stumbling off the bed to kneel beside me where I’m flailing about on the carpet with a large, egg-sized bump on my forehead.
“That’s what happens to cheaters,” Jamie sneers triumphantly.
“Um, Gerard isn’t actually a cheater,” Ray points out.
“Well…” Jamie falters. “Frank is!”
“Yeah, but no more than you,” Frank says reasonably.
“Actually,” I groan from the floor. “You cheated first, Jamie. I saw you and Ray snogging in the park-”
“I was just helping her look for something!” Ray protests.
“What, her intestines?” I quip, trying not to visibly melt as Frank strokes the painful bump on my forehead. I mean, yes, I have a lump the size of a small ostrich egg on my skull and I am about to be dispatched to a next life by my own stepsister, but fuck it, there’s a sex god stroking my head!
“And anyway,” I continue in order to distract myself from Frank’s hot breaths on my skin because really, being naked doesn’t hide anything. “As I was saying- I saw you guys kissing or looking for each other’s intestines or whatever at least an hour before Frank and I made out in the bathtub.”
There’s another ominous silence.
“Oh so that’s why Frank was with you in the bath when I called you,” Ray sighed comprehendingly.
“Um, I probably shouldn’t have said that, should I?” I bite my lip and look at Frank, who’s looking sexily amused.
That’s when Jamie’s demonic head looms over the side of the bed and both of us scream and jump up. In a totally brave, manly way of course. And yeah, I’m still naked, so I quickly grab the thing nearest to me and cover my baby-making bits with it.
“Oh, you two are going to pay,” Jamie says darkly, advancing on us.
“Well, no offence J, but I think he did have a point,” my cock says brightly.
I blink and look down and see that the thing I’ve chosen to cover my crotch is my mobile phone. Which isn’t really the best thing, but hey, I guess it’s better than a batman guitar pick.
Before Jamie can spontaneously combust with fury, a small interruption occurs; just to add to the already ridiculous amount of insanity and drama, in stumbles a wailing Mikey, who staggers dramatically across the room and then falls into Jamie’s arms, wailing violently and sniffling copiously into her designer tank top.
No one looks more surprised than Jamie herself.
“Uh…what’s happening now?” Ray says from my baby-making area.
“You’re covering Gerard’s crotch,” Frank informs him.
The sound of Ray retching crackles over the phone line.
“Oh, and Mikey’s crying,” Frank adds helpfully.
“Mikey?” Ray sounds confused. “When did Mikey get here?”
“Just now,” I say, frowning in concern for the pure despair in my brother’s tear swimming eyes. I mean yeah, he is an evil little unicorn fucker, who seems determined to embarrass me to death, but he is my little brother.
Frank looks troubled, and Ray lets out a sympathetic noise over the phone at the sound of Mikey’s bleak sobbing. Even Jamie’s expression has softened, and sure, she hasn’t hugged Mikey, but she hasn’t pushed him away either.
“Mikes?” I ask quietly, feeling ridiculous and slightly embarrassed that the remnants of my orgasm are still on Jamie’s face and hair, but also genuinely concerned for my younger sibling. “…W-what’s wrong?”
I kind of want to go over and give him a hug, but I am still naked and Mikey seems distraught enough already without being hugged by an insane, alarmingly clothes-less brother who has just received oral sex from a god.
Mikey sniffs loudly, wiping his nose on Jamie’s top and looking up, eye lashes spiky and glasses steamed up with the tears that are still pouring down his cheeks. He doesn’t even seem to notice that Ray’s voice is coming from my crotch, I am naked, Frank still has an alarmingly sized boner, and Jamie is clutching a spiky looking hairbrush.
“It’s-it’s…T-Tillie,” Mikey sobs, and then dissolves into a fresh flood of tears.
“Tillie?” I probe gently, shifting uncomfortably.
“Sh-she was d-dating me j-j-just to get at h-her ex,” Mikey wails, collapsing back into Jamie’s arms as violent sobs wrack his body uncontrollably. “Oh, god, I loved her so much and she was just u-u-using me!”
Jamie actually warily pats Mikey on the head, and Ray has gone tactfully quiet. I glance beside me to see Frank looking uncharacteristically troubled.
“Oh god, I want to die!” Mikey sobs. “Why?! How could someone do something like that?! Did she have no idea how much it was going to hurt me? I’m not just a-a toy, I’m a real person with f-f-f-feelings,” Mikey wails.
Suddenly Frank grabs his jeans from the floor beside my feet, eyes unusually agonised and full of feared troubles as he stumbles across the room, skirting round Jamie and then sprinting from the chaos without looking back. We hear the front door bang downstairs seconds later.
I swallow the stupid lump that’s rising in my throat just because Frank has deserted me, left me alone with a hysterical sibling, no clothes, a furious stepsister, and a talking crotch.
And I have a horrible feeling that he’s not coming back.
Oooh, so much drama! This story will be drawing to a close in a couple of chapters, so please R&R and let me know what you thought of this update and why the lovely little Frankie did a runner. Oh, and please remember to check out my new oneshot (link at the top of the page). Will update really soon this time…Love you all to bits!!