Categories > Original > Humor2 Reviews
A Devil is given an assignment to seduce some good christian teens into a life of sin, if he fails he will be demoted into cleaning toilets for disgusting imps. Little does he know that there is a ...
The little red phone on his bedside table rang. He rolled to take a look through the thin veil of sleep that had only just come to him. As angry as he was, it was his red phone, his direct line to The Boss up in his smoke filled office.
"It must be important" he thought to himself, "He knows I only just got back". His arm, like a snake, wriggled out from under his ugly mustard yellow blanket and his fingers wrapped around the receiver and he brought it to his ear. "Yeah Boss, what do you need?"
"I'm sending you out again."
"WHAT!?" He said trying to hide his annoyance and anger. "I only just got back from my last mission, which was assigned to me directly after I came back from the mission before that. I need my sleep."
"True as this is, you failed at both of these missions and I don't feel you deserve any sleep"
"But ... I ... Sir, please, have mercy, I can't do my job when I'm this tired."
"You obviously can't do your job when you aren't tired either. I'm also not one to show anything even resembling 'mercy'. Report to my office immediately to get your assignment." The Boss said coldly. Then there was a click and the line went dead.
"Dammit," the awoken man muttered, standing and pulling on his nice dress slacks that he had so carelessly flung aside no more than fifteen minutes earlier. "I know I'm not exactly amazing, but he could give me a break once in a while. Its not my fault I keep failing, there isn't anything I can do if people won't listen. I don't have any control over their thoughts, I can't make them do what he wants if they won't listen." He finished putting on his nice black Itallian suit, straightened his red silk tie, slipped on his leather loafers and pulled his long blonde hair into a tight ponytail. "Well, off to see the hard-ass that won't get off of mine." and he left his apartment to meet with The Boss for another assignment.
He walked into the third floor office that had become so familiar to him in the past week and a half. The waiting room was all black with scarlet carpet and white couches. A little receptionist in a hot pink blazer and black pants looked up at him as he entered.
"Oh, hello Mister Baal, the boss is with one of your coworkers," She said brushing her auburn hair away from her eyes "He'll be with you in just a moment."
"Thank you Clara." he said with the best smile he could muster. Her outfit was killing his eyes, she wore it every day and every time he entered the office it made him want to throw up. The bright pink not only clashed with the scarlet carpet but also didn't at all fit her. This might be because she had auburn hair, or it might be because she was a massively overweight woman, well over forty, who was always wearing a pound of makeup.
He took a seat on the white couch as far away from her as possible and tried to distract himself from thinking about burning that disgusting jacket, with her still in it. He looked at the magazines on the small coffee table in front of him and discovered that the number one actress in Hollywood was marrying an obscure artist from France. He sighed and resigned himself to humming to himself.
He didn't even get halfway through the "Blue Danube" when Clara called to him. "Mister Baal, The boss will see you now." He stood, and made his way toward the poorly lit room that his boss sat in all day, making calls and handing out assignments. On his way in he slammed into and almost knocked over the man who was exiting the office.
"Oh gee, I'm sorry, I wasn't at all watching my ..." He began but he immediately stopped talking when he discovered who it was. That asinine grin, that holier than thou air it could only be one man. He instantly knew he was in for a reaming.
"Oh, why, if it isn't Mister Baal." The well dressed man standing across from him said as he fixed his suit. "Word around the office is that you're up on the chopping block."
"Get out of my way you pompous ass, I have an assignment to get." He said as he moved to enter on the opposite side of the man. The man stepped into his way.
"Oh, I'm pompous am I? Well take a look at the employee of the month plaque hanging on the wall in The Boss' office when you get in there. You'll see that it says 'Joe Azal'. Know what that means? I'm better than you and ..."
"Baal! Get your ass in here right now!" Came a loud and irritated sounding voice out of The Boss' office.
Azal moved past him, but not before knocking him into the door jamb. "Good luck peon."
As Azal walked away Baal sighed, and adjusting his tie walked into The Boss' office.
The room wasn't really that different from the one he had just come from. Scarlet carpet, white furniture and black walls. However, instead of a nice plush couch for visitors, there was one, un-padded stiff backed chair, and the desk that stood across from it wasn't the cheap particle board that Clara's was, no, it was mahogany, highly polished and gleaming in the low light.
The room smelled as it always had, like sulfur and cigar smoke.
"Well, welcome back to my office Baal, please have a seat." He slowly made his way to the cushion-less chair that sat directly across from The Boss' desk. He couldn't see anything of The boss except a glowing quarter sized circle that bobbed as he spoke and a massive silhouette.
"I've brought you here to discuss a few things. As you are quite aware, you have failed in your past two assignments. I cannot keep you here if you cannot do your job." The glowing circle floated away from where Baal had supposed The Boss' mouth was and, into a ashtray that sat in plain view.
"I'm so sorry Boss I just ..." He began.
"I don't want to hear your excuses Baal. You've finished assignments in the past where there was much more opposition, thus there is nothing you can say that will convince me that your failures don't have anything to do with your slacking off." Baal lowered his eyes and stared at his highly polished shoes.
"I'm glad we understand each other. Now Baal, I'm going to send you on another assignment, but you should know, if you fail at this one I will be forced to send you back to scrubbing the Imp's toilets." Baal's eyes widened with terror.
"Sir, you can't mean that, that is cruel and unusual punishment."
"I'm not exactly known for being kind, Baal. As much as you have proven to be an extremely valuable asset over the years, there are quite a few employees that have proven themselves to be just as useful as yourself. I can very easily replace you, so remember that.
"Your assignment is as follows," a large map screen descended beside him. "There is a Protestant highschool located in a small town in Washington," a red dot appeared on the map. "The souls within it's walls are ripe for corruption. Your job is to go up to the school and convince these teenagers to turn to premarital sex and drugs," The Boss said handing over an envelope, which contained a picture of six teenagers sitting on the steps of a Protestant church. "Once they have been spoiled, they will be much easier to tempt, thus the humans we already own will be able to keep them on the wrong path. This is an outstandingly easy job Baal, don't disappoint me." As The Boss stubbed out his cigar, Baal spoke up.
"Sir, why am I to tempt these six specifically, couldn't I take any other of the students?"
"Baal, I've given you these six because they have been doubting their faith, and you are obviously 'off your game' thus I'm giving these to you as practice. Now get going." The Boss said, clipping the tip of a fresh cigar and lighting it. Baal turned and walked out feeling much more relaxed than he had going in.
He thought about how simple it'd be to turn these kids into sinners, half of the work had already been done by rappers and rockstars, he'd just show them how 'great' life was when you do drugs and have premarital sex. Piece of cake!
Standing out in front of the building that housed the office he had just left he took a close look at the parameters of his assignment. It seemed simple enough, tempt six faith doubting teenagers into sinning. Then he noticed a parameter he'd overlooked. The form he was to take was a teddy bear. Immediately he reached in his pocket, pulled out his cell phone, and dialed The Boss. When he finally picked up Baal said in as calm a voice as he could muster,
"A teddy bear? I have to tempt children into sin while in the body of a teddy bear?"
"Well, I had to give you a challenge didn't I?"
"You told me it was going to be easy!"
"Well, I am infamous for lying, aren't I? You are to take the form of a teddy bear, this is final, now don't call me until you come back." And, with that, there was a click on The Boss' end and the line went dead.
Baal stood, holding his phone to his ear, jaw almost to the asphalt. This assignment was going to be the most painful thing he'd ever had to do.
Three hours later he found himself lying on a roadside somewhere in Washington state in the body of a small brown teddy bear. He went to stand up and immediately spotted one of the girls whom he was supposed to tempt and he lied back down again.
As the girl walked past she noticed the little bear and walked over to get a closer look.
"Oh, Callie, look at this poor abandoned teddy bear here on the road. Isn't it cute?"
"Oh Myra, yes it is, why don't you pick it up and take it home?"
"I wonder who lost it, maybe I should leave it here in case they come looking for it."
"Myra, it looks old, I think it's been there for a while, just pick it up and lets go, we need to hurry, or we'll be late for out study group!"
The girl named Myra leaned over and picked the bear up. She slipped it into the messenger's bag she was carrying. Baal hadn't expected that it would be so simple to get close to these girls.
Baal wasn't very happy about being stuffed in a backpack, and he was quite happy when Myra took him out to show her friends.
"Look what I found on the side of the road you guys! Isn't he just adorable? I think I'm going to name him Saint Peter."Glancing around as he was shown off he noticed that the group he was in the presence of was the exact group of teenagers he had been sent to tempt. It surely was his lucky day.
The kids were studying Creationism science for their biology class. Baal saw this as a golden opportunity to net these kids, go back home a hero and finally get some badly needed rest.
"So, the great lord god created Adam and Eve and then cast them out. They then begot sons and daughters and from that the human race was created." Myra was saying when Baal stood up.
"And you believe that?" All of the kids looked at the bear shocked. They jumped back and their eyes became as big as dinner plates. Suddenly a blond girl sitting opposite Myra in the circle began screaming.
"Its possessed! Its possessed! Kill it now!" And she threw her book at Baal. It almost hit him but he jumped aside and it missed.
"C'mon," Baal said moving into the circle once again. "think about it, if there was only Adam and Eve when the world began and they only begot 3 sons and 2 daughters then there was some incest going on, which the bible and church are adamantly against."
Sandy was still screaming, and a guy named John was attempting to get her to quiet down. Everyone still looked shocked but it seemed Baal got them thinking.
"Ah, I see you guys are giving it some thought. Here's another little tidbit, The bible makes no mention of prehistoric monsters, yet we still get fossils that date back well past 2000 years ago."
There was a commotion as Sandy's backpack began to move. Something was squirming around within. It stopped soon after and one of the boys moved to open it and investigate.
"Be careful Jake, it might be a demon." Myra whispered.
"There are not demons in my backpack" Shouted Sandy and John again tried to keep her calm. "The only thing in there is my little stuffed duck." At this moment Jake opened the backpack and out jumped a little yellow stuffed duck.
"Don't listen to him! He doesn't know what he's talking about! The fossils were put here by the Devil to turn you away from god!" The duck called flapping it's wings for emphasis.
"Who in the holy hell are you?!" Baal said narrowing his eyes, investigating the duck closely.
"OH, he just said 'holy hell'! See, I told you he was a demon."
"Um, Mr. Duck, I'm a little curious who you are myself." Myra said looking quite confused.
"Oh, I am Daniel duck. Anyway," he said turning back to Baal "if Heaven, Hell and God don't exist, how do you explain us being here? If we aren't an angel and a demon, then what are we?"
"Well . . . Well . . ." he stuttered. Then he thought of it "Have you ever heard of Scientology? How do you know I'm not the soul of an alien trapped in a teddy bear's body, huh?"
"Oh, c'mon, you know Scientology is a crock." Daniel was right, only psychos like Tom Cruise believe in that sort of thing.
"Fine, then how about Buddhism." Baal thought he really had him right there.
"Do you really think human souls are reincarnated as stuffed animals?" Again, Daniel had a point. "Don't listen to this bear, he is Baal, he was sent here to tempt you guys." Myra looked shocked.
"Is this true?" she asked Baal.
"Absolutely not I ARG!" Daniel had jumped up on a table and picked up a cross. He ran at Baal and pushed it against him. Baal's lovely brown fur began to sizzle and he screamed.
Baal grabbed at Daniels wing that was holding the cross and began pull it hard. The seam started to rip and came off, throwing both Baal and Daniel backwards in opposite directions. Baal stood up with the huge cross shaped burn on his chest still smoking.
"Alright, you want a fight? BRING IT!" Daniel charged him and knocked him over. He successfully ripped off Baal's right arm with his beak and spat it onto the floor. Baal jumped on Daniel and rode him like a bronco, attempting to rip off one of his beady little plastic eyes.
Daniel eventually was able to buck him off without losing his eye. Daniel once again charged at Baal and instead of knocking him over he made him stumble backward, where he was impaled on a pencil that was sticking out of a book. It had earlier been used as a bookmark. Daniel waddled over to him.
"What part of the good side always wins don't you demons understand? See you at Ragnarok." Then he punched his remaining wing into Baal's chest and pulled out a hard little ball of stuffing that had been serving as a heart.
Baal found himself again in The Boss' waiting room with that horribly ugly woman in the horribly ugly blazer.
"Baal, The boss will see you now."
Baal entered the office, hanging his head and without waiting for The Boss to invite him to sit, he plopped onto the stiff backed chair.
"Baal, you have failed me again. You didn't even get one of those kids to seriously question their faith, AND you got your ass kicked by an angel in a stuffed duck's body. I already warned you about failing this time. I'm putting you back right where I found you. You have been demoted," as The Boss said this a janitorial uniform dropped in his lap. "You are to report to the Imp's sector at 8 AM tomorrow, you will be scrubbing their toilets."
Baal couldn't even bring himself to protest. He knew that there was no way to change The Boss' mind. He stood up, his head still down, and walked from the office with the uniform in his hand.
He reported to his new boss at 8 the next morning and was given bleach, sponges and a toilet brush. He grimly spent the majority of his day on his knees, cleaning the disgusting filth that covered the floors of the imps bathroom, every now and then having to scrub the same area after an imp came in and left his ugly little hoof prints all over the place.
About 15 minutes before his shift of hell was going to end a man walked in.
"Why, hello Baal." He said and Baal jolted from the haze he had been in all day as he cleaned the filthy bathroom.
"Azal, why are you down here?"
"Oh, I came to visit you." He said in that smarmy voice he always used. "I thought you might like to hear about how I've gained 15 souls in the last 2 days." He told Baal as he washed his hands and fixed his hair in the mirror.
"How wonderful for you."
"No need to be rude." He dried his hands. "I shall now take my leave. Enjoy scrubbing those urinals, and don't forget to change the cakes." He moved to walk out. "Oh, and one more thing," He turned and looked Baal right in the eyes with an evil little smile. "You should know that Scientology is a crock." He turned away, laughing, and walked out.