Pretty much a joke, written whilst hyper on sugar and Red Bull. Read if you want.
So, hello, Lorna here *awkward wave* and I was typing out my latest chapter from my mafia Frerard when I realized that there is actually no rule book to writing fan fiction and well I thought this would be pretty awesome to do. I did this with the help of my mate Gearoid (hence the Italian greeting, him being....Italian) because we were talking (he knows I write fan fic) and discussing all the shit that goes down in thw world of fan fiction. This is pretty much a joke but it was pretty damn fun to write.
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS JUST FOR AMUSEMENT PURPOSES ONLY, I DO NOT THINK OF MYSELF AS LIKE THE JESUS/MOHAMMED/BUDDHA/CHUCK NORRIS OF FAN FICTION. DO NOT TAKE OFFENCE AT ANYTHING HERE. OKAY, COOL, THANKS, WHY AM I STILL IN CAPS FUCK I THINK THE LOCK IS BROKEN oh there we go
The Fan Fiction Bible
The Gospel According to Lorna Ni Ionnrachtaigh & Gearoid di Mesrocetti
1. To Ship Or Not To Ship
This is fairly basic; what couple you're into. For me particularly, it's Frerard/Ferard, which is comprised of Frank Iero and Gerard Way, who, unless you live under a rock and do not posses an iPod, are the rhythm guitarist and lead singer of My Chemical Romance. Whether you ship Hermoine X Malfoy, Gerard and Ray or even, I dunno, icecubes and water then hell, go for it, but make it tasteful. For example, it may be super fun to write smut (perverts HELL YEAH) between two grown men in yuor favourite band, but don't, for the love of God, involve kids. I did have a child rape thing in my fic, but the kid was ficitonal. Bandit's a child, guys. And fan fiction writers we may be, but we have still have souls.
Yeah, we do. But you get my drift. Frankie and Gee getting it on: good stuff. Bandit/whatever Frank's kids are called because I don't know because he stashes them away from us being fucked: nuh uh. Pretty sure that's illegal, guys. We should leave it to The Clash to fight the law.
2. OC's and How To Avoid Them
Okay, well, I'm not THAT big of an OC (Original Character) fan, mainly because I just don't write that. The thing is, fuck, I dunno, guys, I think sometimes they're a bit too original, if you get me. And by 'original' I mean generic as fuck. They all wear eyeliner, they're all outcasts who don't fit in/get bullied relentlessly/et cetera they only wear band tees and skinny jeans (which are HELLA uncomfortable, by the way) and then a member of MCR (Gerard or Frank usually) walks into the picture and BOOM eye contact and they muse over mutual love for Misfits or art or something and then they're a couple within like minutes. Call me a cynic, but please, please, PLEASE PLEASE, when you make up characters/hold auditions, please make them original. Maybe like a pirate or a samarai warrior? Like, 'hey, I'm Lorna, I'm seventeen, I hail from the Hau-lin temple, I dig MCR.' How's that versus Mary Sue?
3. Waycest: Come At Me Bro
Oh my God, I am a fucking genius for that title. Seriously, it took me ten minutes to come up with that shit.
Okay, well, I have only ever writen one Waycest (as opposed to fifty kajillion Frerards), but from what I read on FicWad, some people pretty much wanna kill it. I see people being like 'IT'S SO IMMORAL AND GROSS AND EW GERARD AND MIKEY WOULD NEVER DO THE NASTY EW YOU SICKO TAKE SOME XANAX JEEZ'
Une: We all know Mikey and Gerard do not fuck in their spare time, as they have wives et cetera, and the same goes for Frerard/Fray whatever. There's this great ol word called FICTION: meaning not true, make pretend, not real, did not happen.
Deux: Really? You're gonna get on your high horse on a fan fiction website? You have the fucking audacity to call it immoral when you write shamelessly about Frank sucking Gerard's dick/vice versa or someone raping someone or someone being a vampire or something? And yet writing about that is so bad. I'm sorry, call me an idiot, I don't get it. You wanna be high and mighty? Save it for the justice system, honey. This ain't Law & Order.
Trois: Ever heard the phrase 'each to their own'? As in, I don't like oranges, I don't eat oranges, you like oranges, but that's okay and we can still be homies? Yeah, that. Some people like Waycest. Deal with it.
All in all, if you hate on someone who happens to write a Waycest, fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
4. Troll, Troll, Wherefore Art Thou, Troll?
I have been the victim of one severely mentally unstablr troll who goes by the name of suzyrevenge. She's sent me death threats, she's called me a cunt and a slut t**g, she's downed my stories....need some advise about trolling? Fuck em. Just kick your head back, pop open a can of Coke and fuck em right to Hell. They're mostly thirteen year olds who have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than to critisize your story et cetera. Flip em off and tell them a Your Mom joke or summat.
And to trolls: kiss your sweet, trollin' ass goddbye, man. We FicWaddians are vicious and relentless in our revenge.
5. Assholes Need Not Apply
Okay, kinda related to the last one, but seriously: we don't need assholes on this site. Don't be a narcisitic little cunt and shoot down other authors, or even boast about how you won the latest Pulitzer Prize. Calm your jizz, man. I don't think I really need to extend this point.
6. Good Grammar. Bitches Dig Good Grammar.
Seriously, guys. Nine times out of ten a good story is just wasted away because the author was too lazy to spell check or go over words/tenses etc. You could be motherfucking Rowling in disguise but you might just feck your plot up by bad spelling. I'm desperate at spelling guys; I'm motherfucking dyslexic and I'm blind as a bat. (I have those big-ass black rimmed hipsters be wearing nowadays) I can barely spell cat, let alone some bigass word like oxymoron or discipher or something. Please go over grammar, spell check and speech tags. Please. It makes such a big difference and will definitely improve you writing skills for the future.
7. VIVA LA GAY SEX!!!!!!
Is it weird that I personally think gay sex pwns straight sex by like 9835%? I mean, seriously now, what in fucking God's name is better than detailed, sloppy, oh-my-God-seriously-I-am-getting-turned-the-fuck-on-what-is-this-witchcraft man smut. I mean, I'm straight (shit happens though) and I am very happily dating a guy, but dude, gay smut is awesome. I think, however, that certain writers are especially skilled at le gay intercourse. Like they're fucking masters at their craft. They do it so well, the words flow from them like wine from a bottle. When I write smut it's like:
"They kissed. And then....well....y'know..."
8. Fuck Yeah, Fluff
The art of the fluff is an ancient and sometimes legnthy, toughening process. It requires and demands your greatest writing strengths and implores you to stretch your petty weaknesses. Writing fluff is like doing an operation:
-you can get it right and earn the respect of many by writing fluff so amazing, so heart touching and sweet they are moved to tears by the utter emotion and rawness. They give you their undying thanks and gratitude and walk away with shimmering tears in their eyes. Their lives are changed forever more and
-or you fuck up so badly everyone hates you. Yeah, pretty much.
(Did I ACTUALLY just compare fan fiction writing and operating on someone? Yes, yes, I did.)
9. For The Love of God, If You Like Something Review It
I mean, I could goddamn beat this horse dead but I still won't get justice. I mean, pour example, I open up my account and see that I have, say, 175 views on my story. AND LIKE ONE REVIEW? Some of the best stories are on here, lads, some of the most talented authors I've ever seen are on here and wow, they get like two reviews. Is it really that big of an ask to ask that someone signs in and comments on your shiz? Hell, we don't even have high standards, even an 'THIS FUCKING SUX I HOPE U FUCKING DIE' will do, man. Let the author know you dig their shit. They've probably worked hella hard on that and would appreciate some feedback.
10. I Don't Like Violence, Tom, I'm A Businessman
(IF YOU GOT THAT REFERENCE THAN YOU'RE FUCKING AWESOME AND LET'S GET MARRIED)
Basically...relating to my two earlier posts, if you ain't got nothing nice to say about a fic, don't say it. Constructive critisism is a-okay but yelling at someone (via the internetz) about their shit and being totally rude about it is uncalled for. FicWad is not like the association for Nobel Lit winners, it's for fan fiction. Before you wanna go completely Christian Bale on someone's ass about how shitty their fic is, remember people have feelings too, dude. Like I don't read killjoy stories (except 'The Girls and Us' and 'My Name Is Violet Rage' because they are written by amazing people and are genuinely excellent) but I don't go ratting on someone's fic because I don't happen to like it.
I'm not trying to be holier-than-thou for writing this, it was just a laugh. We hope you enjoyed it and hey, stick around. We'll buy you a drink.
-Lornaigh Ni Ionnrachtaigh/unitedsuck007
-Gearoid di Mesrocetti who doesn't fucking have a FicWad account because he's a dumbass