For the first time in ever... Kassidy wasn't confiding in me and that... that hurt.
"Why do you have sex Ryan?" God, that was most definitely not a question I ever expected to get asked by Kassidy. Her murky green eyes were trained on me, forcing me to answer the question.
"It feels good." Well, it really did feel good. What other explanation could I give?
"But... don't you want it to mean something?"
"It does mean something." I replied.
"Every single time, with every single girl?" She was really pressing the subject.
"I- yeah." They kind of did, at the time of the act.
Kassidy bit her lip and looked away, causing a tremor of guilt to pass through my body. I was lying to her. I hated doing that. "Sex is just something some people do." This was already sounding awful. "It doesn't always mean something ... though it really should." I paused, unable to make the words come out how I wanted them to. "It's never meant anything past physical pleasure to me but that's not something that I'm proud of."
Kassidy nodded, watching me intently. The fact that her eyes had returned to me didn't really make me feel any better. "If a girl didn't want to... have sex with you then you probably wouldn't date her, would you?"
"I'm not a great example of the type of guy you want to be with." I blurted out, blushing.
"I actually have someone in mind." Kassidy replied, gaining my full attention.
"Yeah, who?" Maybe I was a little too eager sounding but I couldn't help it.
"He goes to our school..." Kassidy traced her finger along the lines in the couch, now avoiding eye contact with me. "And he has the most beautiful smile. Every time his lips curl up my heart stops, then the words that pass his lips makes the beating resume." Her face instantly lit up. "I-I... don't repeat that ever, please!"
Kassidy was poetic. It was another thing about her that I loved. She was a hopeless romantic and would be until the day she died. That broke my heart. I didn't want her to be in love with another person but I wanted her to be happy. "W-" I swallowed, looking away as well. "Who is he?"
"Um, you wouldn't like my answer Ry... So can we just not go there?"
I frowned, worried thoughts running through my head. What if she liked one of the drug addicts at our school? There were so fucking many to choose from. What if she liked that one guy that dated Alice last year? Rumors went around the school that he had been hitting her. So many what if's poisoned my good mood and I found the frown staying in place. "... Do I know him?" I mean, I figured. How else would I not like him? I had to ask the question though. I had to know more, even if that inch of information led me nowhere.
"Yeah. Yeah, you do." Kassidy replied, licking her lips.
The doorbell startled me, as I searched for answers I could ask without being too intrusive. "I'll get that." Kassidy said, after a second of silence.
I trailed behind her, numbly.
"KASSIDY!" Rang through our entire house and I covered my ears, rolling my eyes.
"Hey Jake!" Kassidy's lips curved in to a gorgeous smile and Jake handed me the pizza so that he could wrap his arms around my sister. Their hug lasted a little too long for my comfort. I'd never liked Jake. He was in my grade, therefore a year older than Kassidy. They'd been best friends for two years now though and I couldn't seem to get her to change her mind. He was trouble. From the wrong side of the tracks, etc, etc. I just couldn't quite place it. There was something I didn't like about him though.
Mostly it was just because he hugged Kassidy a lot.
I set the pizza down and grabbed my cash, handing it to Jake. He barely paid attention to me. "So, are you coming to the party tomorrow?"
I cleared my throat. "Party?"
"I might." Kassidy replied, carelessly.
"The one at Aaron's?" I asked, butting in.
"That'd be the one." Jake answered, clearly annoyed with me. He also didn't like me. I didn't care. I wasn't okay with too many guys getting close to Kassidy. It didn't feel right. My entire body would shake in rage at the idea of one of those guys hurting her and... I just lost control. I couldn't help myself. I loved her. I truly fucking loved her, in a way that a brother should never love his sister.
"We aren't going." I answered coldly.
"We?" Kassidy asked, wrinkling her nose. "I might go with Lily."
"I have shit to do tomorrow. Why don't you just stay in? I'll bring you home take out for dinner." I bargained.
Kassidy sighed, clearly upset. "Goodnight Jake."
Once the door was shut I followed her to the couch, pizza in hand.
"What's wrong?" I finally asked.
"Why don't you trust me?" The words displayed how hurt Kassidy felt. I hated how her emotions showed clearly through each word she spoke.
"I trust you completely."
"You don't trust me alone." Kassidy responded, staring at the piece of pizza she hadn't even started eating yet. "It's like you think I'm completely incapable of protecting myself from the world. I'm not eight years old anymore Ryan."
I blushed, knowing exactly what she was talking about. "I don't treat you like you're eight." When she was eight years old, someone in her class picked on her. It was some boy. That boy was a bully. He followed her home from school and knocked her books out of her hands. I'd come to the rescue, as always. I didn't want anyone to hurt Kassidy, no matter how small the damage would be. I broke the boys arm. I would've gotten in to a shit ton of trouble had our father not had the money that he had.
"You do. You always have." Kassidy sighed heavily. "You can't follow me everywhere for the rest of my life. Every now and then I'm going to have to learn how to do things on my own, like stand up for myself... I don't think that I ever have because you've always been there."
"I didn't know this was a problem."
"It is." Kassidy's words hurt me. If I wasn't protecting her then I felt useless. "Because I'm growing up Ry... and my feelings for this boy are strong. I want to be the kind of girl that can stand on her own feet. I want him to see me as strong and independent. I don't want him to..." She swallowed, "I don't want him to think he has to protect me because you always have. I'm not that kind of girl."
"Your feelings are strong?" I rolled my eyes, becoming bitter. "You and Kyle just fucking broke up!"
"Don't yell at me." Kassidy's tone turned cold.
"I'm sorry." We rarely fought. I hated being the one to hurt Kassidy... So I made sure I wasn't. If I was; I fixed that problem immediately. I would never let her hate me. I wouldn't be able to live with that. I would make her happy and... despite her protests I would protect her at all costs. "I'll be out until midnight tomorrow... How about I pick you up and we go to the party together?" I could see her lips forming a protest so I cut in. "It's out of convenience. Then you can go party with whoever."
Kassidy stood, placing her piece of pizza back in to the box. "I'm actually not all that hungry. Goodnight."
What did I do wrong?
Kassidy wasn't acting how she usually acted.
I allowed twenty minutes to pass before I began climbing the stairs to Kassidy's bedroom. The lights were off but I could hear music quietly playing.
I knocked three times, letting the noise seep through her room.
"Come in." She called, sounding exhausted.
"I'm sorry." I apologized once again.
Kassidy sat up in bed, shaking her head. "No, I'm the one that should be sorry... and believe me I am. I don't know what's wrong with me lately." I sat next to her, leaning back against her pillows.
I held my breath temporarily as Kassidy's head fell against my chest. She pulled the blankets over us. "Have you ever..." She stopped suddenly, "Nevermind."
"No, go ahead and ask." I urged her.
"Have you ever felt ... for a person that you know you shouldn't?" Kassidy's words were getting quieter and quieter, making me strain to hear her.
"Yes." There was no hesitation behind my answer. I knew feeling for Kassidy was wrong but I felt the way I did anyway. The next part of my answer did have to be forced however because the thought of another man taking Kassidy away from me, though I knew I could never have her, left me feeling tortured. "I think if you really feel as strongly as you say you do... it shouldn't matter. You should do what you want, with who you want. The world thinks so many things are wrong... when in all truth it comes down to what we think is wrong. If you feel wrong feeling for him then that is wrong but... if you only feel wrong because you think you have to then that isn't a very good reason to not be with him."
Kassidy was silent for a few minutes until the song ended and a new one came on. "Thank you Ryan." Then I felt the wet tears against my chest. What was going on with her? For the first time in ever... Kassidy wasn't confiding in me and that... that hurt.