Title from Coldplay's the scientist :)
I walk the familiar route to the room i've come to dread entering. The hospital i hate visiting, the person i destroyed in a night. I peer through the glass windows, he looks peaceful, almost as though he's falling asleep. No Donna, no Donald, No Mikey. I slowly push the door open and his eyes are on me, it's as though i've been thrown beneath a spotlight and everyone in the world is watching. I can't mess up this time, i won't get a second chance.
"Hey." I almost whisper.
"I told you to go." He says matter of factly.
"I did, but now i'm back. You let me go because you thought i couldn't hack it, you thought i'd run away eventually, you thought one day i'd just get up and not come back again. Fat chance of that happening Gerard, we're in this together, why can't you just let me be here for you? Why can't you just believe that no matter what state either of us is in i'm not going anywhere?"
There's nothing but a silence from him. I walk a few paces more slowly, so i don't startle him and i take his hand, wipe away the few escaped tears with my thumb and softly kiss his forehead before spending the night propped up in the chair next to his bed.
The next day)
My eyelids flicker open and the bones of my spine click and crack as i extend my back to look over at Gerard who is still fast asleep. He looks almost like a child, like an innocent creature that's never known pain or been scarred. His white skin is as smooth as silk and i remind myself again of my luck, and how he was mine again, and he would remain that way, for good.
"Oh." I turn around to see a nurse clutching a tub of water and a towel. "I didn't realise he had company." She said apologetically.
"No, it's fine. You're cleaning him, right?" I say pointing to the tools in her hands.
"Yes, i'll wake him soon and he'll then have his bed bath, you may go and wait outside while i do that."
"No, actually it's okay. I need to learn what to do anyway, for when he's out of here." I reply, and it's true, i should learn to do this stuff. It's important for him and therefore, it's important to me too. "Well judging by the meeting we had this morning, that will be just in time for christmas." Christmas? That was just three weeks away! He was coming home and for that, i was overcome with blessings and gratefulness.
"So, that must have been an experience?" Gerard almost asked as the nurse carted away the water and towel. "It was certainly... new." I responded. "Weird if i'm honest, but hey that's what you get for dating a weird guy."
He laughs. "It is and that's what i get for dating a short guy." He teases pointing at my slightly platformed doc martens. "The doctors say you'll be out soon." I tell him, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "I know. Mom's gonna be happy." He says sighing slightly, he was worried about normality and the possible and almost certain lack of it. But we would all try our hardest to make it as normal as we could. It was about adapting. All of us, not just him.
"You should get to work." Gerard says after a few moments silence. "Mikey and Mom will be here soon and Dad's coming in later, i won't be alone for long." He smiles reassuringly.
" No, i'll wait until they get here." I say adamant.
"Go to work!" He yells making us both laugh at his false anger.
"Fine but i have a surprise for you this weekend." And with that i reluctantly turn away, plotting away in my head.
I sit in the silence taking all the rush in. The beeping, the wheelchairs, the commands of doctors and nurses. This would all be gone soon. Gone like my school days, my innocent times, the ease and simplicity of living. Sure sometimes i wanted to go away for good, i didn't want to go on in a world of deceit, but i survived and now i faced doing the same, but this time it was going to be much harder than before.
Mom and Mikey were happy about my homecoming, they were planning all kinds of celebrations and surprises for me so i could get "the welcome back i had earned, for being so strong." Strong? Look at me, look properly. Have i been strong? No, i haven't and it's because i care too much. Because life can do terrible, ugly things.
THREE MORE CHAPTERS TO GO! :) xx