Mikey's worst nightmare is coming true and he's retrieving into himself. How will he make it through?
They sit silently for a little bit as he just focuses on having her in his arms and stroking her long, black hair. He keeps his eyes on her face as it glows orange in the rising sun. Her eyes are barely open and her breathing is coming out in shallow, short breathes. He can't stop watching her because he doesn't want to miss a single second.
He feels her hands intertwine with his and squeezing them as tight as she can. He wants to say 'don't leave me', he wants to say 'I need you' but none of it would make a difference. Her grip on him grows weaker and weaker as she slowly fades. The sun slowly rising infront of them, lighting up the couple as Alicia closes her eyes for the last time.
The pain in his chest explodes as he feels her go limp in his arms. He turns her over in his arms and shakes her lightly, watching her slack face as she doesn't react to his action.
"Alicia... no... not yet... Alicia!" He screams as tears fall freely down his face. He hugs her close, holding her limp body in his arms and crying into her shoulder.
"No no no no no no....." He cries over and over as he rocks gently back and forth. The sun keeps rising on a new day as his life ends right there with her. He sits with her for about an hour, but it feels like one second. Nobody has the heart to interween as Mikey holds his wife for the last time. Eventually the medical staff comes outside and forces him to let them take her away. It takes the strength of Gerard and their bodyguard Worm to hold him back as they put his wife gently on a gurney and takes her inside.
"Noooo!!! Please!!" Mikey screams as he falls to the ground and cries into his hands. Worm backs away quietly as he notices that Gerard can handle it now. Gerard falls to the ground next to his brother and holds him close, his own tears sliding down his cheeks as his brother's sobs breaks his heart more by the second. It takes a long time but Gerard stays with him until he stops crying hysterically.
As noon aproaches they sit close together on the lawn, Gerard holding his brothers hand on the cool grass as Mikey stares off to the horizon. Silent tears fall from his eyes from time to time as he stares over at the water, the sun now high on the sky and shining brightly on a day that no one will ever forget. The wonderful weather feels almost mocking.
Mikey doesn't feel his brother's hand rubbing his shoulder, he doesn't feel the cold grass underneath him or the wind on his bare arms. He's oblivious to the fact that Gerard drapes a blanket over him. The only thing he feels is pain.. An unbearable pain in his chest that consumes him, closes up his lungs and explodes through his body.
After that moment of intense emotions and desperate sobs, Mikey completely shuts off to the outside world. He's gone into himself and his eyes are as empty as he feels inside.
The day has been going on around him for hours and hours. Gerard had coffee with his wife Lindsey. Frank sat with him for a while and so did his wife Jamia. Alicia's best friend Sarah came by for a while and tried to talk to him. But to him it felt like just minutes passed and by sunset he was in a near catatonic state, sitting there on the grass.
They somehow got him over to his brother's place because when he starts to come back a little bit to the outside world again he notices he's now on a couch with a blanket around him. He's curled up in one corner and everything is deafingly silent around him.
His eyes are stinging and wet and his head is pounding as yesterday slowly starts coming back to him piece by piece. He looks out the window in the big livingroom as the sun starts rising again and the pain seeps back into his chest, cutting off his air supply. New tears are rolling down his cheeks as pictures from the last sunrise flash quickly through his mind.
He curls up closer on the couch as he rests his head against the back and keeps his eyes out the window on the world that's getting lighter and clearer by the second. He can't make sense of anything spinning around in his head right now so he focuses on the sunrise as his body aches for everything he's lost.
The day starts up and Mikey returns to his shut off, catatonic state as the family in the house slowly wakes up and comes downstairs. Bandit is glancing at her uncle from time to time with worry and confusion. She's so used to Mikey playing with her and smiling at her and now he's not even looking at her. She looks almost sad so Gerard and Lindsey decide to take her into the kitchen.
"Daddy.. I was playing." She whines and he nods somberly.
"I know sweetie, but we need to stop for a while ok? We have to talk to you." Gerard tells her and she nods slowly. Lindsey starts crying quietly and Bandit climbs up into her lap and hugs her tightly.
"Why sad, mama?" She asks curiously but he can tell she's getting worried.
"We were at the hospital yesterday sweetie, that's why we were gone so long. Because you know Alicia's been really sick." Bandit just nods her head as Lindsey strokes her hair.
"There was nothing they could do to help her so Alicia went to be with the angels yesterday." He explains as new tears starts to fall from his eyes. They had tried, for weeks now, to explain to Bandit what dying was and what would most likely happen.. but it was hard.
"The angels in heaven?" She asks as her eyes grow shiny.
"Yes, sweetie. She's in heaven now." Lindsey cries and holds her daughter tighter. The sight of both her parents crying makes tears spring to her eyes but they're not quite sure she understands. For now they just needed her to know that Aunt Alicia isn't coming back.
Back in the livingroom Mikey has gone back to crying as he lies down on the couch and burries his face in the many pillows. He's aware of his surroundings but his mind keeps him spaced out as he sighs and tries to bury himself in the blankets and pillows. Wishing he could just disappear into nothing.. Would the pain go away then? That's all he wants.
Mikey is slightly aware of people being up and he listens to the sounds in the kitchen. It feels nice and comfortable to hear someone awake and doing something. He turns over a bit and looks up into the clear blue skies. But he doesn't really see anything... He sees her face. That's all he wants to see. He think about their last moment together as tears keep falling, he thinks about the moment he found out she was sick again and the long struggle to get better. She was so scared and he thinks about the nights he held her close as she cried. He thinks about the way she faded away infront of his eyes over the months. The reason for him to live faded away right infront of him and he couldn't do anything about it.
So what does he do now? How can he live now when she's gone... Gone forever and never coming back to him. He feels his lungs close up again as he keeps crying into his arms, hiding his face and sobbing quietly.
She's gone now... gone. He's not going to wake up from this fucking nightmare and have her back. She's just gone and he's left here alone and the feeling is choking him. He can't. There's no life without her and now he just feels like he's drowning.
"Don't be sad." He hears a whispers as someone climbs on to the couch and he almost wants to crie harder as he realizes who the tiny voice comes from. He looks up to lock eyes with his 5 year old niece as she climbs across the couch to sit next to him.
"Mama says aunti is with the angels." She says sadly and Mikey just nods and he almost loses his breath. He can see Bandit's lip starts quivering as she turns her head around and hides. His heart breaks a little bit more as he reaches out and strokes the little girls dark hair.
"Sweetie..." He whispers, turning her so she has to look at him. Big tears falling from her big, brown eyes. He bites his tongue and wipes her cheek.
"It's ok to be sad." He tells her shakily as new tears fall and she nods and throws herself into his arms. He holds her close as they cry and he strokes her hair softly. After a while she moves to just sit in her uncles lap and leans back against him, wiping her eyes.
"Miss her.." She whispers and Mikey nods slowly.
"Me too, honey.. Me too." He says sadly as he holds his niece close. Her sad face and kind heart filling him up as he struggles to not break down even more.
Lindsey walks into the room with a pot of coffe and a tray of brunch and mugs to put on the table. She stops for a second as her eyes fall on her daughter in Mikey's lap, then she walks over and puts the tray down on the table and sits down next to them. Their eyes meet and he reaches out to take her hand, squeezing it lightly. She squeezes back with a nod before turning on the TV and pouring some coffee. She should have known that Bandit was the one to bring Mikey out of his catatonic state.. at least for a bit.
That morning goes a bit differently as Lindsey just doesn't have the heart to take Bandit away from her uncle. She thinks they need each other and she just can't break them up. She tries to be a good mom, she tries to get Bandit to eat but the morning is different and filled with exceptions. That's ok right now. Lindsey leans back with her coffee and turns on some cartoons for them to watch, biting back her tears and Mikey kisses his niece's head gently.
The morning slowly starts to near noon and Bandit it still content in her uncle's arms. She has never, in 5 years, seen her daughter this calm and somber, it breaks her heart. Gerard eventually comes downstairs from his shower and stops at the sight, slowly walking over and sitting next to her, taking her hand.
"How long have they been like that?" He whispers and Lindsey leans into her husbands chest.
"Since she got out of the kitchen." She whispers back and he nods slowly, putting his arms around her.
Eventually Bandit falls asleep and Lindsey goes to pick her up but Mikey shakes his head.
"It's ok, I can take her up." He says roughly and she just nods with a weak smile.
"Of course." She whispers and he picks her up gently in his arms and carries her up the stairs. When Mikey is out of view she breaks down in tears and falls into her husbands arms. She held it together for so long and now she just lets go, the sorrow and pain pouring out as Gerard holds her and lets her cry.
When Mikey doesn't come down for a while, Gerard sneaks up to his daughter's room where he finds Mikey in the comfy chair, watching Bandit with tears flowing down his cheeks. Bandit is sleeping peacefully, no idea the effects she's having on her uncle. Gerard walks in and sits down on the armrest of the chair, stroking his little brothers hair gently. Mikey sighs shakily and leans into his brothers chest, always a comfort growing up but not really doing the trick anymore.. not this time.
"She was pregnant." He whispers after a while, no longer able to hold onto the knowledge himself. He can feel Gerard tense up as he keeps on shaking, curled up in the big chair.
"Oh.. Mikey." Gerard sighs sadly as he slides down and pulls Mikey in to his arms. The younger Way being a bit taller but at the time feeling much, much smaller. He feels safe as his big brother holds him but the pain in his chest tares at his insides as he cries silently in the comforting embrace. He feels like the tears will never end and the pain will never go away. How will he survive this?