Frank has a crisis, while Gerard ponders baby names....
I struggle into my red skinnies and just about make it. These were mine from a year ago, before i lost weight, but now i'm pregnant, thus gaining it again. For women, it's quite simple. Stroll into every decent clothing shop and you find a maternity section, buy yourself a pretty flowery top to hide your stomach and match it up with a pair of polka dot leggings or something. But men? Or just me. WE FUCKING HAVE TO SUFFER THIS OBSTACLE AND WALK AROUND DRESSED UP LIKE GENIES OR SOMETHING?! DOESN'T ANYONE GET IT?! I NEED MATERNITY WEAR TOO!
Breathe, one, two, three. Okay so i sounded even more of a woman there but come on! I can't wear a decent shirt without my belly button pushing it outwards and almost tearing the seam wide open and i look like a blamanche! The only good shirt i own is pink! And my so grateful boyfriend tells me i look great? I look fucking great? I look like a flamingo baked in strawberry jam! And i don't even like strawberry Jam, or flamingoes, or my boyfriend..... Well, actually he's okay sometimes, when he's asleep, or visiting his mother, or at work and forgets his phone. No, okay i adore the guy but the calling is getting a little crazy. Every hour, on the hour he calls. "You okay?" "The baby's not hurting you, is it?" "Has there been blood?" "Are you eating?" " Have you had to go to the tiolet alot?" Hmmm. I need to ban him from those what to expect when you're expecting books. And let's face it, it's me they're aimed at, not skinny, handsome, attractive boyfriend who likes bleaching his hair every other week. He's going to be bald soon, if not from bleaching his hair, from worrying!
I glance around my class, they're working in dead silence, everyone's concentrating far too hard to even try to talk about, what Brooke did at Lennons party or = wait, Brooke? No, no, no. That just reminds me of Hulk Hogan's daughter, or some wrestler who danced around with these other two girls and then left mysteriously. Well, actually her contract ended but i didn't know at the time, either way it was pretty shocking.
This name thing was taking my focus off guard big time. I had work to mark, i had cups of coffee to make, i had candles to light, feet to rub, Frank's generous insistence. -_- I didn't mind too much i guess, i mean it's what alot of fathers to be are put through, but i bet their wives cut their toenails and scrape dead skin off the bottom beforehand. Then again, you would need a sander to do that to franks feet. Or a super strength nail file. I seriously hope our kid takes after me in the hygeine department. Purely for the sake of other kids. Could you imagine if this kid has dreads like Frank used to? Or if it came out smelling of pot and playing air guitar?! No, actually that would be pretty rad, i wouldn't complain anyway. "Mr Way?" One name the kid would not be having would be that of blondie bitch who still seems obsessed with me. The more i fight her off and make her work life a misery, the more she seems to enjoy terrorising me with her fake skintone and overly flirty winks and making me want to bang my head really hard off a brick wall. Has anyone given her directions to the Playboy Mansion? Because i'm not Hugh Hefner and even if i was, i would not have THAT living in my house.
"What?" I reply as the class all glance between the two of us.
"Can i borrow you outside for a moment please?"
And the kids all gasp at me directness to the whore. She does this on a regular basis. I actually followed once and she tried to jump me, NEVER HAPPENING AGAIN. "Oh well i guess, i'll have to tell Frank to go home then>" She teased.
"Wait!" I screamed diving at her. "Look after my kids- i mean teenagers, i mean uh!" They're not my kids, i don't even like half of them.
"Frank! Hey!" I smile hugging him. "How are you?"
"I'm all good actually, despite my wardrobe options. I came to save you from work by looking up baby names!"
"They won't let me off work for that." I point out.
"That's why i told them i had a really bad case of sickness and diarhoea and needed you to take me to hospital." He grins mscheviously at me.
And this is why he's the best of the best.