It wasn’t beautiful, it was anything but.
We walked in to the club together holding hands with the intention of finding our friends. Hayley was a little tired, I could tell. She could barely hold back the yawns at this point. I just wanted to take her back to my hotel room and hold her. I could only imagine what it would be like to wake up with her wrapped up in my arms.
I became slightly peeved as we pushed our way through the crowd, my senses assaulted by the scent of other people. I wanted to go back outside where I could smell Hayley all over me. It had been completely unexpected but welcome in every single way. Her body against mine; I would never get enough.
“Hey, isn’t that your friend Spencer? Oh shit… He’s dancing with Amy. Aww, that’s kind of cute… Oh wait, what are they doing?” I listened to Hayley’s voice and the way her tone changed until she finally stopped and buried her face in my chest, groaning in distaste.
Spencer and Amy were basically undressing each other on the dance floor, doing things that normally wouldn’t be done in public. How had no one stopped them? Oh, right. We were rock stars. No one stopped us. That was the painful truth. We got away with things most people wouldn’t. I doubted a security guard would touch Spencer.
“Can we find someone else?” Hayley finally asked, not glancing towards our friends again. I couldn’t blame her. I loved Spencer but I didn’t want to see him having almost sex on a dance floor. We weren’t friends in that sense.
I laughed, holding on to her body. “Yeah, Ryan is probably hanging out with Jon outside. We can go talk to them and have them pass the message for us.”
“The message? What message?” Hayley glanced up at me, her face screwed up in to a look of utter confusion.
“Spencer is going to take Amy back to his hotel room tonight. That much is clear.” I commented, glancing at them one last time before looking away for good. “So, why can’t I take you back to mine?”
Hayley smiled before nodding, surprisingly agreeing with me. “I guess that’s fair. I kick in my sleep though.”
“I know, you’ve told me.” Even being kicked by her sounded romantic at the moment, anything would so long as I was with her.
Ryan and Jon were outside together, just as I expected. It seemed someone was mercilessly hitting on Jon while Ryan impatiently waited. “Brendon! Dude, it’s about time… Fuck, never mind. Why can’t anyone just be single like me?”
I couldn’t help but laugh, “You’ve only been single for a few days Ry.”
“Yeah, well it sucks.”
“Then hook up. It’s not that hard. I’ve seen you do it a million times.” I commented, tightening my grasp on Hayley’s hand.
“Leah would get pissed off at me.” Ryan stated, rolling his eyes. “We’re broken up but it won’t be like that for long. This is my suffering period. She likes those. Doesn’t every woman?” He glanced at Hayley and shook his head, “You seem nice. I’m sorry. I’m kind of drunk and I don’t want to have sex but at the same time I really want to have sex. Ever have a night like that?”
“I can’t say that I ever have.” Hayley awkwardly responded. “But I wish you the best.”
Ryan smiled in return, “Thank you. I wish you the best in getting laid, because I know that’s what Brendon is always out doing.” Great. Thank you so much Ryan Ross.
“Is that right?” Hayley sounded curious but this wasn’t exactly what I wanted her to be informed of.
“Yeah, he’s a man-whore.” Ryan sighed heavily. “I’m drunk. I should go to bed. Jon take me to bed!” He loudly yelled.
“Yeah sorry sweetheart, we’ve got to get to bed.” I nearly choked on laughter as Jon inched towards Ryan, throwing his arm around him.
Hello, gay scandal. Welcome to our band.
“So, you two are heading back already?” Damn. I was hoping they could spread the word for us. I really wanted to get Hayley back to bed with me. I was done with being out in public. I couldn’t do what I wanted. I couldn’t say what I wanted. At this point I just wanted to hold her. Why was the world so against that?
“Yeah.” Well, I had to at least try.
“Well, see you in the morning. Well, okay more like the afternoon.”
Jon nodded, “See ya! Hey, Hayley… I’m glad you stuck around.” He extended his hand and Hayley shook it. “He was really heartbroken for like ever without you, he couldn’t even have sex, and that’s saying something when it comes to him.” I was almost too afraid to go talk to Spencer now. Did every single one of my band mates have something to say about my whoring ways? Had no one ever heard of helping to make a good impression? The idea was lost on us all evidently.
Hayley just nodded, seeming somewhat confused.
“You can stay out here if you want.” I commented, noticing that she looked exhausted. “I can track down Spencer and Amy and let them know.”
Hayley nodded once again, “Oh, okay sure.” Seconds later, as if to reinforce the idea that getting back to the hotel would be wonderful rain began to fall.
“Want me to walk you to your truck first?” I glanced around, scanning the area for potential threats. I wasn’t an idiot and I wasn’t about to let Hayley get harmed while I could avoid it.
“No, it’s okay. It’d probably be faster if you just went and tracked them down. I’ll be fine.” Before I could object Hayley leaned forward, pressing her lips to mine. That action took away my ability to think, let alone speak. In a blissful trance I nodded, slowly letting go of her hand.
Spencer and Amy seemed to be cooling down and were simply making out now; thankfully in the same place I’d seen them earlier. “Break it up guys.” I placed my hand on Spencer’s shoulder, somewhat amazed at his technique.
“What?” Spencer growled, unpleased with my interruption. It’d been what, six months since he’d gotten laid? We’d all recently gone through sexual downs. Tonight was well deserved.
“Hayley and I are heading back to my hotel room. She’s too exhausted to drive home.” I glanced at Amy. “I just wanted to let you both know. Are you heading back to his hotel room with him?”
“No.” Amy blurted out, blushing.
“Yes.” Spencer responded at the same time.
I sighed, “Can you guys come to a decision?”
Amy glanced at Spencer, “Really?” She was smiling. That was a good sign and though I already knew the answer I figured it was smarter to wait and actually receive it, rather than just assume.
Spencer nodded, “If you want.”
“Sure.” Amy glanced at me, “Tell Hayley she better have some fucking fun, it is her birthday after all. I’ll see her tomorrow.”
I nodded, hurrying away before either of them could rope me in to further conversation. I had a girl waiting outside for me, a girl I’d waited a long time to have waiting for me and I couldn’t stand another second away from her.
Jon and Ryan were still talking in the parking lot but I didn’t stop to talk to them, instead hurrying on my way to where Hayley had parked her truck.
“I don’t-“ I cut Hayley off as I came around the corner, seeing a guy around my age talking to her.
“Who the hell are you?” I couldn’t help my protective tone, it slid right in place.
“Hi.” The guy awkwardly glanced at me, “I’m Eric. Do you know if there is a market around here that is open?”
My anger slid away but I still couldn’t apologize for it, or pretend I’d acted a different way had I known he only wanted directions. I felt protective of Hayley. Wasn’t that a good thing? “I don’t, sorry man.”
Hayley smiled apologetically, “Yeah, sorry.”
The man just shrugged, “No worries, thanks guys.” With that he walked off, searching for someone else to ask.
Hayley ended up laughing, “Well, remind me to never ask you for directions again.”
I shrugged, “It was a stupid question.” It wasn’t.
“Of course, because no one should ever need to ask directions.” Hayley tossed me her keys, surprising me.
“Exactly.” I stared down at the keys, smiling. “So, you trust me to drive your baby?” I knew how she felt about others driving her truck.
Hayley smiled, “I trust you.”
Those words, coming past her lips, had never had such an impact on me as they did then.
“Well, this is nice.” Hayley glanced around the fancy hotel room. “Look at what they supply.” She commented, holding up a condom. “I wasn’t aware any hotels did that.”
I laughed, awkwardly shrugging. “Well, they didn’t come with… I went and bought them earlier.”
“Ah, makes more sense.” Hayley nodded, glancing closer. “Cherry flavored? Why would you want to taste a condom? Wait… don’t answer that.”
I laughed even harder, “Wanna try one?”
“Why the hell not?” Hayley responded, tearing open the small package.
It wasn’t exactly what I was suggesting but it was amusing to watch her bring the condom to her lips and it even turned me on to watch her tentatively lick it, before making a disgusted face and pulling away. “This isn’t cherry.”
“It’s condom cherry, a little different from regular cherry.” I agreed, “They can’t seem to get flavors very well I guess, though I haven’t heard too many complaints.”
“Have you ever tried it?” Hayley asked, extending the condom my way.
I shook my head, “Nah, I don’t put too many cocks in my mouth.”
“Me neither but I tried it.” Good point.
I felt like an idiot as I brought the opened condom to my lips and licked it, quickly agreeing. That didn’t taste like cherry at all. “It’s like cough syrup for cocks.”
Hayley laughed, “That is what it tastes like actually, and girls want to taste that during sex?”
“I guess when you’re really horny shit like that doesn’t matter.” I was really horny, again.
“I guess.” Hayley moved closer to me. “Now my mouth tastes like a cherry condom. Do you happen to have a spare toothbrush?”
I couldn’t help but laugh, having expected something else. “Yeah, I do.” I turned around and started going through my bag, which was on the bed.
Hayley watched, as she sat on the end of the bed. “What’s that?” I blushed, trying to hide it the object with a t-shirt.
“It’s just clothing.”
“You wear stuff animals often?” She teased, leaning closer to my bag.
I sighed and grabbed the stuffed animal, shaped as a dog. “Here, it was your birthday present. I’ve been carrying it around ever since you told me you liked stuffed animals shaped as dogs…”
“That’s sweet Brendon. Thank you.” She glanced at it, smiling widely. “Why was that so embarrassing to admit?”
“It’s embarrassing that you mean so much to me and I-“ I paused, wondering if I wanted to do this right now. Why tell her how I’d been feeling since she cut off ties with me? I had her now; shouldn’t that be all that mattered?
“And?” Hayley waited, biting her bottom lip.
“I so obviously mean nothing to you. You cut me out of your life without a second thought.” I snapped, wanting not to be angry. I was angry though. She’d hurt my feelings. I was so happy she was here now but just how long would that last when she had the habit of just turning away? I didn’t like to think that I was so disposable.
Hayley shook her head, now frowning. “Is that what you really think? Do you think it was that easy for me to just stop calling, stop answering? I struggled every time I saw your name appear on my caller ID. Whenever anything bad happened I wanted to call you but I couldn’t. I couldn’t Brendon.”
“Why not?” It seemed a fair enough question to ask her, seeing as how it’s what I’d been asking myself each night I fell asleep, without her words to ease my mind.
“I didn’t want to hurt you.” Hayley whispered, looking away from me.
“You hurt me anyway so that can’t be the reason.” I paused, “Are you afraid I’ll hurt you?”
Hayley didn’t respond as she held on to the stuffed animal I’d gotten her while at the end of our last tour. It was supposed to be her birthday gift, for all the hard times she’d helped me through over the phone. I wasn’t supposed to give it to her like this. No, this was never supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to be the reason she clutched on to it. I wasn’t supposed to be the cause of her pain.
“I won’t. You know that, right? Hayley, you know I wouldn’t hurt you.” I leaned closer, using my fingers to raise her chin so that she would look at me.
Hayley glanced at me and I could see the fear now. I could see it clearly and it was horrifying that I was the cause of her unspoken fear. “You don’t know.” She shook her head, shaking away my fingers.
“What don’t I know?” Other than the obvious.
“You don’t know what the future holds for us both. How can I trust you with my heart when you can’t promise not to break it?” Hayley wouldn’t look at me. “You don’t know how you’ll feel in twenty fucking minutes. What if my snoring annoys you? Right now you have my heart and that’s dangerous.”
“I have your heart?”
Hayley sighed loudly, “I tried to cut off contact while I had the chance but now… Now I’ve kissed you. I’ve seen you. I know who you are and I’ll never be able to forget you.”
“Was I so easily forgettable before?”
“You weren’t.” Hayley responded, glancing at me. “That’s the problem. I thought you were. I thought I was safe from you but I wasn’t and I’m much too young to throw my heart in to this painful game.”
“It doesn’t have to hurt.” I walked towards her, gently holding on to her hand. “But if you keep running away from me it will. People aren’t meant to be apart. We’re supposed to be together. We feel like this for a reason. Why deny ourselves the pleasure we obviously need?”
Once her back hit the bed we were both too far gone to continue the conversation that needed to take place. She was right and I was wrong but we both needed this. We’d both waited too long. Our desire had built and my resolve was breaking apart.
I needed her.
“Mm, Hayley?” I mumbled Hayley’s name as I reached over, hoping to touch her. My hands didn’t come in to contact with her body however; informing me that she was no longer in bed. I groaned, preparing to open my eyes.
“Hayley, where are you?” I sat up in bed, glancing around.
The hotel room seemed empty but where would she go? I listened, hoping to hear the shower running. I heard nothing. She was gone.
Another quick sweep of the room and my eyes landed on her stuffed dog, a white piece of paper slipped underneath it.
I didn’t want to read that note, I was sure of it.
I didn’t want to but I would.
Each step I took felt so weighted, and my heart was pulling my entire body down. I just wanted to crawl back in to bed and close my eyes. I wanted to pretend that Hayley would come back but I knew she wouldn’t. I should have known better all along. Hayley wasn’t one to stay.
I pushed the stuffed dog off of the dresser, straight on to the ground. I didn’t want to see it. I hated it more than I could currently admit.
The writing on the note was elegant though I’d already expected that. If she was going to break my heart she might as well make it look pretty, right?
I spent most of the morning thinking of what I’d say but then I realized I couldn’t. I couldn’t say it. Call me weak, I’m sure you’ll call me more than that when you read this.
I’m sorry; this wasn’t how things were supposed to go. I wish you were right. I wish we were supposed to be together and I wish it didn’t have to hurt but it does.
I’m going to make this as painless as possible by leaving before you wake up. I left your stuffed dog. I hope he makes you feel as good as he made me feel. It’s nothing personal; I’m just not the girl for you.
“Don’t be so sentimental.” I spit out, throwing the letter down on to the dresser.
I wasn’t even sure what I was doing as I grabbed my pants and pulled them on. I made it to the door before I realized where I was going. I didn’t acknowledge how immature it was though, instead I just walked.
I walked and walked until I found somewhere that would sell lighters. It was a broken down looking mini mart. The open sign was falling apart and the lighter was .99 cents.
It was the best .99 cents I’d ever spent, as far as I was concerned.
I made it back to my hotel room without running in to a single person. For that I was grateful. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about what had happened. I’d lost the girl.
My fingers found the piece of paper and I fought to ignite the shitty .99 cent lighter but when the flame appeared it was beautiful and it burned through the paper easily.
“Nothing personal, eh baby?” I muttered, grabbing the stuffed dog next. Yeah, nothing personal.
The stuffed animal was a little harder to get to stay on fire but I stayed in place, relighting the lighter as many times as I needed until the fur caught fire.
It wasn’t beautiful, it was anything but.
I had to look away.
The stinging sensation touched more than just my heart.
She’d destroyed me.