Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > 'Cause Love Isn't About Affection, It's About Leadership1 Reviews
I understood that bonding with someone acquired sacrifices of a sort - confining in the other with the most unspeakable secrects as if to seal the friendship with a promise of loyalty.
I hope it evens it up a little.
I had planned on appearing nonchalant and much to my dismay, this plan went to hell the moment I scanned the room from behing Gerard's back. My eyes caught Frank's for a split second and I was fairly sure that my face gave away every emotion that I'd felt in the past few months.
There he was - the angel into which I'd molded him in my dreams and thoughts. His appearance radiated warmth and light and it was all I could do to not run into his arms the moment I saw him. The thought that stopped me from doing just that was the very fact that he'd only push me away - the thought hurt more than I ever would've thought it would.
He was like my own personal gravity, and I felt the pull in every cell of my body. I had to stop and study myself - was this something alarming? was he starting to have an affect on me on a distance now, as well? I would've almost prefered to have it that way, to put this powerful, aching feeling in that category, but I couldn't. I didn't want his blood, the want I felt had an other vibe to it entirely.
I felt indescribable longing - as if I had been apart from the other half of myself for a time much too long and would finally be reunited. Only, he wasn't the other half of me and the feeling most definitely wasn't mutual.
At that moment, I would've given anything, absoutely anything, to have it any other way.
Frank's face was another story. I'd been prepared for anger, anger to the point of panic, hysterics almost. You could say that I thought a little too much of myself but that is what I'd expected - yelling, frantic search for a phone, police cars, all that jazz.. why, I'm not sure, since I really wasn't a criminal to begin with or atleast not with any practical evidence.
For a second I thought that maybe, just maybe, that was the option I prefered. The angry Frank, the upset Frank. The Frank I wouldn't have to face - the Frank of my memories, my exaggerated out of proportion human memories, that I'd somehow started feeling something for. Something that, despite all lack of contact with him, only seemed to grow stronger.
But there he was, his face as beautiful as I'd remembered, if not more. His hair had grown atleast an inch, which I found quite extraordinary - had it really been just three months? It felt like so much more.
He was smiling, though not at me, and the joyful, wild smile was wiped off his face the second his eyes spotted me hiding behind Gerard. It was replaced with a blank expression, an expressionless expression, that slowly started to resemble confusion leaving no trace of his customary smile - the playful, sincere and gentle smile that seemed to have surfaced from the bottom of his heart, showing the very essence of his soul.
The blankness lasted only for a moment, though, as his beautiful face became troubled, his fine dark eyebrows (did he pluck them?- I wondered on a random thought) curving into a slight frown. I thought I saw more - regret of a sort, but it might've been just a face distorted by confusion and worry.
I retreated, holding a handful of fabric in my fist, the smooth black velvet of which Gerard's jacket was made. It made my hand sweat even more.
I felt Gerard's hand slowly ungrip my hold of the back of his jacket and place his arm on the small of my back, urging me to step forwards. I hesitated, but unwillingly dragged my feet to his side.
"Frankie!" Gerard called "Look what I found" He smiled and squeezed me in the most comfortable way.
Gerard wasn't very good at this snuggle thing, I decided, pretty sure that I'd just received another sickly purple bruise. I plastered a tentative smile on my face, not knowing what to expect. Suddenly I was grateful for Gerard's closeness, no matter how much discomfort it sometimes brought, I felt safe next to him.
"What's going on?" Frank's voice came in a slow, careful hiss and much to my surprise, it was aimed at Gerard instead of me.
"What's she doin' here?" Still not a glance my way. I was starting to feel even more nervous with the way he discussed me as if wasn't standing right here. I straightened my posture and fixed my smile but realized that I, too, subconsciously avoided eyecontact.
"Relax, Frank. She works here. It's fine - she's not what you think she is, it's all bullshit. She hasn't done anything" Gerard explained in a calm, relaxed tone.
"She - what?" Frank shook his head a little- in disbelief, I took it- breathed out heavily. "Gee, you don't know what she told me"
I shifted my weight from foot to another.
"Actually, he does and that.. wasn't entirely true.." I stepped in, letting my voice trail off and bit my lip.
"Oh, great. Now that we have established that it was just a lie, I.. I mean, fuck-" he ran his tattooed hand through his ebony hair, a manner I had come so accustomed to in such a short time. "Gerard" He was speaking to Gerard again, refusing to waste his words on me, apparently.
"You can't possibly trust her. She popped out of nowhere, lies all the time, vanishes-" his eyes met mine for a fracure of a secind, during which I could see hurt in his eyes, a hurt much like mine.
"Exactly why are you hanging out with her?" He re-adjusted his expression, attempting indifference, also, much like myself.
"Don't be like that Frank, you're making her feel bad. She's gone through some rough shit and here you are, bringing her down like that" Gerard shook his head disapprovingly, though I detected too much amusement in his tone and features to really take anything he just said seriously.
"She hasn't done anything, really. She explained everything to me, she just had to leave real quickly and didn't want any of us to get involved so she lied. She was at an impasse of a kind. it's alright, Frank. Trust me" He murmured and something in Frank's appearance seemed to change, soften.
I jumped back a step when out of the blue Gerard extended his arm to grab Frank in the back of the head, gripping locks of his hair tightly and pulling the man's face closer to his. The roughness of the movement stopped when their mouths were an inch apart and slowly, so very slowly, Gerard pressed his curved up lips onto Frank's. I watched the scene in shock and awe - I don't think Frank saw that coming any more than I did.
It was a short, tender kiss, after which Frank recovered himself and pulled back, staring incredously at Gerard, whose smirk was striking enough to light up the entire room.
"Trust me" Gerard repeated in that soft, warm voice that, spoken in such a sweet murmur, could propably convince one to jump off a cliff if he said so. I was amazed.
"Yeah, okay. Whatever" Frank waved his hand across his face "But I don't like being lied to. I don't trust her and I don't get why you wanna keep her around"
a sharp look was shot at me.
"Yeah, she's cute, but if I were you I'd be more careful" I was struck by the amount of poison dripping off of his tongue as the words came out. His gaze had turned into a fierce glare and it was very much directed at me, only me.
"She's supercute" Gerard exclaimed happily while Frank started towards the stage.
Gerard led me back to the counter and asked for another beer, which I served in silence.
Shutting people up by kissing them, or more accurately, leading their thoughts elsewhere.. I had to remember that, I thought.
"I told you, if all else failed I'd kiss him" he looked a little smug. Was this supposed to go to show how trustworthy of a friend he was? Well then, I was quite impressed.
I chuckled. "Thanks. I guess.."
"You know, that was a good sign. When Frank is upset, he's silent, composed.. hurt. When he's getting over it, he gets furious" He laughed and took a large gulp of the sizzling liquid.
"All is well" He sang.
He placed the pint on the counter with such force that according to any laws of physics, it should've shattered to pieces. I gave him a dirty, disapproving look as he moved towards the stage.
"Time to play!" He announced with immense joy and even though by no means did I feel relieved, or happy, or careless, the smile was of a contagious nature and I found myself grinning at him.
There was a strange mixture of excitement and tension in the air and it filled me as it had filled the men on the stage. I felt lightheaded and nervous for no particular reason. I was hoping I could make silent amends to Frank during their gig, smile at him carefully at any given chance and steal glances when I knew he was looking.
It felt good being exposed like this, though by no means did I plan on spending more time with Frank, even if he by some miracle would be willing to. It was still as risky as it was three months ago, I knew that without a question and would never allow myself to endanger a life so precious again.
But I could look at him, his grace, talent.. His gentle features that I had learned to cherish during the time I hadn't had the privilege to see them. I could observe him, from a distance, and for now that was more than I had been hoping to get.
Also, I couldn't help but smile in awe as the men cramped themselves onto the tiny stage, grinning as they stood there waiting for the cue from the drummer.
The excitement, the joy, was so bare and so touchable that I was yet to witness anything like it. Gerard glowed, and for the first time since I've known him, I detected a little pride in the way he held his head up, and decided, that it was the best thing I'd yet seen.
Happiness is what I felt, and though I felt it for them, it felt more like a happiness of my own.
I don't know at which point during our very short acquaintance had I managed to form a friendship with Gerard. He certainly wasn't the first one that warmed up to me, but I had a feeling that bonding with someone acquired sacrifices of a sort - confining in one other with the most unspeakable secrects as if to seal the friendship with a promise of loyalty.
Or in Gerard's case - seal it with a kiss, I thought, and found myself shaking my head and giggling over the strange incident.
I watched as they played, looking at Gerard whom I now considered at a friend. A nuisance, but a friend non the less.
And I watched Frank, with dreamy eyes that acknowledged that this was the closest I was going to get to the man I think I may possibly love, whatever on earth that meant.