Brendon's response is a shock.
No? I got off of him and stood up straight, “Well… I have work to get back to,” I grabbed my clothes and put them on. I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t know what to do or say back to him. No? That was it. Just no. There really was nothing I could say.
I made my way out of the bathroom and to my office. I sat down at my desk and stared at the screensaver. Pictures of Brendon flashed onto the screen and then faded out into another one. It was almost the end of the day. I’d only have to see him for maybe another hour. Then I could go home. Then I could go home and cry. That’s all I wanted to do right now. Cry.
Why did he say no? We’ve known each other for over five years. I was so in love with him that it killed me to be away from him for three years. How much more could I do to make him want to marry me? What could I do to make him love me the way I love him? I was lost now. I never thought he’d say no. And now he’d be working with me. And there was nothing I could do about it.
I looked down at the keyboard and saw a few drops of water that had fallen onto it. I put my hand to my face and realized that tears were falling. I didn’t want to cry. But I couldn’t stop them. They weren’t going to stop. And then I heard the door open and I didn’t look up. I knew who it was.
“You’re crying…” yeah, no fucking shit. My chair rolled away from my desk and his fingers lifted my face to look at his. I closed my eyes, “Ryan. Look at me… Please,” I shook my head, “Okay. Then I’ll just talk and hope you eventually open your eyes. There’s a reason I said n—”
“I don’t care!” I pushed him off and stood up, “I don’t care if you had a reason! You said no! I don’t want to know why. You said no. Is there anything more I need to hear? Really, Brendon? I love you more than anything in the fucking world. And I want you to marry me because I want to show you that I’m not going anywhere anymore, but you don’t care, do you? Do you even want me around? Or do you just want to have sex twice and have this mean nothing?” I walked over to the door and opened it, turning to him, “Get out. You’re fired.”
“I… Ryan, I’m… You can’t…”
“Yes, yes I can. You’re fired. Get the fuck out of here. Go back to Vegas. Because obviously you don’t want me. I’m not going to work with you after you blatantly said no.”
“Stop what?! Stop telling you to get out? I’m the stable one here, aren’t I? I wasn’t in the military for god knows how long… Long enough to be this… this… emotional roller coaster! I may love you more than anything in the world, but I’m not going to sit around and hope that, one day, you’ll be stable enough to actually love me and stay by my side. Especially if you won’t even marry me.”
“SHUT UP!” he yelled and I stepped back. I wasn’t expecting him to yell at me, “I said no because I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. But you left for three years. Okay, sure, that hurt you. But words cannot describe the pain I felt the moment you left three years ago. And fine, so I’m messed up in the head because of the army, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. That doesn’t mean I’m not stable. Because I can be. I said no… I said no because I love you. That’s the only way I can explain it. You mean the world to me and losing you would kill me. But I can’t marry you. Not yet.”
I said nothing.
“Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Not now, not ever. I only ever want to be with you. But I can’t marry you. If that means you want to leave me, then maybe that’s what we should do. Maybe in a few years, I’ll marry you. But we’ve been apart for three years. And I wish I could say that I trust you wholeheartedly. But I’m thinking about this from a logical perspective. I do love you, but I can’t trust you yet.”
Couldn’t trust me? But I loved him. I always have and here he was, saying no to my marriage proposal. I still wanted to think things over. I wanted him to leave. He could come back tomorrow. But I wanted to give everything thought. I was silent for a while before I took a deep breath, “I need you to leave. Just for now. I need to think.”
He scoffed, “Fine,” and he walked out. I closed the door behind him and walked over to my desk. I sat down at my desk and stared at the surface where we’d almost had sex. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from it. I was so close to having the man of my life in my life forever. And he just spurned me. He said no. He outright said no.
True, he had reasoning, but I couldn’t help but feel like I’d lost him. Forever. I mean, when I left three years ago, I was tired and I needed space, but now. Now I was ready. I was ready to wake up to his beautiful face every morning. I was ready to adopt a kid with him and make food for him. Well… burn food for him. And then we’d kiss and laugh about it. I was ready to have stupid fights over stupid stuff with him and then have awesome make up sex afterward.
But he wasn’t. He wasn’t ready for that. How could I blame him, really? It was my fault. I’d ruined everything. I couldn’t even get the love of my life to marry me. I was really a failure, wasn’t I? I couldn’t even finish up my work. So I gathered my things and headed out of the office and out of the building.
I made my way down to my car and drove home. When I got there, Brendon was sitting on the hood of his car, staring at the apartment building. I got out of my car and walked over, “Hey.”
He looked over at me, “You know… I don’t remember what it was like to live with you. No matter how hard I tried. And you know why?” I was silent, “Because you were never there. Because you were trying so hard to make us both happy. You were trying so hard to make sure we were comfortable. I never gave thought to the fact that it was hard for you to do it. I never stopped to consider the pain I was putting you through.”
I didn’t even know what to say. Yeah, I mean, I had gone through a lot to help us both. But I had hoped that it wasn’t obvious. Apparently it was, “I said I was sorry for never being there. I wanted to be. But it was—”
“Driving you crazy,” he hopped off the hood of his car, “I know. And I loved you. I still love you. But I realized I don’t even know you. I didn’t even know you liked music. I kept thinking about why I said no. And the real reason… It was in my gut. I couldn’t say yes. But I realized it’s because I want to get to know you. I want to date you. We’ve never dated.”
“I… So you want… to start this whole… this whole thing over?”
“Yeah, from date one. That is… If you’ll have me,” he stepped toward me, “Because I’d like to try.”
I couldn’t help but smile as I nodded, “I’d like that,” even if it did still hurt that he said no. I realized he was right. We didn’t know anything about each other. I also didn’t know that he liked music. It came as a shock to me that he was interning. So yeah, I was definitely okay with that, “But…”
“Can I still say I love you?”
He laughed, “Yeah, you can still say you love me,” he leaned over and kissed me on the lips, “Because I love you too,” he pulled away, “I’ll pick you up Saturday at eight,” and he walked off. I grinned like a schoolboy with a crush. I was so excited.
A/N: Here you go! On the 29th, as promised! I finished it last night, so I posted it today. :) I hope you enjoyed it. Please rate and review! This will be updated in a couple of weeks after I update everything else. But I would LOVE three reviews. :)