Guilty feelings and hospital visits
I knocked clearly on his bedroom door. The sobbing stopped
"GO AWAY!" I took in a deep breath
"Leave me alone, I'm fine." He sobbed a little more
"Clearly not." I turned my back, sat down and leaned against his bedroom door
"Shut up." I rolled my eyes
"Come on Gerard, open up, something is up with you, not like you. You did this last time and look what happened." Silence. It sounded like someone sat down behind the door
"I hate myself."
"I failed. All my fault that Frankie is now lying in that hospital bed!" He cried even more
"No it's not."
"Yes it fucking is! If I hadn't slept in and got up when you came in, he wouldn't have been beaten up!"
"Who's to say they wouldn't have done it anyway regardless of you being there." He paused to think
"Still my fault." I let out a little sigh
"Gerard, you found him, you found him, got help, got him to safety, he's going to be ok, he is on the mend, right now, he'll want you there, he'll want his friends and his boyfriend to be there for him." There was more gentle sobbing
"I can't do it, I'm a failure. Frankie is hurt. He won't want to talk to me-"
"Shut up Gerard. He laughed when I told him you had slept in. He wasn't upset, just glad that he would be seeing you. He did. You saved him." There was more crying
"Please open the door Gerard, something is hurting you and it hurts me to see and hear you this upset." There was silence for a moment. I felt scared that he might be doing something he shouldn't
"It eats me up inside. It's like a dark hole, eating away. Takes my emotions. I feel worthless. You, mum, dad, Frankie, Holly, Ray, Bob and others keep me going. Your all the reason I keep on fighting, stand my ground, stand up for you guys. You stop that darkness. But someone got hurt; someone I love and now it eats away inside. I hate it, I hate myself for letting the one person I truly love down."
"Why didn't you tell me? I could help you. You know I want to help you. But I can't help, if the door is closed." I listened for a second. There was shuffling before the door handle turned. I stood up quickly. It was open slightly, enough for me to slip through. His room was trashed; pictures, sketches, band posters, comic books, clothes and other things thrown around the room. His eyes were blood shot
"Oh Gerard." I pulled him tightly into my chest and hugged him as he cried hard, trembling as he did. I walked him over to his bed and sat him down
"Gerard I want you to know that whenever you get down, whenever that darkness tries to take over, I'm here if you want to talk and so is Frank, and Holly, Bob, Ray, mum and dad, everyone is. We don't want to see you upset and hurt. It's not your fault that Frank is in hospital, it really isn't. You know what Shayne and the jocks are like. Hell you went after them after they done it – that takes some guts, shows you care for Frank and wanted your own back." He nodded his head
"But what if Frank doesn't want to speak to me?"
"Don't be so fucking ridiculous Gerard, like he'd do a thing like that! He fucking loves you and you know it! He'd never end it with you, he just wouldn't." My brother seemed so helpless; like a lost child. I hugged him tighter. Even your role models need comforting from time to time, they really do
"You must think me stupid and childish, crying like this. I'm a fucking looser."
"Shut up Gerard, you're not, you're my brother and I love you. You look after me and it's my turn to look after you." He cuddled me tighter
"Hey look, the visiting hours close at ten at night, maybe later we can go, you and me, or the three of us can go after school tomorrow, go and see Frank, together." He went quiet
"Tonight would be nice, just to see him." I smiled. I smoothed his back a little before laying him down on his bed
"Come on, I'm tired and it's been an eventful morning." Gerard nodded his head. I cuddled up next to my big brother and smoothed his hair as I felt my eyes get heavy
"Your my brother, and mean the world to me, besides Holly that is. And you're welcome." Sure enough after a while, Gerard dropped off to sleep. I smiled at his sleeping form. The one word that came to mind as I went over everything he had said; it became clear; depression. I cuddled him more before letting my eyes drop shut.
My eyes flickered open to the sound of someone coming down the stairs into my room. I startled to see Mikey lying next to me fast asleep. Fuck my head hurt. Frankie; hospital. Fuck I started to feel bad again. Remember what Mikey said – you have people around you who love you. I can see Frankie later if mum will drive us. A flutter rose in my stomach – not the normal one I get when I'm with Frankie; the one you get when you can be nervous about something like on your first date. My head shot to my bedroom door as it opened. My mum seemed rather startled before a gentle smile broke across her face. I looked back at Mikey who was still sleeping. I loved having Mikey as a brother. Of the times in the past he has come to my room to sleep because he was scared of something, it didn't look like he had aged one bit. I smiled a little before looking round as mum brushed a few strands of hair out of my eyes
"My two boys, god, this takes me back seeing the two of you like that." Mum spoke quietly as Mikey breathed deeply in his sleep. I let out a shaky sigh
"You've been crying." I nodded my head. She kissed my forehead
"Frank will be fine."
"Mikey suggested going to see him in a while and then tomorrow." She nodded her head
"After you've both had dinner, which I'll go start now, we can go and see him." She smoothed Mikey's hair. He stirred but did not wake. She kissed my forehead again and walked out closing the door. I looked back round at Mikey. He really did look like a small child. But he is right – I need to be looked after too. I cuddled him before closing my eyes.
My eyes snapped open to the sound of mum shouting down the stairs. Mikey jumped and then screamed when he looked at me. I held back my laughter and got up off the bed and went upstairs closely followed by Mikey. I felt a little uneasy – I hadn't really eaten all day. I did my best at eating dinner. Although I was hungry I couldn't bring myself to eat much. I had knots in my stomach about seeing Frankie. Mikey kept on glancing at me throughout dinner, which didn't help. Mum hardly noticed. Mum cleared the plates away. I tapped my fingers on the table. Mikey watched
"You'll be fine – and Frank will love seeing you, when doesn't he ever enjoy seeing you?" I smiled a little as mum came back into the room
"Come on, in the car." The car journey seemed long, the knots in my stomach to get tighter. I still feel that it is my entire fault. That dark hole is starting to open up again and starting to eat away inside. Fuck. Why does it have to take my power of words and take my emotions and replace them with hatred for myself. I jumped at something touching my arm. I looked round and saw my brother, touching my arm and smiling hopefully at me. I flashed a quick smile before looking back out the window. The sight of the hospital drawing ever closer. If I'm honest, hospitals had to be worse than Belleville. Mum pulled up and I didn't want to move but forced my legs to work as mum got out the car. The bright fluorescent lights blinded me for a second, before choking on the smell of disinfectant. Mikey stuck close to my side as we followed mum – she knew the way better than me and Mikey. After going down many corridors, through double doors and up a flight of stairs, we arrived at the ward. Me and Mikey waited while mum went and spoke to a nurse
"Just breathe Gerard." I looked round at my brother and he had a sense of calm about him. Mum walked back over
"Come on over here." She led us to Frank's room. My heart began to race a little as we approached. Mum went in first followed by Mikey. I stepped through. Mum walked Frank's mum out of the room and she smiled at me as they left. It was me, Mikey and Frankie
I smiled as best as I could at both Mikey and Gee
"Hey Frank," Mikey said brightly. He gave me a one arm hug. I looked to Gee
"Hey Gee." He smiles at me and walks over. He hugs me gently – guessing he is scared that he'll hurt me if he hugs too tight. He planted a kiss on my forehead and I smiled
"How are you feeling?" Mikey asked
"Not too bad, they gave me something for the pain and breathing is a bit easier now." Gee smiled but looked away. I took hold of his hand. He looked round and locked eyes with me. There was something in his eyes. He didn't seem right. His eyes trailed away and down my arm. For a moment I thought he was looking at my strapped fingers until I realised the IV in my arm. Needles. I chuckled a little
"Gee it's not in your arm, it's in my arm and it's keeping me hydrated." He blushed a little
"Sorry." I heard Mikey chuckle
"Aww don't worry Gee, it's fine."
"You wouldn't have that in your arm if-"
"Stop right there Gerard."
"It's not your fault. I fucking love you for finding me!" Was that what was bothering him?
"But-" I cut him off by pulling him down with the strength I had and kissing him
"Do you honestly think I'd want you here if I thought it was your fault?"
"He has a good point Gerard. I told you, Frank doesn't hate you and there is no way it was your fault."
"And besides they would have done it regardless of you being there or not." He nodded slowly, but seemed a little down still. In his eyes an array of emotions floated around; guilt, hatred, fear, and sadness
"You ran at Shayne when you had the chance," Mikey said
"I wanted revenge but failed at that." I clutched his hand tighter
"So? You still went after him after what he and his dumbass jocks did to me." I smiled brightly at him. I loved Gee. He really was my protector. But I hated seeing him negative and off. I glanced at Mikey and he seemed to be feeling the same as me
"Because I love you." I smiled at the three words
"And I love you too. If I wasn't such a coward I really would do the same for you too. You, Mikey and Holly, but most importantly, you." I touched his chest where his heart is. Tears welled up in his eyes and I pulled him into a hug and didn't let go. I felt scared that if I did I might actually lose him. I felt a little worried at how he was behaving
"I thought I had lost you," he whispered, quiet enough so Mikey didn't hear
"Can't get rid of me that easily, no matter how hard you try." He pulled back and smiled a little as a tear ran down his cheek. I wiped it away and kissed him on the lips. For the rest of the time I had Gee cuddled up next to me, and Mikey sitting on the edge of the bed. Talking about anything and everything
After what seemed like half an hour, but was a good hour and a half, my mum came back in with Donna. Donna smiled brightly at me
"Frank needs his rest, you two can come and visit him tomorrow," Donna said. I didn't want Mikey and Gee to leave; especially Gee. Mikey hugged me as Gee sat up
"See you tomorrow Frank, I'll bring you some comics to read."
"Thanks Mikey." I smiled at him. Gee kissed my forehead
"See you tomorrow Frankie."
"Bye Gee." He smiled again. I was still slightly worried about Gee as I watched him walk over to his mum. Donna waved goodbye
"Frank, I have go for an hour, I won't be long." I smiled at mum
"I'm going home to get some of your things."
"Could you get me the sketch book Gee put together for me for my birthday."
"Sure, where is it?"
"On my night stand." She smiled, kissed my cheek and walked out. I let out a sigh. Something is bothering Gee; not just today but something really was bothering me. What if he was starting to lose feelings for me? I hope he isn't as my world would come crashing down around me if that was the case. I rested my head as my body started to ache again. I closed my eyes thinking of Gee
It felt great to know that Frankie was happy with me; not angry and not wanting to see me. But I still hated myself; I still feel like I have upset everyone around me. I sighed as the gentle rocking of the car moving sent me off into a dreamless sleep.
Next chapter :-) I hope you guys like it, might post a second up later