FicWad

I don’t know why I was even bothering.

“Uh, is Sam here?” I glanced at the large nurse, who blinked at me in surprise. I was being released today. I hadn’t seen Sam since she’d given me her necklace.

“Samantha’s last day was yesterday.” The nurse informed me, though she seemed reluctant to do so.

Oh.

She was gone, just like everyone else.

I didn’t even know her last name.

I itched to ask the nurse but I didn’t think she’d give me any personal details.

I was just some freak in a hospital bed after all.

I would never see her again.

All I had was her necklace.

I nervously brushed my fingers against it.

It meant something to her.

She gave it to me.

That meant something to me.

“What’s Sam’s last name?” I got the courage to ask the nurse, who seemed completely surprised by the question. I tried to reason with myself that I just wanted to look her up so that I could give her back her necklace.

I’d be dead soon. She was wrong; she needed the necklace more.

I knew what I wanted.

I just wanted the peace of death.

I just wanted to be gone.

“Why?” The nurse asked, suspiciously narrowing her eyes.

I shrugged, “She left something. I just want to return it.”

“Sam hangs out at the libraries on the weekends.” The nurse finally admitted, and I realized she probably knew Sam pretty well. She smiled when she said her name. Did that girl have a bad effect on anyone? “She likes to sit alone in the back of the library, just to be alone.”

I found the piece of information interesting but I nodded, “Thanks.”

She smiled at me before leaving.

I would find Sam before I killed myself.

I had something that belonged to her.



**



The library was quiet.

Well, aren’t all libraries?

Hell I’d never been in a library before.

I glanced around at all of the books. It was a large library, with books towering over me. I felt so small. That wasn’t a new feeling but one I’d grown fond of. The emptiness inside of me just grew. It was an up and down feeling.

She was at the back, right where I was told to look.

She didn’t even have a book in front of her.

She was just sitting there, staring blankly ahead of her- it was weird.

I didn’t say anything as I slid in to the chair across from her.

She blinked a few times, as if to clear her mind. “Ryan.” She finally said my name, surprising me.

She remembered me.

“Yeah.” I answered, “It’s nice to see you again Sam.” Where did that come from?

“And you.” Sam smiled warmly, “Though it’s surprising. I’ve never seen you here before.”

“This is my first time.” I bit my lip so hard that I figured I’d drawn blood. I couldn’t taste anything though. “I mean- first time in a library, not, you know… fuck it. It’s my first time in this library.”

Sam was grinning, “Yeah? It’s a nice library, and a nice first.”

“It’s really quiet.” I didn’t know how I felt about that.

“Do you prefer noisy places?”

“No. Well, yeah. I feel less obligated to talk.” I admitted.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Sam replied, “We could just sit here.”

“Why’d you quit at the hospital?”

“I only volunteer there for a month each summer.” Sam informed me, “Then I move on to other things. I don’t really have anything lined up right now but I’ll find something… Last year it was an animal shelter, then before that a children’s center.”

“What about… me?” Now I felt stupid.

“What about you?”

“If I told you that I needed you, would you stay with me?” My mouth was dry.

“Do you need me?” Sam’s eyes burned in to my own eyes, and I was frightened of what they were betraying.

I’d never needed someone before. Well, I’d never admitted it.

She caught me off guard though.

She didn’t say what everyone else said.

“Yeah, well-“ I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat, “I think I just- I- this was a mistake.” I stood, forgetting all about the reason I’d come in the first place.

Sam stood as well, “Calm down Ryan.”

I stayed in place, just staring at her.

“Wanna ditch this place?”

Sam smiled again, “Sure.”

I nervously walked towards the door, hoping that Sam was following me.

She was.

We made it to my car and she paused, “Where are we going?”

“My place?” I proposed. I didn’t live far away, and she’d feel comfortable. “We won’t be alone. I have a roommate, if that makes you feel better.”

Sam shrugged, “That’s not what I was worried about.”

“What then?”

“I have to walk home. I don’t want to go outside of a reasonable walking distance.”

“I’ll drive you home.”

“Sure.” Sam agreed, getting in my car.

I had no idea what I was doing.

I was dying to get this right though.

Dying.



**



“Ryan! You brought home a girl?” Brendon fist pumped the air, “Fuck yes! This is a first.” He stared at Sam, “He’s not gay.” He finally spoke again, giving me a thumbs up after thoroughly eye-fucking Sam.

Sam just grinned.

I rolled my eyes, gesturing to my bedroom. She gratefully wandered in that direction and I closed the door behind us. “He’s kind of weird but I love him.”

Sam smiled yet again. She had a lovely smile. “He seems nice, very forward… that’s not a bad thing.”

“You’re right but it’s awkward.”

She laughed. Her laugh was better than her smile, and it was oddly addicting. I wanted to make a joke just to see if she would laugh again, but I knew it would just be tacky. I wasn’t going to push my luck. I sat on my bed, patting the spot beside me. “You can sit if you want.” So she did. Right next to me. I could smell her. She smelled like vanilla, but it wasn’t overpowering. It was very faint, and just perfect.

I turned with words just about to escape my lips. Instead I ended up crashing my lips against hers. It was hard- almost vicious. I felt like I was attacking her but within seconds she was attacking me back, her lips pressing against mine with the same determined anger. Was that what it was? I felt like I was kissing her with anger, and she was returning the gesture.

We were letting out emotions that weren’t even supposed to be directed the way they were being directed but it felt nice. It felt freeing. Crap. It felt wonderful.

“Sam-“ I was breathing hard when I pulled away from her.

Dark eyes glanced at me curiously, “Ryan?”

“Is this okay?” I asked, not wanting to push myself on her or pressure her to do something she didn’t want to do. I was suicidal but I wasn’t a jerk.

Sam nodded, “But I can leave if you want.”

I quickly shook my head, “I definitely don’t want that.” Then I was twisting her hair with my fingers, playing with it gently. I pushed her back on to my bed so that she was lying down, and then I was kissing her.

This time I was gentle.





**



Sam must have woken before me because when I woke up she was gone.

There wasn’t a note.

There was nothing.

She just left.

I sighed heavily, running my fingers through my sex-sleep-fussed hair.

She was pretty.

She was so pretty underneath me, breathing hard- taking each-

I cut off my own thoughts, feeling dirty.

I’d fucked her and then rolled over and …

And I just fell asleep, without a word to her.

I felt like such an asshole.

Now I had to find her again, just so that I could apologize.

Plus I still had to give her necklace back.

The list was building- and I couldn’t die until I found her yet again, and this time I’d have to make things right.

Sam was beginning to trap me.

The little trickster.

With her beautiful smile- and melodic laugh.

She was like an angel.

I didn’t want to be saved though.