In all honesty I should have been shaking or crying or something along those lines, because my dead boyfriend is trying to communicate with me from 'beyond' but I just laughed at how cliche this one was, and thinking over it I felt mad, and upset. Why couldnt he just tell me this stuff to my face when he was alive, I’m sure it would be easier.
After sitting just staring at the tapes I decided to do something about it and set out to find a tape player. Which wasn't easy at 2:47am but the attic was in my room and I was pretty sure there was one in there.
People find attics freaky but I love them, its like you're there in your own little space. And I love looking around attics. Mine for example (when you got past the cobwebs) was full of records, old school work, toys and clothes me and my brother used to have that my mother couldnt bare to throw out, The best feature in our attic though was the huge manikin that was in the corner that me and Elliott used to dress up. When I realised I was just sat in my attic looking fondly into the distance and looking pretty crazy (which, hey I was) I got my ass into gear and found what I was looking for, I battered old black dusty tape player.
I was sceptical, this thing looked like it hadn’t been used it years then someone got mad at it and stomped on it.
I had a mature moment before I played the tape, do I really want to do this I’m fucked up as it is, this wont help. But overall I trusted Gerard he wouldn’t do something to hurt me.
I took a deep breath this feeling like a dream it look my shaky hands a while to put the tape in, but when they did I hit play and bit down on my lip.
"Hey Frankie" His voice came through the speakers it was scratchy like he had been drinking, smoking or just woke up.
My breath hitched and I pulled my legs up to my chest.
"I bet you're wondering what these are, why I was so cliche and why I didn’t tell you before I died, hey?"
I laughed slightly as tears fell down my cheeks, he knew me so well.
"Because in about 10 minutes I'm going to hang myself, boo hoo. But I need you to do something for me Frank, I need you to listen I need you to know. Why I did this, The past couple of years have been hard. Bad things have happened, but you know that right?" his voice rasped through the last line, like he was trying to hold in tears and I found myself nodding, tears falling thick and fast now.
"So I’m going to tell you, and all you need to do is play all the tapes then give the tapes to the person whose name is on the front, I don't want them to feel guilty I just don't want them to do it again and I want them to know what they did that was wrong, get it Frankie baby?"
"Okay Gee-bear anything for you" I whispered.
"Now play the first tape, Its labeled Amelia Thorns. And remember baby you kept me alive for so long, and I love you with every fibre of my being you're perfect and never change and don’t cry for me, But always remember Frank never pick a fight with someone who has nothing left to loose, that’s my best piece of advice right there and I read it online, ha-ha, I love you beautiful so long and goodnight" His voice broke on goodnight and the tape cut off and I allowed myself to break down for a while just to cry, to be mad at God and himself for not doing anything more.
I couldnt sleep now so I put the first tape into the tape player. And sat back preparing myself.
"Hello, to whoever this tape has reached hopefully Amelia or Frank, who are most likely wondering whets going to happen now, well iam going to tell you a story..Wow that sounded freaky, anyway. Last year I was gay, but of course nobody knew and my girlfriend at the time Amelia was a pretty girl, nice family, smart. Everything really, but one day I couldn’t hold it in anymore I had to tell someone and who but the girl who I trusted quite alot, If you remember Amelia I took you out to diner your favourite restaurant, we had fun. Then I told you. I was sweating all night wanting to be sick so nervous and I thought you would at least be understanding, but no you looked at me like I was shit, you then called me sick and walked out. I was upset but glad I got if off my chest. But when I got to school on Monday surprisingly everyone knew and that was where the bullying starting the beating up the mental bullying, it killed me inside. I had no self confidence and hated myself for a long time after that. I hope you know and I hope you change, I also never told anyone your secret right up to this day."
The tape then cut off and I was mad I was so fucking mad that someone that insignificant could play a part in ending my boyfriends life. Who the fuck does she think she is?! I broke stuff, ripped things up and cried, sobbed.
I cried myself to sleep on the cold bare wood floor that night hugging my knees wishing things where different.
Wishing it where me, me that hung myself. He had more to live for he was talented and beautiful and amazing and I was just me. And on that thought I fell alseeping dreaming dark dreams of HIS face.
Thankyou for reading please please R&R thankyou :-) xo-luce