- remember when I was your boat and you were my sea, together we'd float so delicately
10th july 2007
It was hot, sunny, happy. No! it should be dark and cold and raining and sad, how can the world be this happy when I feel this empty and alone.
Children were laughing sat on the sidewalk playing marbles, people mowing their lawns or having barbecues. The worst was the couples though holding hands, looking into each others eyes. Just basking in the sunlight and each others company without a care or a worry.
'What if she just fucking died though, would you be so happy' I spat letting my curtain fall across the window making the dusty room dark again.
Today was his funeral, the last chance I would ever get to say goodbye before he got put in the ground, so people could stand on his rotting corpse.
'Frankie, you're so negative' He laughed from behind me.
I ignored it, it hurt me but he was just a fragment of my imagination it wasnt really him, the real him was laid in a dress shirt in a coffin the red mark still prominent on his white neck.
'Thats just my body, im here. Im here to help you get through today' His 'voice' was low and I caved I didnt care if I was crazy at least I could see him, hear him just be with him.
'I dont want to go' I told him, I didnt I was scared of not being able to take it.
'Well you're going, you know how much I love funerals the whole 'black dark and sad' sort of thing' I smiled despite myself.
'Besides, if you're not going nobody will cry and I shudder at the fact that nobody would cry at my funeral' I could hear his cocky smirk and I smiled at the fact Gerard had the ability to make me smile even in times like this.
I turned around, expecting to see him stood there but I was met with the same image.
Big lifeless eyes staring into my soul with a sad-blank expression, his body softly swinging from side to side the rope burning into his neck. I shut my eyes and walked away, disturbingly I was used to that image and I didnt need it today.
I didnt get to ride in the funeral car, Gerards parents didnt like the fact he was gay so obviously despised the 'corrupting boyfriend'. I saw her though, Donna. She didnt look sad I could guess she was ashamed that so many people knew the fact her gay son killed himself. Typical, Im pretty sure the fact her pansys didnt bloom this summer upset the woman more.
Mikey was there though, poor kid. He didnt look sad he looked blank like he'd had all the emotions sucked out of him and there was nothing left, I didnt blame him Gerard was the only one to keep Mikey sane in that house.
My Mom wasnt invited so I had to bum a ride off Ray this kid at school Gerard was pretty close to.
I looked in the mirror, I cringed at the site of myself in a suit if Gerard had his way im sure everyone would be wearing jeans.
'Right, i'll see you soon son.. Now you're sure you dont need me I dont care if that woman doesnt want me there, if you need me i'll be right next to you' She said squeezing my shoulder.
'No Mom, no need to cause drama today i'll see you when I get home' I told her my voice strangly calm.
She gave me that sad look and pulled me in for a hug, which I gladly took.
'Say bye bye to Gerard for me sweetie' She whispered her voice slightly uneasy but those words made my heart crumble a little bit and it took me a while to swollow the lump in my throat.
'I will' I whispered back, pulling away and taking a deep breath I walked out to Rays crappy car.
I pulled open the fading blue door, eager to get out of the disgusting sunshine. His big sad eyes greated me as he nooded in hello, I returned the favor as he pulled the car into drive. The thing I liked about Ray was that he didnt feel the need to fill the silence with stupid talk about the weather or how im feeling or any of that bullshit, he just drove and let me stare out the window and reminise fond memories which was nice and I appreciated it.
We got to the church and I didnt take the time to stare and take everything in, the only thing I noticed before walking past the groups of people dressed in black talking animatedly was how happy everyone was, and how this is the complete opposite of what Gerard would have wanted.
I didnt sit at the front as Donna would have asked me to move, I sat right at the back on the edge on the pew baring the most aggressive expression I could pull in hopes nobody would sit next to me, I genuinely thought it was working untill I stopped staring and assessing the people milling in and looked next to me to see a short spikey haired boy looking intently at his feet that were clad with black shiny suit shoes It made me jump slightly.
'Hey Frank' He mumbled.
'Hi Mikey' I mumbled back.
'How you holding up' He asked pulling his gaze away from his shoes and looked straight at me and it was only then I could see the terror and depression behind his dark eyes.
'Better than I thought but the damn thing hasnt started yet' We both pulled a pained half smile, He opened his mouth to talk but was cut off.
'Franklin If I hear you using that language in the house of the lord again I will ask you to leave, Michael you have a seat up front' The brisk voice Of Mrs Donna Way barked quietly she wouldnt want to get noticed making a scene it would look bad on her application for The Real Housewifes Of New Jersey.
I said nothing because if I did I would say alot worse than 'damn'
'Mom im fine here' He said almost pleading, I knew how Mikey didnt like people looking at him, he wasnt exactly the social butterfly im pretty sure he'd been diagnosed with social anxiety and his Mother knew this aswell.
'Do not be so disrespectful you think your brother would want you sitting right here at the back with him' She spat, he sighed shakily and walked to the front with his head down.
Being honest im sure Gerard wouldnt mind Im sure he'd like Mikey sitting at the back with me, the only two people that cared about him sat together slowly mourning.
The ceremony started, it was boring to say the least, scripture was read and hymns where sang, I didnt sing I just blanked out to better times..
'Ya'know cos your Moms all religous and stuff' I asked playing with his hair, he looked up at me with amusement in his eyes.
'Mmmm' He answered closing his eyes again as I contuined to play with his hair.
'Whats your favorite hynm?' I asked smiling slightly as he burst out laughing.
'What' He laughed taking hold of my arms and holding my hands, he'd stoped laughing but his eyes still showed amusment.
'You know your... favorite?' I asked, genuinely curious.
'Umm I dont really like hymns but if I had to pick a favorite it would be.. Some Sweet Day He said in seriousness.
'Why?' I asked I was always fasicnated with certain little things he liked and why he liked them.
'Well because' He started, looking into my eyes and pulling my hands back to his hair as I carried on running my hands through it as he explained..
'Even though its a hymn and old people sing it in monotone in church its really beautiful, like it was a line that says 'By and by Some sweet day we shall meet our loved ones gone, some sweet day by and by' Just makes me think that I guess death wouldnt be that bad because the people you truly love will be there waiting for me, like you' He beamed.
'Oh so im dying before you now im I' I said mocking offence, ignoring the fact that what he said made me basically glow with love and affection, He pulled me closer.
'With all those cigarettes, I wouldnt be suprised' He ginned and before I could say anything else he pulled me closer for a soft loving kiss.
I had to hold back a laugh at the irony, then grimace as the bitter thought that it should be me lying there.
There was a russle and some guy in a black suit got up and stood at the front, I only then noticed him as Jamie Sile, the asshole that made Gerards life hell on earth I wouldnt be suprised if he had something to do with the suicide he made me see red, I fucking hated that guy. I sat to attention all sorts of things running through my head about what he might do to ruin this day, why the fuck is he stood there, to humilate Gerard even when he's dead I was ready to lurch for him when he started speaking and I sat..No, I fell back in my seat in absolute shock-horror.
'God, I never thought this would ever happen Gerard was so happy in school and if he ever had a problem he could always come to me, we spoke for hours about his problems and mine and I cant beleive he isnt here anymore, It makes us all so very sad. Gerard was such a great guy so individual and outgoing and funny such a character and school life is just gunna be gray without him, he lit the place up so i guess all I can say is sleep tight buddy' I couldnt even control my emotions right now when Jamie found out Gerard had died he laughed and here he is stood there talking about how close they were. I was crying tears of overwhelming heartbreak and anger and lonliness. Then a girl stood up dressed in the smallest black dress known to mankind Chloe Brook im pretty sure she egged Gerards car and threw food at us before.
'me and Gerard we're like bestfriends' she started in a high pitched drone and I couldnt take it anymore, how dare they.
'Stop, okay'. Everyone turned to look at me in horror.
'None of you are Gerards friends, Jamie you laughed when he died and Chloe you dont even know him. What someone should be saying here is how incredible he was, about how much he hated the dress shirt you're burying him in about how much he would hate this funeral and how his laugh was the best sound ever about how god damn talented he was, about how he was the one that was going to make something of himself and about how he shouldn't be laid there but he is, because of people like you..' I was sobbing now my raw emotions on show for all the horror-stricken guests to see.
'Get him out' Donna yelled, Mikey took the chance and ran to me pulling me by the shoulder as soon as we got outside I broke down onto Mikeys shoulders my heart felt like it had been ripped out and stomped on and I just kept thinking that I would never ever see him again never be with him again and I could have stopped it I could have been there for him more and he's still be here on a day like today we'd be sat in a park somewhere listening to music, kissing, loving, just being fucking happy, why him. Why now. Mikey began to softly cry aswell.
'Frankie, he talks to me' Mikey said after a short while, his voice muffled.
'He talks to me too' I hiccuped.
'You know right now, he'd be thanking you for making a scene and making his funeral a little interesting' We both let out teary laughs at Mikeys comment.
'And he tell us both to stop being fags' I hiccuped back.
'Then he'd make a gay joke' We both laughed at this aswell, which just made us cry harder at the memorys.
'You know what he would say though' Mikey said slowly looking me in the eye.
I shrugged my shoulders. My tears making his face blurred.
'That he loves us both' Mikey told me his voice breaking on the last line.
Hi GUISISISISEEEE SORRY FOR SLACKING BUT... I had an awesome christmas and new year, I saw You me at six and THEY WERE EPICCCCCCCC I lost my Granny, booked enter Shikari tickets had exams and played in the snow, But I need to ask you something about this story should I make it into a Frikey or just leave it as it is (I also promise it starts to get interesting soon) please please please please R+R because if you dont I really dont have the confidence to continue as im quite uneasy about this story so yeah R+R for gay sex x x x x