“Frankie, your breakfast is getting cold.” Hesitantly, my mom pushed open my bedroom door.
After she had gone to bed last night, I came back upstairs to my room and sat on my bed. Now, I was leaning against the headboard, surrounded by my pillows and blankets. I hadn’t slept at all, and I felt miserable. The whole night I couldn’t stop thinking about losing Gerard, and what Bert did to me.
When I didn’t say anything she came into my room and sat on the edge of my bed. “You haven’t said anything since I got home. I’m worried about you.” I looked at her then, really looked at her. Her eyes weren’t as bright as I remembered, and the lines on her face seemed to have doubled. I could even spot gray hair. She looked ten years older, and it was because of me. She was always worried about me. That just made me feel even worse.
All of a sudden, she started crying. “I know something is wrong, Frank, and I just want to help.”
I needed to get everything off my chest, but how do you tell your mom that you were raped and then the person you loved just left you? It could only make me feel better if I told her, but I didn’t want to cause her anymore pain.
She continued to stare at me, waiting for me to speak. I took a deep breath. She was my mom. She needed to know about this. I needed her to tell me everything was going to be okay, even if nothing would be alright again. “I went to see Gerard’s ex-boyfriend. He had Mikey and was hurting him... The only way he would let Mikey go was if I agreed to talk to him. So, I went to the park.”
“Is Mikey okay?” She looked relieved for a moment, before worry clouded her features again.
Tears were slowly making their way down my cheeks as I pulled my blanket tighter around me. “Mikey’s fine.” I started shaking my head. “He raped me, mom. He pinned me down in the backseat of his car and raped me.” My voice was barely more than a whisper. Saying the words out loud sent me back to when it happened. All the pain, all the blood. The heartbreak.
All the color drained from her face. “Mikey...”
“No. Gerard’s ex, Bert. Mikey was fine and Bert let him go.” She didn’t say anything so I continued to talk. “When I got home, Gerard was here. He thought I was cheating on him because he saw me in the park. So he dumped me.”
“Didn’t you tell him what happened?” She wrapped her arms tightly around me, tears beginning to fill her eyes as what I was saying sunk in.
“He wouldn’t listen.” We sat in silence, her holding me as sobs shook my body. “I just feel so miserable.”
“I know you do, baby. What Bert did was terrible. But you have me to talk to, and eventually Gerard will realize--”
“I don’t want eventually, I want now! The moment I needed him most he just left me, like he never cared! I’ve never hated anyone so much.” As I spoke, tears fell heavier. Deep down I knew I still loved him, but I would never be able to admit that.
“You know that’s not true. If you really hated him, you wouldn’t be upset about it.” And without another word she kissed my forehead before standing up. She held out her hand for me to grab, and I just stared at it like it was some kind of alien. “Come downstairs and eat something. You’ll feel better. And once you have some food in you, call Gerard. Make him listen.”
She smiled at me for a few more seconds, before I finally gave in. Crawling out of bed was the hardest thing I had done in my life. After sitting in one spot for so long the pain was excruciating. I didn’t want my mom to know that I was hurt, so I pretended like I was fine. I grabbed her hand and we walked downstairs to the kitchen.
We sat in silence while I ate my pancakes. My mom sat beside me, staring at me. I think she was waiting for me to have a nervous breakdown or something. All of a sudden she stood up and walked across the room. She stood at the counter, looking out the window, her back to me. “Are you okay? I mean, really.”
I stared at her as she turned around to face me. “No, I guess I’m not.” I pushed my empty plate away from me. “What Bert did... he took everything from me. I feel disgusting, and worthless now. And without Gerard...” Tears were slowly falling down my cheeks now. There was no use in hiding my emotions from my mom. She was a therapist, she would be able to get them out whether I told her or not.
“I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but everything will get better.” She looked down at the floor, tears in her eyes. “No matter how much you hurt, it will get better.”
I knew she was thinking about my dad, and how he had hurt us. How he would get drunk and beat her and then me. We’ve both been through so much pain in our lives. It’s about time we had some happiness. And we were happy, for a long time. Until all of this craziness started happening.
I can’t help but think that it’s my fault. If I just would have loved Mikey and never met Gerard, none of this would be happening. Mikey and I would be together and getting married, and everyone would be happy.
What happened to us? I missed Mikey more than words can say, but at the same time I missed Gerard too. No matter what I would always love Gerard more. Now, I just wanted Mkey to be my best friend again, and I wanted Gerard to love me.
She walked back over to me and kissed my forehead gently. “Now, I need to get to work. Promise me you won’t sit around and sulk all day. Try calling Gerard, try calling Mikey.”
I nodded, smiling at her. Even if it killed me, I would call Gerard and make him listen to me. Once he heard the truth, maybe we could be us again, and forget the whole thing ever happened.
As my mom headed out of the front door, I finished eating my breakfast. After talking to her, I felt ten times better. Yeah, I was still upset, but I felt better.