My eyes gently open as the cloudy and dim sunlight shine my eyes through the sky lights. Two small birds fly by, a faint sound of thunder roars and I breathe in heavily. I don't sit up just yet, but close my eyes and do what I have been doing for the past week.
Questioning my feelings.
For some reason, every morning, I feel lonely and sad. I miss Edith. But I feel ambivalent. I miss her, but it isn't the same like the first time we broke up. It feels awkward to be alone. Awkward to not have someone around anymore. I was only with her for about 5 months. 5 great months. And now that it's over... I feel ambivalent.
I open my eyes again and stare up at the sky. Again, I can't come through with my feelings.
I sit up and shake my head, as if I were to shake my thoughts away and walk to the restroom.
I stand by my closet without a shirt as I look for a shirt to wear. I grab one of my favorite turtle necks and slip it on walking to the restroom.
Then I realize and remember, that this is my favorite turtle neck because Edith gave it to me. It's a nice beige turtle neck from H&M. I take it off and where another one.
I decide to wear black and white. My two favorite colors. I chose a t-shirt and black coat unconsciously but then I realized the colors represent how I feel; ambivalent.
I walk downstairs and fill my coffee container with coffee and walk out.
It's a day off at the studio and.. I have nothing to do. But what I decide to do is take a little stroll in my near by park. I walk slowly while I drink my coffee. It's a beautiful and cloudy Saturday. There's hardly any people this early. They're barely opening the outside market that's around the street. I buy a little muffin and continue my way to the park. When I enter the gates, there's people walking their dogs, a few kids playing in the swings, people taking jogs, typical Saturday morning. I walk slowly while I consume my coffee and muffin when I take a seat near by. I then realize, this is the bench where Edith and I sat down. I start getting that gut feeling again but when I think about this feeling, it doesn't feel right to feel this way. I sit and think over it again while I finish my muffin but still can't seem to puzzle-out how I really feel.
I hear small and quick footsteps to my left that catch my attention and I look. It's a person jogging. And just like last time I was here, she appeared again.
"hey!" I call her. She looks up, smiles and takes her headphones off. I get up and stop her mid way.
"hey." she says panting.
"uhh, I see you're taking your morning jog again."
"I am.." she breathes, "you? Just taking a stroll around the park again?"
"yeah, I'm just.. You know.." I say not knowing what to explain what I was doing here because I too, don't know what I'm doing here.
"okay, umm.. How are you feeling?" she asks losing her smile.
"I'm... I dont know.." I admit. I take her hand and we sit down at the bench.
"do you have time to talk, Victoria?" I ask her nervously hoping she does.
"of course, tell me."
"well um, it's been a week and I miss her. A lot but not how I missed her when we first broke up. It's a different kind of missing like, I miss what we had. It's awkward to wake up and not have her around. You know?"
"yeah I understand. And I know how you're feeling. It's normal to feel that way right now."
"I know it is, but I want to know how I feel exactly. Like, I'm having two feelings."
"well, what is it that you feel?"
"I'm sad and normal."
"and you said that you miss what you two had and feel awkward?"
"then I think you didn't love her as much as you thought you did."
BAM brick to the face
"but.. That- what?!"
"well yeah. I mean sorry to bring this up but when Edith and Gerard broke up, Gerard was devastated. He was like, going crazy because he blamed himself for everything. He thought he lost the love of his life forever. It was horrible to see him in the first few months but as the years past, he did get worst but he at least didn't want to kill himself. In your situation, you and Edith broke up because you hit Gerard right?"
"well, yeah. But I gave her the choice. And she's the one that decided to brake up."
"but do you blame yourself?"
"hmm, not really but I do think I was a huge cause to it. She just said this relationship wasn't going as well anymore. Even I thought the same."
"and that happens in every relationship. But you guys decided to brake up because.."
"she said she still loved Gerard and I was okay with that."
"and you're not as devasted because.."
"I thought I should be but.. I haven't really found a person I.. love.." I space out and remember a conversation I had with Edith. I admitted to her she was my first love. I thought she was my first love at the moment. I thought I wouldn't be able to live without her but here I am, without her and I'm just fine.
"oh my god Victoria you're amazing!" I embrace her.
"you're welcome. But, I'm a little sweaty."
"it's okay, it doesn't matter." I let go of her and grab her shoulders looking straight into her eyes.
"you made me realize that I didn't love Edith as much as I thought I did. Thank you, it makes a lot more sense now. Thank you!" I hug her again and this time, she too hugs my waist.
"you're welcome. Anytime." she giggles.
I let go of her once more and smile again, "um, are you busy later?"
"no actually, I was about to finish my jog when you came by."
"great. Would you like to go eat breakfast at my house?"
"sure, that'd be nice." she giggles.
"awesome." we both get up and walk outside of the park together.
"you have a pretty big house." she comments as I guide her in my kitchen.
"thanks." I start to prepare my ingredients. She comes in the kitchen and inspects it.
"great kitchen too. You must be rich." she laughs
"ehh, I have a pretty decent job." I turn around and face her as I stir an egg in a bowl.
"my parents are pretty wealthy though."
"oh really? That's interesting." she comes by my side, "what are you cooking?"
"a delicious French omelet with grated cheese and herbs. It's really good."
"ooh, did you get that from the Food Network channel?"
"yeah I did. How did you know?"
"well not only is it my favorite channel but I always get recipes from there. I absolutely love to eat and cook."
"no way, I love to cook too! Man, we're going to be best friends!" I joke and she starts to laugh.
"wow, I've never met a guy who loves to cook. It's amazing! Don't you just love to find people with your same interests?"
"yeah! I love it." we both start to laugh.
I lock eye contact with her while I laugh. She looks straight into mine with a big cheesy grin that make her eyes squint. Her eyes glim in the light a beautiful hazel and greenish color that remind me of Autumn. I've completely fallen in love with her eyes.
"do you want to help me cook? Wait no, how about you surprise me with something by cooking something else up?"
"perfect!" she laughs again and starts to look around my kitchen.
"awesome, you have exactly what I need." she looks at me mischievously and starts to grab her ingredients.
"here you go my little marshmallow." Frank says handing me the beer I ordered. He kisses my cheek and sits down next to me again.
"where's Ray?" he asks.
"I dont know.." Gerard stands and looks over the crowd. The bar is packed today. My Chemical Romance just had a gig tonight and let me just say that today they rocked out harder than ever.
"he's over there talking to some guy." he sits back and drinks his beer.
"you know what I just realized..." Vicky starts looking up from her phone.
"wasn't Edith suppose to be here?"
"oh that's right. What happened Gerard? Did you ask her?" Frank yells. Me and him turn our attention towards Gerard.
"I did text her. But didn't get her text till a while ago. She said she couldn't make it but wished us the best."
"hmm, weird." Frank leans back in his chair.
"and you know what else.." I add, "I haven't seen her since Linda's wedding."
"yeah, and that was a week ago." Vicky says.
"is she okay?"
"I dont know, I haven't seen her either." Gerard replies.
"aren't you guys like, together or something." Frank interrupts.
"no... Not really.. I wish."
"well come on dude, she just got out of a brake up."
"is that why she doesn't show up?"
"I dont know.."
"have you tried talking to Annie?" I ask.
"now that I remember, I think something's wrong with Edith. Last time I was talking to Annie in school and she said that Edith is rarely home and when she is home, all she does is sleep and lock herself in her room."
"huh.. I've also been trying to call her but she doesn't answer my calls or texts." I respond worriedly.
"why don't we pay a visit?" Vicky suggests.
"we should. But we should know when she's home. Look here comes Ray." Gerard says, "hey big man, who were you talking to?"
"you guys, I have good news."
"I dont know, I'm really worried for her."
"have you tried talking to her?"
"kinda. I just don't want to question her you know? What If she's hurt."
As I talk on the phone with Carlos I hear the front door open.
"hey baby, let me call you back. Edith is home." I whisper. Another door opens and closes.
"okay. Love you." I hang up and walk slowly over to Edith's room. I hear low music playing in the background and her lights turn off. I grab the knob and turn it, but it's locked.
"Edith?" I call hoping I get an answer.
I hear nothing, but the door opens.
"yeah?" she replies. She stands by the door not letting me inside.
"uhh.. Hey, how have you been?" I laugh nervously trying to push the awkward atmosphere away. She turns around and opens the door wider letting me inside. I close the door behind me and observe her room.
"when was the last time you cleaned?"
"I dont know." she throws herself on her bed.
"uhh.. Where have you been? I haven't seen you in like two days which is quite awkward since you are my roommate."
"you know.. Working for AV ballet." she looks up.
"rehearsals started already?"
"yeah, Ms. Joyet and I met up last Wednesday and classes started Thursday."
"is that what you do all day?"
"pretty much. I also got a job."
"a job? Where?"
"my mom's resturant. Part time."
"why? I mean.."
"I'm not getting paid anytime soon. I need to feed myself." she shrugs with a half smile.
"uhh, you're hardly home and that Chinese dish you bought two days ago is still there. Almost full. Are you eating?"
"of course. Aren't I alive?"
"Edith.." I crawl over to her and sit at her feet. She sits up and looks down at me with tired eyes.
"you look pale. You have bags under your eyes. Are you getting any sleep?"
"yeah.." she answers in a low voice.
"okay, I didn't want to ask but.. Are you okay? I mean.."
"I'm fine okay?"
"you don't look okay."
"but I'm fine." she lays again burying her face in her pillow.
"fine.." I stand up and walk to the door, "wait, um.. Harry came by today." she sits up again and looks at me with wide eyes.
"he dropped off this box." I step oustside and grab the box, "returning some stuff you left at his house. He was also looking for you." she stands up and takes the box from my hands. She sits on the ground and looks through the box.
"why was he looking for me?"
"just to talk. He wanted to know how you were. I told him you weren't home and he should come by another time."
"my scarf.." she says in a low voice holding out a quite fuzzy black scarf, "what else?"
"that's it. I gave him his stuff back."
"did you give him the teddy bear?"
"no.. I was gonna. But then he said you should keep it."
"oh.. Thanks. I actually want to keep that."
"yeah, I thought so." she closes the box and puts it away in her closet next to her treasure box.
"do you.. Miss him?" I dare to ask.
"yes and no."
"I miss what he had. But I don't want to be with him anymore."
"okay. Well um, I'm gonna sleep. I'll.. See you soon.."
"okay. Goodnight" I close the door behind me and enter my room.
I lay in my bed not bothering to change and just look out my window. I stare up at the moon for what seems to be forever till something on my night stand catches my attention. My phone lid up and I grabbed it. A text message from Gerard.
/it really sucks that you couldn't make it. Do you think I could see you right now?/
It was just sent 2 minutes ago. I then get up and stare out into my balcony. I look over the wild night it is today and take out a cigarette.
I take a puff and reply to Gerard.
/I'm really sorry but we can't meet up tonight. I have to wake up early. But we can next time/
I take another puff that makes me gag and I spit out to the side walk. I throw out my almost-done fag and step back inside. I lay in bed again and when I set my phone down on my night stand, I look up at the teddy bear that keeps me company on my lonely nights. I grab it and look at it. It has a few rips and tears and it is missing an eye. This teddy bear is quite old and has been by my side for so long. It's the teddy bear Gerard gave me when we were together. I hold it tight to my chest and take deep breaths.
How much do I wish to be by your side without getting hurt. That seems quite impossible. After all I've been through for 8 years, I don't think I could ever love anyone the same again.
@BrutalCrayon Wow... Thanks. Thank you so much. Your review literally made my day. Thank you. I'm so glad you think my story is amazing. It's great to hear that. I've had so much hesitation on some things in my story that I think aren't quite right but apparently you and others think its great. I'm my worst critique lol.
Happy birthday, I don't know you personally but I guess this can be my birthday gift to you. Hope you like, although.. It isn't quite a happy chapter. I hope you like anyway.
I will sure follow you on twitter an I'd love to talk to you too. I think I might just make a Kik too since I don't own one lol. I'd like to talk to you and my other readers. Do you have a Facebook? If so, add me :3 Facebook.com/easypea
Once again, thank you and happy birthday. Hope you have a good day today and I love you too :3
To all of my readers:
I'm afraid to say that I think I might be uploading less. Maybe two chapters a week because I'm running out of chapters and I haven't been writing as much as I want to. You see, I write ahead of time so when it's time I need to post, I only have to edit it while I work on another "future" chapter. I just finished 46 :) so as you can see, I'm 5 chapters ahead which isn't so great.
Also, this week from November 17-25 I won't be posting. I'll be posting again on Monday, November 26. So sorry you guys but I have Thanksgiving break and like I've mentioned before, I use my schools wifi. Good part about this is that I'll be writing so I could probably go back to posting 3 chapters a week.
I'll shut up now :)
Thanks for reading!!!