"Why did you call me in?" He sighed, holding him. "For this." Gerard replied.
Frank laced his fingers with Gerard's, sighing, looking up at him.
"Trust me, you did the right thing taking him to hospital."
"I'm so frightened," He babbled, throwing himself down on a nearby bench. "I did this." Frank placed a hand on Gerard's leg.
"But Mikey knows you didn't mean too, he understands, and there is no need to be frightened, Gee." He sighed, trying to make him feel less guilty.
"I know. He should do." Gerard sighed, holding his head in his hands. "Are you hungry?" He asked, softly, changing the subject. He needed to stop alienating Frank like he had been doing recently. Frank shook his head.
"Are you?" He smiled, reaching up slowly, running a hand through Gerard's hair, twisting it and playing with it.
"No." Gerard grumbled. "My stomach is eating itself alive, but I think if I ate anything, I'd just see it again." He groaned, twisting himself.
"Do you want to sleep? I've realised that you seem much happier after you've had a nap." Frank asked quietly, looking at Gerard, this innocent, weak person.
"Nah, I don't want to sleep. I just.. I don't know. I would go and wait in the hospital.. I don't want to do anything." Gerard mumbled, softly, confused.
"This sounds pointless, just, come with me, hopefully it will make you feel better, okay?" He stood up, holding a hand out for Gerard.
"Where are we gonna go?" Gerard asked, timidly, taking Frank's hand.
"Just, shush, you'll like it, I promise." Frank smiled inwardly, walking into the park. It was dark, but the stars were bright. He followed Frank obediently, staring absently as he walked. He tried taking his mind off things - but he just felt too incredibly guilty.
Frank sat down on the dry grass, pulling Gerard down with him. He laid back on the grass, looking up at the starlit sky.
"When I was younger, if everything got too much, I would go to an abandoned field, lay down and stare at the sky." He spoke softly, sighing happily. "It's proven to be relaxing, hopefully it will help you." Gerard lay, a little uncomfortable, though endeared by the sentiment.
"I'll try." He whispered, tugging Frank's hand towards him. Frank took his hand, grasping it gently.
"I think I care about you, a little too much, sometimes." He smiled.
"Good." Gerard replied quietly, trying to forget. He let out a small sob, hiding his face with his free hand in humiliation.
"I don't mind if you cry," Frank sighed, propping himself up with his elbow, to look at Gerard. "What's wrong?"
"I just keep thinking of him, Frank. I'm trying to.. take my mind off it. But I can't." He sobbed, turning his gaze away. Gerard felt embarrassed, and awful.
"I want to hold you so badly..." He whispered, kissing Gerard's hand. Gerard nodded, squeezing his eyes shut.
"Alright. I - I'll l-let you, but d-don't - t-try anyth-thing." He mumbled, scooting towards Frank. Frank rolled his eyes, wrapping his arms around Gerard, protectively, and caring.
"I won't try anything, trust me. I just feel bad that I'm your boyfriend and I can't do anything to help." He sighed, keeping him close.
"You don't need to do anything. You're here." Gerard shook, shivering in the pre-dawn cold.
"I know, I just feel, guilty." He sighed, holding him close, "I feel like I should ask.. Can I kiss you?" Frank spoke softly. Gerard breathed in sharply.
"J-just - w-wait. A b-bit longer." He dipped his head, pushing his crown underneath Frank's jaw.
"As long as it takes." He smiled, stroking Gerard's head, sighing happily. "You're mine, don't forget that." Frank giggled, softly. Gerard nodded, his sobs becoming more apparent under Frank's coat. He dug his fingers into Frank's chest, hot tears spilling and dampening Frank's clothes. Frank listened to Gerard breathing and sobbing, holding him carefully.
"It's nice to be the one whose being held, isn't it?" He smiled, resting his cheek on top of Gerard's head.
"I'd rather not be sad at all." Gerard hummed sadly, honestly, knocking his head softly against Frank's chest.
"Could you pass me my bag? My head's starting to.. I'm gonna get angry." He wobbled, his eyes filled with fright, the look of a baby deer caught in the headlights lingering in his eyes. Frank passed him a tub of medication.
"This one?" He asked softly, placing it in the palm of Gerard's hand, looking down at him.
"Y-yeah." He trembled, popping open the cap. He needed to get the drugs down him before he started hurting more people. He took a swig from the bottle, probably swallowing a few more tablets than he should have. Frank took the tub pack, shoving it back in the bag.
"Do you want me to let go now?" He asked, looking down at Gerard, who was cradled in his arms and coat.
"No." Gerard groaned, paranoid. "Don't let go of me. Or I'll fall, and hurt myself." He mumbled, making not much sense at all.
"Okay." Frank held him, smiling worriedly, he liked it like this. "Just tell me when you want to let go." He sighed happily, letting out a noise of contentment. Gerard lied there a little longer, before fidgeting, feeling a little sick.
"Can we go get a hotel room?" He asked, softly. He felt violently sick. Frank nodded, standing up slowly, taking Gerard's hands, helping him up.
"Do you feel okay?" He asked, slightly worried, placing a hand on his forehead.
"I.." Gerard mumbled, standing up shakily. "I just feel sick. Pills on an empty stomach. Never a good idea." He swallowed, holding himself back from projectile vomiting.
"The hotel isn't far, you look pretty light, I can carry you, if you like?" He asked, quietly, trying his best to be helpful, putting the medicine bag over his shoulder. Gerard laughed weakly.
"You're not strong enough, and you know it." He coughed, choking a little. "I'm okay, I can walk. Come on." Frank watched him worriedly, taking his hand.
"Okay. Come on then."
Once they arrived, after renting a room, Gerard immediately and abruptly ran to the bathroom, locking himself inside. Yeah - swigging those pills was a bad idea.
Frank sighed, putting his and Gerard's bags down.
"Aw, sweetie." He sighed, hearing Gerard throw up. Gerard spluttered, pressing his forehead against the cold, bathroom wall. He coughed, splattering what he thought could have been blood onto the floor - but quickly removed it. It had happened before. He didn't want to alarm anyone. Frank sat in the left side of the bed (They had a double bed, seeming that they were a couple, it wouldn't really matter.) He yawned.
"Gee, are you okay in there?" Frank raised his voice, whilst keeping it gentle. Gerard spat, crying softly. He cleared his throat, disguising the sadness.
"Y-yeah. All fine," He said, lying through his teeth, returning to crying against the floor.
"Be honest, do you want me to come in, or stay where I am?" He asked, softly, standing next to the door, listening to Gerard, closely.
"Stay - out." He mumbled. He didn't need Frank finding him like this. It would only worry Frank more.
"O-Okay." He spoke shakily, already slightly worried, he just got back into bed, listening to him. Gerard lay a little longer, knocking his head softly and repeatedly on the cold, bathroom floor. He hauled himself up, crawling over to the shower, turning on the cold water and sitting, quietly. Frank wanted to say something, but he didn't want to make him angry, he just sat up in bed, listening to Gerard's every move.
"F-Frank?" Gerard sobbed, still sat fully clothed in the shower.
"Yeah, I'm here, Gee." He scooted to stand by the door, pressing his ear to the cold wood. Gerard vomited, sticking his head out of the shower, resting his head and body back against the bottom of the shower. The water was freezing cold.
"C-come in. P-please."
Frank crept in, gulping, suddenly rushing over, taking Gerard's frame in his arms. "Baby, what happened?" He asked, softly.
"Pills. Just feel sick." He responded. "And sad. Overwhelmingly sad." He sobbed, his tears hardly noticable under the stream of water, only recognized by the pained, choking noises he made in the result of his sobbing. Frank stroked the soaking hair out of his face, wrapping his coat around Gerard's shoulders.
"Why did you call me in?" He sighed, holding him.
"For this." Gerard mumbled, crashing his lips clumsily against Frank's. He tasted like vomit and pills, and he knew that - but Frank had been waiting for this and Gerard felt incredibly lonely. Frank smiled, kissing him softly, holding the nape of Gerard's neck, pulling away softly.
"Gee, I love you too much." He smiled, stroking his cheek. Gerard sobbed, pushing the crown of his head into Frank's clothed chest.
"How unfortunate, for you." He cried, his fingers and toes going a little numb in the cold water.
"I'm happy that I love you, I'm delighted that I'm yours." He smiled, picking Gerard up, taking him out of the shower, kissing his forehead, and placing him on the bed. Gerard curled up into a ball, lying on his side, still finding the will to sob, even now. He wiped his eyes and lay still, holding his head in his hands. Frank knelled next to him on the bed.
"Shh," He cooed, rubbing his back softly.
"He should be out of surgery by now." Gerard whispered. "I need to see him. I need to." He repeated, over and over.
"Okay, but before we go, let me ring the hospital, okay?" He asked, taking his hand, making him warmer.
"O-okay." Gerard trembled, drying his hair absently with the towel Frank had wrapped around him.
"Hello? Yes, is Mikey Way out of surgery yet? Oh okay, thank you, good bye." He sighed, "Gee, Mikey is still very drowsy from the aesthetic, they say to visit him in about an hour, okay?"
"How long does it take to get there? Can't be just.. wait there? I don't want to be late." Gerard pleaded, holding onto Frank's shirt.
"It will take about twenty minutes to get there, then the queues and we might be able to grab some coffee." He calculated in his head. "Okay, let's go." Frank smiled, cupping Gerard's cheek.
"Thanks." Gerard replied quietly, moving quickly to the door and out of the hotel. He was desperate. Frank ran after him, grabbing their bags, just in case.
"Oh yeah, thank you for the kiss." He blushed, walking next to him.
"It's okay." Gerard smiled, softly, keeping him close as they walked.
"But why? You seemed so against it before." He smiled, blushing more, tugging Gerard's hand.
"I can't.. do.. that." He paused, holding Frank's hand in his own as they entered the hospital. "But I can kiss you, if I wish. As long as it's of my own consent.."
"I understand completely," He smiled, swinging their hands, "Do you want to get some coffee first?" Frank asked, looking up at Gerard, who looked a lot better, besides the damp hair.
"Please." Gerard asked, softly. "I'm.. I'm gonna go ask for his room, I'll be outside it, or in it. When you come back."
"Okay, see you in a second." He smiled, slowly letting go of his hand, walking into a small, corner cafe in the hospital. Gerard waited patiently, before the familiar, smiling face of a Doctor came from around the corner. He shook Gerard's hand softly and opened the door to Mikey's room.
"You want to go in? I have some things to discuss with you." Frank grabbed two large coffees, walking back to Mikey's room, where he saw the door slightly open, he walked in, taking a seat next to Gerard.
"We're gonna have to keep him in, for a little longer, due to complications.." The doctor spoke, softly. "Ah, you must be Frank." Frank nodded, slowly, taking a sip of his coffee, passing the other to Gerard.
"Yeah, I'm Frank,"
"I'm Dr Pegrum, Hi." He smiled, his voice smooth and low. "I was just telling Gerard here, the surgery went pretty much fine. There were a few complications, mostly with drugs and finding ones he wouldn't react with.. But, he's alright. We're going to have to keep him in, just a bit longer, in case his body rejects the surgery." Frank nodded, calmly.
"Okay, as long as Mikey's alright, that's all me and Gerard worry about." He smiled, blushing a little, taking another bigger gulp of coffee.
"He's okay." Dr Pegrum paused, looking over Mikey, with some sort of fondness. "He didn't react to well, to the surgery, but.. We pulled him through. Tried extra hard for you. In fact, you're not even supposed to be in here with him, but I pulled some strings." Frank nodded, smiling.
"Thank you, it really means a lot to us." He looked over at Mikey, "You okay for a couple more days? Me and Gerard will keep calling and visiting." Mikey was mostly unresponsive, his hand twitching around Gerard's. He was awake, but he wasn't happy about it, or, he didn't feel up to speaking yet. His chest rose and fell slowly, uncomfortably.
"I'll just.. leave you three to talk, okay?" Dr Pegrum offered a warm smile, before shutting the door behind him.
Frank sighed, sitting close to Gerard, looking over at Mikey, poor kid.
"Is he okay?" He whispered to Gerard.
"I don't know," Gerard mumbled, gazing with fright over his broken shell of a younger brother. "I talked to him a little bit earlier on, before you came in."
"I can leave them room, if you wish, if that means he'll talk, I don't mind." He smiled.
"No, I wouldn't want to make you do that." Gerard murmured, pushing a hand very gently over Mikey's brow.
"If that means he'll talk to you, I'll happily wait outside." He smiled, kissing Gerard's cheek, "I'm in the little cafe bit if you need me." Frank left the room.
Gerard pushed his chair a little closer to Mikey's bedside.
"I'm really sorry, for doing this, y'know." Gerard sighed, holding Mikey's hands in his own. Mikey smiled, turning his head, slowly, to ensure he encountered no pain. He grimaced a little as he moved.
"Don't be, seriously." He smiled weakly. "I can see that you regret it enough."
“Of course I regret it, you idiot." He stroked the loose hair from Mikey's eyes. "Gonna have to pick up some glasses too.. Whenever you get out of here." He hummed, sadly.
"I got spares in the bag." He smiled, "I'll be patched up in no time, Gerard. Don't worry about me, you need to worry about Frank."
"You're so.." Gerard selected the right word carefully. "Thoughtful." He hummed, dipping his head. "You're.. Very literally, dying here, Mikey, but you still.. You still don't put yourself first."
"I'm not dying, Gerard, don't say that, you're worrying yourself. But, you know I never put myself first." He giggled. Gerard leant across his younger brother and pushed a kiss to his temple.
"No, but if you did, you wouldn't be here right now."
"I love you and all, but you're getting so touchy towards me," He smiled, "You don’t have to do that.” He laughed softly, coughing violently.
"Psh, we're always touchy," Gerard paused, bowing his head. "I guess - I thought you were going to die, last night. You know? I.. I didn't think you were coming back." He tried to hold back his tears, aware that Mikey was already had a particularly stressful day and crying for him would only make it worlds worse.
"Look, I could have died a lot of times, but I haven't and I won't, I promise. I promise to god, that I won't die on you, Gerard." Mikey sighed, taking his hand, holding it tight. "You.. Should go. I should sleep." He mumbled, smiling.
"I'm not leaving, you think I'm gonna leave you?" Gerard shook his head softly. "I know I'm being weird it's just.. I don't want to leave." He tangled his fingers, gazing away from his younger brother, whose words just didn’t sound like usual.
"Fair enough, but you're going to have to leave in..." Mikey checked the clock, "Five minutes any ways, that's when visiting time is up."
"But I just got here." Gerard whined. "I guess we are in intensive care but.." He sighed, feeling embarrassed. He just - he couldn't leave Mikey, not now. "Do you want me to bring you some text books or something? Tomorrow?" He said, quietly.
"Tomorrow, bring all my books," He whined, "I get so bored in here.." He smiled feebly. "Come earlier tomorrow, then we can talk more.." Mikey asked quietly, kissing Gerard's head, groaning as he shifted his bones.
"I'll bring some. I'll try and find a library or something." He grinned, a soft glint in his eye. "Maybe I could rope in a doctor to come in and teach you stuff.. Though, you probably already know it all anyway. And I'll try. Rest now, I can see you wincing every time you move. You don't gotta be strong, for me."
"I'm not being strong for you..." He sighed, softly. "I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Mikey smiled feebly, shooing Gerard away. He just wanted Gerard not to worry, but he wasn’t doing a very good job.
"I.. love you too, Mikey. Don't.. Just be here, tomorrow, alright?" He smiled, weakly.
"Alright, I’ll.. I’ll see you in the morning, okay? Tell Frank I’m.. just fine.” He smiled, shutting his eyes, yawning.
“I will." He gazed sadly at the door, stepping through it. He knew Mikey was okay, but he still wanted to break down in tears. Mikey didn't seem - himself. Frank thought it was time, so he walked back to the room, bringing another coffee, smiling, hoping Gerard and Mikey we're okay.
"We've gotta go home now." Gerard replied, solemnly, pushing his way past Frank and through the hallways.
"Um.. Okay." Frank followed Gerard, pushing through the hallways, close behind him, "What's the rush?"
"So I don't cry in public." Gerard choked, making his way through the doorway and stepping outside. He assumed it was about 6pm.
"Okay." Frank spoke softly, feeling the sudden urge to hold Gerard, to cradle him again, but he couldn't without his consent. They walked quickly back to the hotel, Frank shutting the door behind them. Gerard moved around with a zombie like demeanour, his limps drooping and his face bleak, and grey. The grief, which he needn't worry about at all, was eating away at him and Frank could tell, very easily.
"Gee, come and sit down, what's wrong?" He asked softly, patting the empty space on the bed next to him.
"He didn't seem right." He said quietly, creeping towards Frank and sitting with his knees hunched up. "He didn't sound right."
"I bet he'll go back to normally in a few days, the shock and the fact he's on his own, could of gotten to him." Frank gulped, turning to face Gerard.
"Yeah but.. He seemed so - happy. But he wasn't. I know the real Mikey, and that wasn't him. He was disguising it." He murmured, pushing his nose between his knees. Frank placed his hand on Gerard's back, wary.
"We can see him tomorrow, okay? You can see how he's doing then,"
Gerard nodded. He knew he was being ridiculous, he knew, but he couldn't stop. He turned and kissed Frank, too quick for Frank to even register, before turning back over and curling up, hoping he might find a way of sleeping. Frank smiled, scrunching up beside him.
"Are you hungry? It's only 8pm." He giggled, attempting to make Gerard a little less sad, with very little success.
"No," Gerard groaned. His stomach was hollow and bare, but he couldn't bring himself to eat.
"Okay, sweet dreams." He smiled, kissing the nape of Gerard's neck, sitting up in bed. Gerard tensed his body at the touch, and took a few moments before he felt he could relax again. He hugged himself tightly, digging his face into the mattress. Frank looked over the older boy.
"I wish I could help," He mumbled to himself, sighing.
Gerard mumbled in his sleep, bad nightmares from his late childhood ringing in his ears
again. Frank could tell something was up, so he played with Gerard's hair.
"Wake up, Gee, c'mon." Gerard shook his head anxiously in his sleep, tossing his head and digging his hands into the sheets.
"It wasn't m-my fault!" He choked, his eyes squeezed shut.
"Come on, Gee, wake up," Frank stroked Gerard's cheek, holding his hand, sighing. Gerard gasped, his forehead sweaty as he wrenched himself from his dream state. He hung onto Frank, clutching. Frank snaked his arms around Gerard.
"It's okay." Frank smiled, holding him close. Gerard mumbled, pressing his hot skinned forehead against Frank, bumbling and murmuring, unsure if the dream had ended. Frank kissed Gerard's crown.
"Shhh, wake up, Gee." He cradled him in his arms as he stroked his back, gently.
"I'm t-trying," Gerard was sweating profusely, confused, and feeling incredibly alone. Frank cradled him closer, playing with his hair, listening to his breathing.
"It was that dream again." Gerard breathed, shaking his head. "That dream. That one dream!" He groaned, pushing his forehead softly against Frank's chest.
"Explain, please, if you can." He held him close, kissing his hair, rocking him softly.
"I'm running, and I'm running, and he's in my arms, and we're still running." He gasped, his breathing getting faster. "They push me and they make me fall. And I drop him. I try and grab him but I've dropped him and they're taking him and he's screaming for me but I just-" Frank grasped Gerard close.
"It's Mikey. It's Mikey in your arms isn't it?" He asked softly. Gerard nodded, his tears hot and salty as they sprung from his eyes.
"They're all shouting at me, and I'm just telling them to give him back, to let me have him back - but they push me down into the ground and hold me there whilst they hurt him." He cried, rocking himself. "Sometimes he's just a little four year old.. Sometimes he's a big fourteen year old."
"Aww, Gee, shh." He cradled him close, "There is no need to worry, it's just a dream, okay? Mikey's safe and you're safe." He sighed, cupping his cheek.
“I know.” Gerard mumbled, softly, “I wish I wasn’t being such a girl about this whole thing..”
“You’re not, okay? It’s perfectly normal to react to something like that.” He smiled, looking into Gerard’s timid eyes, “You have such beautiful eyes.” Frank smiled softly, blushing as he cupped his cheek.
“Mikey seems fine, though..” Gerard huffed, gazing back at Frank.
“I'm sure he feels just as bad as you do, okay?" He smiled, staring into Gerard’s eyes, “I-I’m sorry for staring.” Frank blushed hard.
“It’s okay.” Gerard hummed, drying his tears. “I wish i wasn’t so fucked in the head- or i could have you, right now.” He exhaled, glumly. Frank chuckled.
“You’re not fucked up in the head, Gee, maybe complex, but I love that about you.” He smirked, “But I could have you too,” He bit his lip ring, grinding it between his teeth. Gerard sighed.
“I’d start crying as soon as you put your hand on my bare chest. It’s.. Off the table.” He pushed a hand through his hair and laid back.
Frank propped himself up on his elbow, “What about if we just… Kiss?” He suggested, softly, a smile tugging at the ends of his mouth.
Gerard looked down, and leant across to Frank, locking their lips once before pulling away.
“I was enjoying that, but we would be fully clothed, and it’s not incredibly sexual.” He shrugged.
“I know.” Gerard whispered, cold, hollow. “But any little thing can.. Set a person off.”
“When you say ‘set off’ do you mean, I ‘d make you cry or…” He asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I mean, i don’t want to be in the newspaper, with the headline reading: ‘19 year old kills innocent 17 year old student in skeevy motel room’.” Gerard scoffed.
“Oh, but I’m dying from no physical affection.” Frank whimpered, giggling. “But I understand.”
“I’m sorry, that i can’t.. Be there for you, in that way.” He gasped, humilated, and disgusted. ” As if i wanted to have kinky restraint sex- no wonder i knew what i was doing.” He swallowed, horrified.
"It’s just felt weird, y’know, from full on sex, which was amazing by the way, to hugging and barely even kissing. It’s a little strange to me.” He shrugged, laying back on the bed, “I don’t want to say this, so please don’t be angry with me. But you’re a very attractive guy, okay? It’s hard for me not to pounce on you and make out with you.” Frank giggled.
“I know.” Gerard nodded softly, before glancing up, worriedly. “Please don’t.. Pounce on me.” He sounded genuinely frightened.
“I wouldn’t, honest. It’s just hard for me not to kiss you.” He sighed, laying next to him.
“One day, Frank. One day.”
r&r ? c: