(ONESHOT) Mikey finds true love in the most unconventional form.
He wasn’t sure if it was because of his less than stellar looks, or because he was difficult to approach due to his quiet and shy personality. Either way, he didn’t get his first girlfriend until he was in his early 20’s. And by then, he had already gone absolutely bonkers.
Emily was beautiful. Her exterior was cool and calm, yet on the inside, she was quite the firecracker. She didn’t speak much, which was fine by Mikey. He didn’t much enjoy conversations either. Emily was caring, she always made sure Mikey was well fed, probably worrying about how skinny he always was. It was love at first sight.
Did I forget to mention?
Emily was also a toaster.
But she was the most beautiful toaster anyone’s ever seen.
“Mikey,” his brother Gerard began, with that tone of frustration and the look of shame of having such a brother clear on his handsome face, “I think you may have a problem.”
“What are you even talking about?” Mikey asked, not bothering to look away from the TV screen. He and Emily were enjoying a peaceful night in, watching movies. Emily’s cord was wrapped around his neck, like a protective hand, and she was on his chest. Mikey loved how light she felt on him, and the palm of his hand was against her other steely side, his thumb caressing her lovingly.
“You’re dating a toaster,” Gerard sighed.
Mikey felt the anger beginning to rise up inside, and he spat at his brother: “If you’re not comfortable with my interracial relationship, then you’re welcome to fuck off. Don’t come in here to judge me! You racist little shit.”
Gerard shook his head and gave up. It was no use trying to get through to that guy. Mikey was undoubtedly, and unconditionally in love with Emily. A toaster.
But that same night, Gerard was awoken to a horrible scream. He got up from the comfort and warmth of his own bed, and hurried to his brother’s room. What he saw was extremely disturbing.
Mikey and Emily had been sharing a bed for weeks, not bearing to be apart from each other for even more than a few hours at night. And tonight, they had decided to take the next step in their relationship.
Mikey’s eyes were filled with tears of pain, and he was shouting. Somehow, and Gerard could easily guess how, Mikey’s member had ended up in one of the bread slots of Emily. It was obviously a tight fit, and what had possessed Mikey to plug the toaster into the power outlet, Gerard did not know. But what he did know was that Emily was slowly toasting his brother’s penis, and it had to stop.
Swiftly Gerard unplugged Emily, and removed the toaster from his brother’s person. Mikey collapsed down on the floor, sobbing like a child, holding his injured genitals gently.
“It’s alright,” Gerard said, trying to sound comforting.
“Take that bitch away from me!” Mikey cried, and Gerard gladly disposed of the toaster by throwing it out of the window. Once she was out of his sight, the flow of Mikey’s tears only increased. “What will I tell people?”
“You mean when they ask why your dick is toast?”
“No! When I tell them Emily and I broke up!”
“You will tell them she electrocuted you when you tried to take out a jammed bread with a fork. Okay? We’ll blame a fork.”
Mikey nodded, still crying on the floor miserably.
And that, my dear children, is how the greatest love story of our time came to a heartbreaking end. Also need I even say it, Mikey never ate toast ever again, and he lived happily ever after... And he found a real girlfriend.
A/N: I'M NOT ASHAMED.
Okay, maybe a little bit.
What did I just do...