(#) Pink_Rapid 2006-07-23I really like the ending.
I also like how Will died. I mean the manner of his death. I like how you diagnosed it as a fever rather than some daring feat or incredibly dramatic heroic deed. It makes the character of Will seem more real and mortal. While you story already illustrates that the strong fall, that teeny, tiny little touch really drove the point home.
Excellent story telling and imagery. Constructive criticism would merely be to improve on the format for something more aesthetically pleasing. Eager to read more!
Author's responseThank you. On ff.net, it automatically fixes the format, so I didn't go back and check on this. I hope that this makes it easier to read.
(#) shadphenix 2006-09-12Superb. The last scene was very in character and certainly how I would expect them to both react. I love that she gives him something to fight for.
The scene where she asked him if he'd given up and he turned the question on her was rather powerful as well.
The only item that bothered me: "Those silent tears fell like cannon fire, leaving behind echoes so loud that they made the silence bleed."
The image has extraordinary potential; however, it doesn't seem fitting and just seems like you're working too hard to poor in flowery language. It risks melodrama. Sorry, I'm only trying to be constructive.
Well done, and my first favorite on here. Looking forward to your other work.
Author's responseI loved this review. Especially your criticism of that phrase. You're right--in the moment, it sounded fine, but as I reread it, it's a bit too much. And the repetition of the word 'silence' is starting to irk me now.
So thank you for bringing that to my attention. It really did help!
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